Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl
In the conversation in which Ive been engaged,
for roughly ten years, Ive been exploring the topic
of dysfunctional commonly known as abusive
behavior patterns.
For most of civilized history, dysfunctional behavior,
even violent behavior, was given a pass if it took place
within a domestic setting or if it was perpetrated by
someone you had a relationship with or would open
your door to let in.
In the last forty years, that began to change somewhat.
Probably propelled by the civil rights and the second
womens movement, shelters for battered women and
children began to appear. Beating up your intimate partner
finally became a crime and was identified as being abusive.
Okay, then. Physical violence, physical battery. . . . . everyone
agrees that thats abusive. Emotional abuse then became the
new frontier, the landscape about which there was little agreement.
That was the discussion upon which I entered, when I began my exploration, ten years ago.
Yes ---- calling someone ugly, nasty names is emotional abuse.
But what about calling your wife, who is bundled up to prevent
frost-bite in nearly-fifty-below temperatures, the Pillsbury dough-boy?
Is that being sweetly teasing or emotionally abusive?
(Its being sweetly teasing if absolutely everything else between
the couple is warm and wonderful. If nearly everything else between
the couple is a history of cruel overt and covert emotional abuse, then
the potentially teasing comment is not sweetly teasing, but consistent
with the historical pattern of emotional abuse.)
What then, do we think or say about someone, who over the course of
maybe . . . . a year. . . . . seems for the most part to be pretty great.
But actually, over the course of that year, had begun to establish patterns of interaction that included being controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive?
Is that someone whos being emotionally abusive?
No one else who knows this person would say that was the case.
They might say, Sure. Hes been known to be overbearing.
Or, Okay, hes got some quirks. Or the perennially popular,
Well, look. Nobodys perfect!
Is a controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive
person. . . . abusive?
You decide.
Wolf's Daily Howl
In the conversation in which Ive been engaged,
for roughly ten years, Ive been exploring the topic
of dysfunctional commonly known as abusive
behavior patterns.
For most of civilized history, dysfunctional behavior,
even violent behavior, was given a pass if it took place
within a domestic setting or if it was perpetrated by
someone you had a relationship with or would open
your door to let in.
In the last forty years, that began to change somewhat.
Probably propelled by the civil rights and the second
womens movement, shelters for battered women and
children began to appear. Beating up your intimate partner
finally became a crime and was identified as being abusive.
Okay, then. Physical violence, physical battery. . . . . everyone
agrees that thats abusive. Emotional abuse then became the
new frontier, the landscape about which there was little agreement.
That was the discussion upon which I entered, when I began my exploration, ten years ago.
Yes ---- calling someone ugly, nasty names is emotional abuse.
But what about calling your wife, who is bundled up to prevent
frost-bite in nearly-fifty-below temperatures, the Pillsbury dough-boy?
Is that being sweetly teasing or emotionally abusive?
(Its being sweetly teasing if absolutely everything else between
the couple is warm and wonderful. If nearly everything else between
the couple is a history of cruel overt and covert emotional abuse, then
the potentially teasing comment is not sweetly teasing, but consistent
with the historical pattern of emotional abuse.)
What then, do we think or say about someone, who over the course of
maybe . . . . a year. . . . . seems for the most part to be pretty great.
But actually, over the course of that year, had begun to establish patterns of interaction that included being controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive?
Is that someone whos being emotionally abusive?
No one else who knows this person would say that was the case.
They might say, Sure. Hes been known to be overbearing.
Or, Okay, hes got some quirks. Or the perennially popular,
Well, look. Nobodys perfect!
Is a controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive
person. . . . abusive?
You decide.
around abuse"
I agree. For me with my abusive family members, I have found it very liberating to stand up to them and call them on their abuse. It has helped me. They are very reluctant now to say what they are thinking in regards to insults and name calling. Although they are probably still thinking that way, they aren't verbalizing it to me and if they do I will not hesitate to call them on it again. standing up to them has helped my self esteem enormously.
However I am not in threat of physical danger from them. As an adult that threat has long since passed. They aren't physically threatening to others either, so we're back to the spectrum of abuse. I believe when dealing with a narcisstic abuser who has shown no indication of being physically threatening or who is no longer in a position of authority and has not made any threats to cause physical harm then standing up to them as Evans suggests does help the victim regain strength and self esteem. Just my opinion and based on my experience.
However I would never ever suggest a victim stand up to an abuser who has fits of rage aka as tantrums, throws and/or breaks things or has physically threatened or harmed their victim. In those cases then the abuse will escalate greatly and being physically harmed will be imminate.
With my physically abusive exh whenever I fought back he always escalated. I know he easily could have killed me but in those moments my instinct said to fight back although I was terrified. He eventually just started staying away when he realized that trying to own me was a lot of work(abuse).
One day I realized that what bothered me was even though the things said were all in jest and all the rest.......they hurt me. When I let my H know how much I was hurting....I was told that's your problem. Also like Casalina said......once he knows I do not like something it is a guaranteed to happen. If I asked for what I needed he would find an excuse not to give it, and it usually involved something that was wrong of me.....
I realized to me that is abuse.
Sadly.......