I cant help but think maybe they dont have the strength to reach for happiness. Someone once told me that more people are watching than I realize. Perhaps you will be the catalyst that someone else needs to reach out for help and support too. Its not just you. You are an amazing caring lady and you deserve to be exordinarily happy as well. Take care of yourself and your precious girls.

you wrote " I am honestly just trying to understand. What the hell happened?!"

perhaps you have grown more intellectually and emotionally...you realize you deserve more as a person and a wife.

i wish you strength through the divorce proceedings. i'm happy to hear that you have friends to talk to.

i notice that you are able to share your story and express yourself, something that i find hard to do sometimes..so maybe that will make your recovery more bearable. i admire your strength.

It's hard to describe "normal."

It's normal to have conflicts
and irritations.

It's normal to be frustrated.

What's not normal is to have
one person constantly
beating up (and that
includes emotionally)
on their partner, day
after day after day.

But when one person
constantly beats up on
their partner, to stay
married, to keep
allowing the abuse
and to "move on,"

isn't okay or "normal,"
any which way.

And your husband
telling you that that's
what's normal is
typical abuser
diminishment
of abusive behavior.

Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.

I often worry about what is "normal" too- as llene stated- there will be conflict, and bad days, I hesitate when I think about new relationships- It is scary after we have been battered and abused..
You are not alone in this.
HUGS

Giggle / Elena - thank you for your support and encouragement. You made me smile.

Ilene - as always your advice helps me refocus and get grounded again.

I understand your fears Leah. In one of my posts / journals (I don't recall) but i worried about that too. How can we trust someone else. How will We know if they are just saying what we need to hear to hook us...

The advice I was given is this - we need to work on ourselves. Self care. Whatever that is for us individually to pamper and be gentle with ourselves. Build up our self esteem, set up boundaries and learn to trust our instincts and stop second guessing ourselves. IC has also been a huge help, as well as this site. They offer up much needed validation. We need to allow ourselves time to grieve the loss of the future we thought we'd have. We need to heal.

We'll be ok. Hugs,

Not, I have similar questions. It does seem to me that a lot of what my husband did, or at least the way people perceive his behavior from my description of it, is considered "normal" husband behavior. I also sometimes think that I may as well have stayed with him if I wanted a husband--if they are all the same.

But. I don't want such a husband who makes me feel deserted and less-than all the time! Now I am alone, but that means that I am not only not in an abusive relationship, I am free to be with a nice man if one should happen my way! That is a pretty okay situation to be in. Beats the heck out of being miserably lonely and knowing that there's no hope!

Some good stuff here already, but another twist on this is us. We all tend to minimise the abuse when we talk about it. I've lost track of the number of times on this site that I have read someone else's story and thought "omg, I'm SO glad mine wasn't anywhere near that bad, I don't know how I could have coped if he was". Only to find out later that the very same person had read my story and thought the same thing. Because we minimise what we have been through. So it's also entirely possible that you have minimised to the point where your H does come across to others as just like any other husband, just a bit selfish or inconsiderate sometimes. But when you look at how you feel day in and day out, when you look at what his treatment of you has done to your psyche, when you look at the effect it has had on you - well it's not just a case of an otherwise good husband who is occasionally selfish or inconsiderate.

All relationships will have their difficulties. All relationships will have disagreements. All of us are capable of being occasionally selfish or inconsiderate. And so to that extent, your friends are right, he's just like any other husband. But what happens when his selfishness or lack of consideration is brought up? What happens if YOU have a moment of selfishness or lack of consideration? In a healthy relationship, both parties feel comfortable calling the other on their "bad" moments, and the issue can be discussed, resolved and put into the past. In an abusive relationship, the abuser's bad behaviour must be put in the past immediately and without discussion or resolution, while the victim's bad behaviour (real, perceived or just plain made up) is never EVER in the past. I genuinely don't believe that's a thing that "all men" do.

Livn, Thank you!!
Your post explains good/bad/abusive relationships so well!!!
It "clicked" in my head after I read that. I freely admit I minimized my abuse,and I guess so much that many of my family members took a very long time to accept the actual truth. At first I felt like they thought I was lying.. I had even doubted myself at times.
I love how you worded that post!

Gosh, thanks. Glad it resonated. :-)

Livn -----

This:

In an abusive relationship, the abuser's bad behaviour must be put in the past immediately and without discussion or resolution, while the victim's bad behaviour (real, perceived or just plain made up) is never EVER in the past. I genuinely don't believe that's a thing that "all men" do.


is an EXCELLENT point!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for articulating it so well.

I feel the same way Rose. I'll soon be free to feel good about myself. To learn to love myself again and be happy. Genuinely happy. And if someone comes along, so be it.

Liv - excellent! Such great points you brought up. Especially the last part that Ilene also highlighted. That is SO true. Right there lies the difference between "normal husband behavior" and abuse.

I too have had those times when I have read others stories and think "omg how did they survive they are so strong!" Only to find out they thinknso of me too!

Hi Not,

I feel like you and I are exactly the same journey. I filed for divorce early this week. I have so many times questioned my own strength and ability to put boundaries in place, but I have to consider the fact that in the beginning I did have strength. I did tell him when things bothered me and when I felt like my feelings were being ignored. The problem? He either didn't listen or he blamed me for my own feelings. Eventually it got to the point I realized I just couldn't talk to him at all, about anything. There was no point. It didn't matter how strong I was or what boundaries I put in place. Either he would just ignore me or he would attack me or he would talk in circles. How could I ever be happy being married to a man I can't talk to? I think I'm in a place right now where I would probably run at the first sign of selfishness. And I have to admit I do believe most men are inherently selfish. But I do agree that a man can be selfish and still care about their partners feelings and openly discuss them in a constructive way...once they realize there is a problem.

Just an update - I wrote in my journal about what's been happening the last 2 weeks. Basically - I've had the papers served, I've told our 9 yr old that her dad and I are getting a divorce. Haven't told our soon to be 3 yr old yet tho. Now we wait the 3 months and start getting a ton of paperwork together.

I've been laying low trying to process everything. And today I was feeling very badly. Reliving the past, the beginning of our married years where I was happy and we were all about each other and our dynamics worked. I pulled up this post and reread it. It helped me.

I'm still sad. I have days where I'm so numb and just can't shut my thoughts and feelings off and just have to go to sleep on my lunch time. I'm not eating very well. I'm trying but some days just lack the energy.

How are others coping, who are at this stage.

I hope the process goes well! I'm glad you're reclaiming your life! I too am in the process.

The fact that relationships can be tough, and people can quarrel is exactly what makes abuse "invisible."

The big difference between abuse and relationship problems is the difference between two people fighting and one person beating up on another person.

And if their husbands really are abusive, so what? If they live in denial, it doesn't mean you must!