Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Pasted in from today's
Wolf's Daily Howl
In the conversation in which Ive been engaged,
for roughly ten years, Ive been exploring the topic
of dysfunctional commonly known as abusive
behavior patterns.
For most of civilized history, dysfunctional behavior,
even violent behavior, was given a pass if it took place
within a domestic setting or if it was perpetrated by
someone you had a relationship with or would open
your door to let in.
In the last forty years, that began to change somewhat.
Probably propelled by the civil rights and the second
womens movement, shelters for battered women and
children began to appear. Beating up your intimate partner
finally became a crime and was identified as being abusive.
Okay, then. Physical violence, physical battery. . . . . everyone
agrees that thats abusive. Emotional abuse then became the
new frontier, the landscape about which there was little agreement.
That was the discussion upon which I entered, when I began my exploration, ten years ago.
Yes ---- calling someone ugly, nasty names is emotional abuse.
But what about calling your wife, who is bundled up to prevent
frost-bite in nearly-fifty-below temperatures, the Pillsbury dough-boy?
Is that being sweetly teasing or emotionally abusive?
(Its being sweetly teasing if absolutely everything else between
the couple is warm and wonderful. If nearly everything else between
the couple is a history of cruel overt and covert emotional abuse, then
the potentially teasing comment is not sweetly teasing, but consistent
with the historical pattern of emotional abuse.)
What then, do we think or say about someone, who over the course of
maybe . . . . a year. . . . . seems for the most part to be pretty great.
But actually, over the course of that year, had begun to establish patterns of interaction that included being controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive?
Is that someone whos being emotionally abusive?
No one else who knows this person would say that was the case.
They might say, Sure. Hes been known to be overbearing.
Or, Okay, hes got some quirks. Or the perennially popular,
Well, look. Nobodys perfect!
Is a controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive
person. . . . abusive?
You decide.
Wolf's Daily Howl
In the conversation in which Ive been engaged,
for roughly ten years, Ive been exploring the topic
of dysfunctional commonly known as abusive
behavior patterns.
For most of civilized history, dysfunctional behavior,
even violent behavior, was given a pass if it took place
within a domestic setting or if it was perpetrated by
someone you had a relationship with or would open
your door to let in.
In the last forty years, that began to change somewhat.
Probably propelled by the civil rights and the second
womens movement, shelters for battered women and
children began to appear. Beating up your intimate partner
finally became a crime and was identified as being abusive.
Okay, then. Physical violence, physical battery. . . . . everyone
agrees that thats abusive. Emotional abuse then became the
new frontier, the landscape about which there was little agreement.
That was the discussion upon which I entered, when I began my exploration, ten years ago.
Yes ---- calling someone ugly, nasty names is emotional abuse.
But what about calling your wife, who is bundled up to prevent
frost-bite in nearly-fifty-below temperatures, the Pillsbury dough-boy?
Is that being sweetly teasing or emotionally abusive?
(Its being sweetly teasing if absolutely everything else between
the couple is warm and wonderful. If nearly everything else between
the couple is a history of cruel overt and covert emotional abuse, then
the potentially teasing comment is not sweetly teasing, but consistent
with the historical pattern of emotional abuse.)
What then, do we think or say about someone, who over the course of
maybe . . . . a year. . . . . seems for the most part to be pretty great.
But actually, over the course of that year, had begun to establish patterns of interaction that included being controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive?
Is that someone whos being emotionally abusive?
No one else who knows this person would say that was the case.
They might say, Sure. Hes been known to be overbearing.
Or, Okay, hes got some quirks. Or the perennially popular,
Well, look. Nobodys perfect!
Is a controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive
person. . . . abusive?
You decide.
I had a boyfriend years ago, who say the meanest, cruelest things. Then, when I got upset, he'd say 'I was just joking. Man, can't you tell that I'm joking? What's wrong with you, can't you take a joke?'
And I'd feel that I was overly sensitive, stupid, whiny.
Then, I started saying to him: "It's only a joke if the other person laughs."
Then I decided over time, I don't like the behaviour this person is exhibiting. I don't want to be around it anymore. And that was the road to me detaching and moving away from the relationship.
To me (and all of us smart ladies here at DS) that was abuse.
And I'll never take that again.
I grew up with this kind of covert nastiness.
The whole "can't you take a joke" thing really hits a nerve with me.
I guy I dated last year made a rude comment about the fact that I was on a support website. I only specifically mentioned the divorce and breakups groups while discussing my views on getting to know someone in the dating world.
That was one of my first inklings that he was not right for me. There were other seemingly "little" creepy redflags along the way, as well.
It's been a just over a year now that I stopped seeing him and went no contact. And he JUST texted me last night wanting to TALK!
I didn't respond, although I really was SO tempted to let him know exactly why I wasn't talking to him.
I still don't understand why I seem to get all the crazies in my life.
I sit at home alone all the time now, because I am still trying to figure that out so I don't end up with yet another one.
Is a controlling, dictatorial, dismissive, disrespectful and deceptive
person. . . . abusive?
THAT WAS my ex. Add to that, verbal abuse, borderline physical and sexually abusive. Add to that crazy jealousy, and crazy-making behaviors.
Rachel and Chanjohn,
One of the main ways my ex abused me was by saying "I'm joking". He would "joke" a lot with me. And hurt me quite badly in the process because I would plead with him that it was hurting me, and he would say that it wasn't hurting me. He knew better than me and told me that I am overreacting, making a big deal and crazy.
Vangoghster...
I am also going to therapy. Most guys I meet and that I am attracted to are problematic. I dunno, I feel so depressed right now that I can't meet someone normal, caring, respectful, etc.
I have recently learned that it IS possible to tell someone only once that you don't like a certain behaviour or whatever.
And the "joking" thing is one my father has always used, although I have only recently really become aware of what he has done my whole life. My first H was the master of super-covert manipulation, put-down and general disrespect. He never insulted me to my recollection. But now, when I look back with what I know now, I realise why my self-esteem was so crushed when he left me (and had been lowering during our nearly 12 year relationship). Because although he never insulted me and often complimented me, every compliment was back-handed (eg: "oh wow, you actually didn't do badly at that, well done", if I dressed up "gosh, you can scrub up ok after all") and many of his "jokes" were in fact cruel. He knew it too - he used to refer to those kinds of jokes (when others made them, because he, of course, was different) as "comedy with an edge".
I think that all human beings are capable of manipulation, of trying to control outcomes and others, of being dismissive or deceptive. Abuse is, I think, when there is a pattern of such behaviour. And in particular when the behaviour has been pointed out as unacceptable and yet it continues.
A very personal example of "non-abusive" behaviour that I didn't like. I have been kind of seeing a guy for a while, as many here know. The first time we had sex, he started up with the "dirty talk", which I just find uncomfortable. I was still not ready to tell him not to do stuff (the people pleaser in me) but he noticed my discomfort. He said "oh, you don't like that?". "Not really". In more than 2 years, he's never done it again.
My ex would do the "dirty talk" in bed and I HATED it with a passion! I would tell him and beg him not to do it, and he would always do it, so, after a while, I accepted it because it really turned him on and pleased him, so I tried to please him. But I hated it.
Also, what you say: " I have recently learned that it IS possible to tell someone only once that you don't like a certain behaviour or whatever. "
I always wondered why my ex never took my cues, in other words, I would tell him that some behaviors hurt me, and again, ask him not to do it. But he would do it the same.
person. . . . abusive?"
Yes. Without a doubt.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans describes those behaviors in more detail.
"But what about calling your wife, who is bundled up to prevent
frost-bite in nearly-fifty-below temperatures, the Pillsbury dough-boy?
Is that being sweetly teasing or emotionally abusive?"
I think it depends on the context and rather or not similiar comments are repeated. For example if the woman has recently gained weight and was self conscious about it then it would be abusive imo or if similiar comments were often made, knowing she was self conscious.
Not all women let their bf's or husbands know when something they have said bothers them or is hurtful. I know I didn't because I thought maybe I was just "too sensitive" so I kept my mouth shut. I believe even if i would have said something he may have stopped saying it to avoid a confrontation but his core attitude wouldn't have changed. He would have still felt the same just not verbalized it.
I think emotional abuse is repeated behavior or comments that are intended to be controlling and hurtful and to cause self doubt.
i don't forsee emotional abuse becoming litigated because it can't be proved. Rarely will an emotional abuser act out in front of others so it becomes the responsibility of the woman to recognize her experience as abuse.
"""" it becomes the responsibility of the woman to recognize her experience as abuse. """""""""""
There is a lot of truth here.
I would also add as a reminder
that abuse is not gender specific.
Women can be abusive and
men can be victimized. (My
own gentle father was raised
in a home where he was
victimized, and then married
a woman who continued the
patterns with which he was
familiar.)
So, I'd just modify that sentence
to read "individual," instead of
"woman."
And yes. . . . . each of us needs to
be able to recognize when we're
being treated with anything other
than love and respect.
When we do, it helps to keep in
mind a set of insights about the
patterns of abusers:
There is a spectrum of intensity
around abuse. The sorts of behavior
I encountered in the relationship that
just ended, was on the seriously subtle
end of the spectrum. Had it gone on, I
would have ended up unhappy, but not
in a whole lot of physical danger.
On the other end of the spectrum would
be where you find more blatant sorts of
abuse and also where, continuing on in
the relationship could put someone's
life at risk.
I recognize that there are circumstances
in abusive scenarios where the victim
may have to bide her or his time, in
regards to getting free and moving on.
Just as for a captive in a prisoner of war camp,
there are ways for that captive to be able to
survive in captivity, till the opportunity comes
to breaking out. Being vocal and oppositional
is NOT generally, a good way to survive till the
time for escape comes near.
Being vocal about abuse and acting in an
oppositional way will almost certainly result
in an escalation of all the abusive patterns
by the abuser. (My personal opinion is that,
if someone identifies that she or he is being
abused, opposing the abuse is futile at best
and potentially dangerous, depending on
where the abuser falls on the spectrum of
intensity of abuse.)
The only real way to truly escape the indignities
of being victimized by abuse. . . . . is to develop
a safety plan and ultimately, to remove oneself
from the crosshairs of the abuser. In other words:
to ESCAPE.
Each of us, from whatever kind of family-of-origin
we emerged, needs to be able to identify what
we're feeling and if those around us are treating
us with respect and love or disrespect and abuse.
When we identify how someone is treating us,
we need to assess the situation and determine
a safe and appropriate next step, (and next step,
after that).
If you figure out you're being abused, share this
with people who can support you . . . . NOT
the abuser.
Then analyze if you have to hang around
the abuser for now, and if so, for how long.
While you have to hang around,
see yourself as surviving in a
prisoner of war camp, while
you're digging an escape tunnel.
You go along to survive. This is
not surrendering. This is surviving.
When you're able to break out SAFELY,
you attempt the escape.
Escape is the only real way to
remove yourself from abuse.
You may not be able to do it immediately
so you do it when you safely can.
I now, apparently am totally invisible to him, literally, unless something absolutely, positively has to be said/done.
Getting a severe beating like he used to give me would hurt less, at least those wounds would heal. Emotional wounds don't.
Started a goal today to unlearn being "comfortable" with his abuse. It's been going on for far too many yrs. and I want whatever little time I have left to be at least more peaceful, can't do anything about the pain factor but HAVE to UNLEARN letting my buttons get pushed emotionally. It never stops hurting!!!!!
But the behavior itself is definitely abusive and unacceptable.
Confronting the abuse is absolutely futile and best and dangerous at first. I made that mistake, and even thought going to marriage counseling was a good idea. I know we had a whole thread about that. I was so naive - thinking the marriage counselor would see the abuse right off and "call" him on it. Ha! What a laugh on me!
That's one issue I have with Patricia Evans. She is an excellent resource for INDENTIFYING abuse and describing how it affects an individual experiencing it. However, she seems to think that certain responses can help deflect abuse, such as "Stop it right now!" when you are called a name. I can't imagine that would help anyone, and may (probably) cause the abuse to escalate quickly. Also, she believes that couples counseling can help. I disagree with these 2 things strongly. Just my $0.02.
Sorry for the typos.