Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm always questioning if my ex really was emotionally abusive...and every time I talk about him being abusive, I always end up defending him and feeling bad. I feel like I'm over-exaggerating...but even he admits that he used to treat me badly. He used to get mad and take it out on me, saying whatever he could that he knew would hurt me. He justified himself by saying I shouldn't have made him mad or that it's not like he cussed me out or called me names...I actually got used to the things he would say and it got to the point where it no longer hurt me...or at least I acted like it didn't. I even asked him what was I doing to make him mad, and he said everything I do makes him mad. Even if he was angry at someone else, I'm the one that he'd take it out on. He usually said things along the lines of "Atlanta girls aren't good for nothing but getting raped and prostituting," or "the only reason I got my spot was because I probably slept with all the upperclassmen on the drumline." When I couldn't get back into school because of financial aid, he even got mad once and said it was really because I was stupid - that I was so stupid they wouldn't even let me come back to school. For years, he had a strange hold over me...we were together for 2 years officially, 2 1/2 unofficially (we still acted like a couple and even dated, but he didn't want to be in a relationship), and for another 3 years or so, I've been trying to move on. He used me and lead me on the entire time. I often even felt like he enjoyed seeing me hurt and crap...but I finally have moved on, except I'm very insecure. I'm already submissive in nature, esp after all the hurt I've faced in the past...
I don't know if my ex was abusive or if he just was a bit mean, but whatever the case, I sometimes feel it still affects me...and I'm hoping it doesn't ruin my relationship now, esp if my boyfriend really doesn't ever hurt me like he promises he wont :\
Sorry for the long rant, I really needed it. But I am curious to know if you all think my ex really was abusive, or was he just borderline, or just mean or what?
I don't know if my ex was abusive or if he just was a bit mean, but whatever the case, I sometimes feel it still affects me...and I'm hoping it doesn't ruin my relationship now, esp if my boyfriend really doesn't ever hurt me like he promises he wont :\
Sorry for the long rant, I really needed it. But I am curious to know if you all think my ex really was abusive, or was he just borderline, or just mean or what?
Yes, he was emotionally abusive.
How long was it from the time it was officially over with your ex to the time you get a new BF?
If you still doubt yourself, I'd say you should not be in a relationship right now...
I'm not being critical; just that I've been there and the only way I broke my pattern was to do the "NO MEN" for a year. Think of it as detox for relationships. I mean, I didn't even LOOK at a guy for a year... not even asking someone at Acme for parsley- I asked a woman!
I'd suggest that you say all this stuff to the guy you are with now and see how he handles it.
Is this the first guy you went out on a date with, by any chance?
Between what I've learned and what I've read from others, I've come to believe that there are two commonly used definitions of abuse, and both are valid in my mind.
One is simply when someone is being hurtful or mean. Pretty much everyone is hurtful or mean at some point, so everyone is abusive in that sense. Because of that, it's really hard for most people to "see" abuse, even those being abused.
Two is the SITUATION of abuse, where one person constantly and usually covertly hurts another within a relationship. The key here is that they want to control you, and being mean is merely one tactic they use.
Most people only understand abuse as definition one, and believe that the situation of abuse is simply "people being occasionally mean." What most people don't understand is the key aspect of definition two, which is the constant (CONSTANT!) tactics employed to control.
Regardless of which definition you use, it's important to realize that YOU get to decide what you are willing to deal with either way. Even if someone is "just being mean" that doesn't mean you should stay with them. Or that you should break up. The choice is yours.
My favorite book on abuse is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I highly recommend it!
If you are concerned about current and future relationships, my very wise counselor told me "choices keep us from being victims." Abusers work to limit your choices to keep you in control. Even in relationships, stay independent! :) You are the most valuable person in your life!
You can love and care for someone, while at the same time choosing to disengage from that person because they hurt you.
From what you described, it sounds as though your ex was abusive. http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/#tab-id-2 Click on Emotional/Verbal Abuse.
I appreciate all of your comments. I will look up the book and the link you guys (ooooo and jeneiram) provided. I will also consider talking more in-dept to my boyfriend...I told him about some stuff, and he was sympathetic and he assured me that he wouldn't hurt me. And to answer your question (DeliAnnem) this is the first guy I went on a date with to see if there was an interest (before starting a relationship). I went on a few dates with my ex, but it was as his girlfriend and after we broke up (not before).
I'm not saying that to be mean, but I really think you need to sloooow down because you are clearly not over what happened with your es- you are only just starting to accept you were abused.
I'd take a GIANT step back from this guy. If he truly cares for you, he'll respect you doing some work on yourself first.
you said:
and he said everything I do makes him mad. Even if he was angry at someone else, I'm the one that he'd take it out on. He usually said things along the lines of "Atlanta girls aren't good for nothing but getting raped and prostituting," or "the only reason I got my spot was because I probably slept with all the upperclassmen on the drumline." When I couldn't get back into school because of financial aid, he even got mad once and said it was really because I was stupid - that I was so stupid they wouldn't even let me come back to school
Everything in this small chunk
of your thread are examples of
really awful abuse.
I strongly recommend
that you contact your
local women's center.
Here's the number for
your state's coalition:
800.650.6522
I also urge you in the
strongest terms to
consider engaging
in focused therapy
with a qualified
counselor.
Also, I agree with
DeliAnnem that you
take a step back from
involvement with a
new partner, until you
at least begin the work
that would help keep
your life from becoming
entangled in toxicity again.
The man you're now with
may be wonderful -----
or he may be a predator
wearing sheep's clothing,
looking for a susceptible
target ---- exactly like you.
If that's the case,
you won't know
that you're being
abused again,
until you're already
suffering.
If it's not, he'll honor
your need to do the
required work first,
before becoming
involved again.
Please take good care.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and
happiness.
I could be wrong. But, I doubt it.
I know I messed up by jumping into a relationship so quickly, but I'm hoping he's really a good guy and not just pretending to be...I'm not sure if I can break up with him, but I will definitely try slowing down and also, I'm definitely going to look into counseling.
good guy, and not
just pretending to be.
In my experience, it's
almost impossible
to know someone
intimately, in less
than twelve to eighteen
months, and without
some opportunities
during that time to
see how he deals
with stress and
frustration.
Getting to the ability
of speaking one's
mind is an individual
process. Get there
however you can
get there.
I'm happy to hear you
say you're considering
counseling. That can
be a vital part of
self-care.
Sorry to write so much, but I've been wanting to say this all day!
If you don't mind, how long was it that you guy started having sex?