joanie,
I am so sorry for how you are feeling. I really wish I could think of something to make it all go away, but I am lost for words.
I would like to suggest you take your post word for word to your therapist. I want to believe she could help you. Please talk to her.

((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((Joanie)))))))))

I think gem has a great idea & I second it.

What you described is like going thru a combination of withdrawals from him and your dreams of what could have been. Questioning yourself is normal, as is wondering if he's changed and gotten off the drugs.

To begin with, you might ask yourself these questions:

How long was he on drugs?

Is it really likely that he's quit in 17 days?
(Even if he did, quitting is on 10% of the problem. The other 90% is his behavior & this decision making abilities which were all (for lack of a better word) pickled by the drugs/alcohol. Whatever age his addiction started is the age where he is emotionally frozen. If he came from a family where at least one person suffered w/addictions, then you can bet that his current emotional age is somewhere in his childhood years.

Can someone REALLY change in 17 days?
No one changes in 17 days. They say it takes at least 21 days to make something in to a habit, but even longer to break a habit, especially a long running habit. When it comes to changing abusive &/or dysfunctional behavior, that's a whole other story. it takes YEARS to change, even when one puts their whole intent & being into changing because THEY WANT to change.

Sweetie, all I know to suggest is that you focus only on you and your healing. Be kind & gentle with yourself. Nurture yourself. Love yourself.

Hon -----

I'm sorry you're in pain.

What you're feeling is
totally normal.

"Your problem" is that
you're in the process of
detaching from an abusive
relationship.

You did NOT "mess up" by
not answering his attempts
to reach you.

You are not suddenly "relieved"
because healing from abuse
takes first, no contact, and
then, TIME.

You are not suddenly happy
because chronic abuse
beats "happy" out of us
and it takes first, no contact,
and then, then, TIME
to get "happy" back.

He's given up "for the moment,"
but possibly not, forever. Be
prepared for the day he returns
in an effort to recapture you.

What he will soon be doing
is trying to find another
victim.

When he gets one,
she will not be
"finally" making
him happy. And
he certainly won't
be making HER
happy. He will
simply have found
another victim to
abuse.

Please get yourself
support through this
painful time. It will,
finally, end. On the
other side of it, you
will free to enjoy a
life free of abuse.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

Take good care.


If he got off "some of the drugs,"
he would end up abusing you
MORE.

He would certainly have changed.
He will inevitably have gotten worse;
he would have abused you WORSE.

Joanne, I'm sorry you feel so badly at the moment. It will pass. I totally understand how you feel and why you feel it, but believe me, whether he knows it or not your ex has given you a wonderful gift. He is giving you time to work through all of your feelings, deal with any confusion without his interference and to realise that, suddenly, you know you don't need him and his abuse in your life. Please, do as gem has suggested, if you haven't already, complete the index card exercise, research abuse, journal, continue to post. Also, do things for you, exercise, make sure you shower, brush your teeth, style your hair buy yourself something nice, do stuff for you. Self care is so important. One thing I noticed when going through what you are was that eating helped me feel better and I wasn't quite so anxious. EFT is also another great tool to use (google it, or search YouTube) as well as imagery and meditation. You are doing so well, being so strong, and should be really proud of yourself. Just be kind to yourself, concentrate on you and your needs and things will improve for you

I feel exactly like you a lot of the time and I think its just part of what we must go through in the process of healing. It hurts, it is no fun, but, its better than the alternative and it will get better but the alternative (being in the abusive relationship) will just continue to hurt us and get worse. Right? Right!! Hugs, hang in there!!

I agree with what the others have written, but I wanted to add/repeat some (sometimes we need to hear things a few times before we can really hear them).

Firstly, you need to get rid of the word "should" when it comes to your emotions. You "should" feel whatever you do feel. And if you don't feel relief and are not dancing a jig because someone you cared about is showing they really don't care about you ... well that's not exactly surprising, but even if it were, you'd be entitled to it.

The greatest gift I gave myself (after walking away from my last abuser) was learning to accept my feelings, allow myself to feel whatever I did. And my emotions about the whole thing did bounce around for a while: sad, betrayed, angry, relieved, confused, heartbroken, hopeful ... sometimes all at once. And that's ok. I'm allowed that. So are you. Feel what you feel, don't beat yourself up over it.

Another thing, just to second some of what MTC said, my ex was an alcoholic. He did give up alcohol for a while before the relationship finally ended and he was, if anything, worse. He wasn't violent (although by the end of the 3 months or so that he was sober, I was starting to see the pressure build up), but he was nastier. And he now had a "reason" - he was suffering withdrawals, and I just had to accept that and support him. That gave him an excuse for every horrible thing he did and said to me in that 3 months. Right up to the time I finally went no contact with him, he was still saying the alcohol was the problem, the alcohol was the reason he was abusive. But it wasn't. In some ways, the alcohol actually took the edge off (though it did bring violence, the emotional abuse wasn't nearly as bad when he was drinking).

So to take your questions one by one (and to be clear - I agree with everything else said as well):

* you are not happy and relieved, and you are wondering why he gave up, because you are human, you cared and you still have a great deal of your self worth bound up in whether he wants you or not - it will take time and therapy and self care to realign your self-worth so that it's dependent on you, not on someone else. Plus there is no "should" in emotions.

* what he's doing is figuring out how best to get more supply, whether from you or from someone else - perhaps he's figuring if he leaves it long enough, you'll break and contact him; perhaps he's working on a new victim. I don't know what he's doing, but it's time to work on not caring what he's doing. Again, that's not easy and it will take time - but it's worth reminding yourself every time you go there, that what he's doing is of no consequence to you.

* nobody is, or will ever, make him happy. Nobody who is capable of being happy and loving themselves is capable of abuse. Plus, happiness comes (or doesn't) from within. Nobody can make him happy unless he does the work himself. Which if he's an abuser and an addict, is incredibly unlikely - and impossible in 17 days.

* He didn't change (not in 17 days), if he got of "some of" the drugs he may well be worse, and even if he's not, the drugs are only a part of the problem.

Please take the advice the other ladies have given you. You can get through this - you can get to a place where you ARE relieved and happy. You don't have to force it. And in the meantime, please don't beat yourself up for not feeling what you think you "should" feel.

I'm feeling similar to you at the moment as my ex has also coincidentally gone 17 days without contacting me! And like you he never normally goes more than a week at a time. In my case, I believe OW is the main cause as he left me to go back to her and she has even made him change his phone number. But he will only be doing this as he wants something from her- I think she is planning to give him money for a new car and he won't want to risk losing this. Last week I was very upset but this week I'm accepting it and feeling better. I still know in my heart of hearts he will try and come back though eventually, and I believe you're will too. EA's/narcs always return to old supply as that's what they see us as.
As for how you're feeling, you're still seeking some sort of validation from him. This is how they end up making us feel with the push/pull and this is why it keeps us coming back for more.
When you are truly healed u won't care what he's thinking or what has changed, and you won't need him.
Concentrate on you and therapy and it will get easier

Actually at the time of this posting it was 19 days so that is well over 2 weeks since his usual. I find it sad that I keep track on my calender of his calls and texts, but I have done so since the first break up. I think it is something I have done out of habit since I used to write down my very emotionally abusive ex boyfriends texts who was prior to him. I did this to try to figure out what I had perhaps done wrong to make him break up or fight with me about every other week or so. He was a pretty bad alcoholic and he would send some pretty disturbing texts and then say he had not said what he did. So out of desperation, I started saving his texts then when it got to be too many and I had to start erasing them, I would start writing down our text correspondence and try to figure things out or have an objective friend or family member figure it out. I finally had to change my phone number 3 times with that one after 2 years of him messing with me even after we had broken up and I had went no contact. :(
I would assume that now I am in the habit of documentation of texts, phone calls, he said, I said. I have not tried to really even date other than this man and it took 7 months of correspondance online to agree to a social date with him. Then a few more dates to even spend time alone with him. I wish I had those dates before that back, he was a completely different person before the mask came off. :(
He was a gentleman, opened the car door for me, did not force even a kiss on me. Took me places, was almost like a young, shy boy. What a con.
We did fun things, hiked, roller skated, drove around and talked about anything. He helped me to tear down the walls I had built only to become even worse in ways then the severely emotionally abusive alcoholic before him. I think because he was the proverbial wolf in sheeps clothing. At least when the come across like the wolf from the get go, you expect to be ripped to shreds, but when you think you have finally found the sheep and it will be ok, there is no danger here..it is that much worse.

I just think that while we r in NC we still (for however long) are in the frame of mind of the cycle of abuse,

NC for the first however many months can feel like the honeymoon phase of the cycle of abuse, and sometimes the honeymoon phase (especially towards the end when we know that we r being abused) it can feel uneasy!

I read the other day about how the times between abuse is the worst because we are left waiting for the next episode, do just to get it over and done with! Be it emotional or physical.

I think in NC we r still waiting for them to come and abuse us, many have tried NC before like yourself so we ocean even like yourself pick out the pattern or cycle of NC.

When the cycle is broken it brings us great uncertainty, what r u to expect? So it's almost like the honeymoon phase, waiting for him to contact and then wondering why?

The whole "has he found happiness" is a part of your conditioning that you was not good enough! So also the broken cycle is also a rejection as the cycle (abuse and NC) was a part of you as we all contributed to the cycle (by not staying and going NC)

It's scary when things are uncertain and all sorts of things can run throu your mind.

I think u need to try to figure out and reach a place where u say "if he contacts me or not makes no difference, I decided to go NC and I'm sticking to my decision"

I think because he's broken the cycle of NC your doubting yourself again!

Stop it right now (said in the most nurturing way possible)

Get your focus back, get back on track, remember, you are in control and you chose NC for a very good reason! Honour all the hard work you've put into it, recognise these feelings for what they are, don't let them define you, your experience and actions!

Remain NC,!!!!!

He has tried to detox , or at least seemed to once at my house, he was pale and shaking, nausous and throwing up in my bathroom. His reason was that he was planning to try to "foster" a couple kids and had to be drug tested that week, so he had to test clean. Suppossedly he was only detoxing from pot? I had to wonder why the effects were so bad, he had stomach cramps immediatly after eating out and we had to rush home (he couldn't eat much at all) then he was in my bathroom throwing up, then in my bedroom for about ten minutes with cramps and chills. When he allowed me to see him finally, and hold his hand, he grasped it so hard it was painful to me. Then he thanked me for being there for him. He ended up staying the night and of course did not bother me for any type of intimacy. That was the only time I had seen him like that, he left early the next morning, then I did not hear out of him for a month of which when he finally contacted me, his excuse was he ended up watching 3 kids and it just had kept him so busy and "took it out of him" His words. He seems to have his moments of disappearing and to my recollection, cannot maintain an every weekend type relationship, never has.
I feel deep down, he is either using (something worse than pot) or has to get back with his ex girlfriend or perhaps a new girlfriend he keeps on a string, who knows? This is why I never got back with him after he let on when he got back with me the second time that he dumped his ex girlfriend to get back with me..I figured if he would dump someone for me, he would dump me for them. I did not know he had done this when he hooked up with me, just that he was single and wanted me back, missed me, loved me, made a mistake..all the bullshit they say. Had I known he had the on/off girlfriend of years, he would never of gotten the second chance.
I only stayed in touch because he wished to stay friends and I felt badly for him due to the drugs and he told me he wanted to get off them. I now realize he was lying about that as when I got back with him the second time he smoked even more than he did the first time I was with him and didnt even try to hide his pot use, like when we first got together and he told the same lies.
His best lie.... " You make me want to be a better man."
That is off As Good As if Gets , and thats all it was was just a lie. :(