Oh and :

Hi everybody! Its nice to be back with a working computer.

One of the most helpful things to me was finding the book "The Four Agreements"

Realizing that what anyone does or says has nothing to do with me ( even if they say it does)

Learning to be BRAVE and not fearing anyone's anger or disapproval. Setting boundaries.

Learning that Actions speak louder than words.

Learning that I don't OWE anyone ( except my children) anything and in turn I am not "owed" anything either.

Learning not to give away my personal power and I should not take away another person's either.

Learning that romantic partners should never "parent" each other.

Learning to be AWARE of when I am feeling stressed and relieving that stress in positive vs. self destructive ways. Never try to heal a bad feeling with something that will make you feel guilt or shame.

Making sure I'm doing things because I WANT to do them, not because someone has made me feel I "should" be doing it.

Learning to feel compassion for people. Even the mean ones.. because though I may have caught a bad deal in being abused, at least when I'm away fromt the abuse, I'm still me. If I were the one doing the abusing THAT would be an even worse deal!

What didn't work...

Expecting people to be who they just weren't. Holding onto agreements on how I thought the world should be and thinking I couldn't be happy unless it was that way.

Being very reactive didn't work.

Trying to get other people to change their core perceptions and the way they see the world.

What didn't work? Drinking.

What did work? Not drinking. ; D

Also, reading, journaling and most of all, doing family of origin work to identify patterns of why I do what I do. Then, I had to re-learn how to react to triggers.

Great question! : )

I would say Drinking ( to excess) falls under dealing with the stress of the abuse in a self destructive way.....

This group is NOT about judgments.

what are you talking about, MTC?

" I would say Drinking ( to excess) falls under dealing with the stress of the abuse in a self destructive way..... "

That seems like its pretty much a judgment. It doesn't help anyone here to say things like that. We are here to support each other, especially when someone is brave enough to admit things they have done to cope AND I didn't she her asking for an opinion about her actions.

It might help to remember that people do the best they can with what they have at the time.

People generally tend to feel less safe to talk about things if they feel they are being judged.

I don't see it that way.

I was pointing out to Deli ( who I have much respect for, I'm a fan of her writing and pretty much just her in general... even though she and I have different perspectives at times, I consider her one of the good guys.. and like I said. I respect her viewpoints and opinions.

As I was saying.. I was pointing out to Deli that I agree... as I had put a part in my long post about things to do to get over abuse... Not to deal with the stress of abuse in a self destructive way. So in that, I feel we agree. You just read it how you wanted to read it MTC


You seem to just look for any area in what I type to disagree with, MTC... For your own comfort you should put me on ignore, I feel that my contribution irks you and speaking of judgment .. I feel you judge what I say quite often.

We are all entitled to our opinions and you are not the boss of this group.

My healing came in stages. I'll answer with an analogy.

I once had a dog, (my first kid), he was really really well behaved. I'd get people coming up to me all of the time and asking "Where did he get trained, how long did it take to teach him that?" I'd look down at him...and answer his age. It was a continuous day to day thing that got him heeling without a lead and coming to me on hand signals.

And I'll answer the same thing with myself. I'm 50...it's taken me 50 years minus the last day I lived at home growing up.

The other answer is...it came in stages. I only ever went to therapy 6 times. But I'll never forget the first time. I was curled up on the chair pouring out all of the constraints on how I couldn't please my mother, father and sister at the same time...and he asked me "Who thinks of you?"

I was floored. Speechless. (I'm not often speechless...) What struck me at the time was ...Wasn't he listening to me? I think I sat in silence for 3-5 minutes as thoughts bounced back and forth like crazy all through me head. The question still can bring tears to my eyes.

It was the first time in my life that I can remember anyone even thinking of me. It's hard to even explain...how I got to the age of 18, and just never ever even considered it.

That question, that single question, which it took me years to work out...did a whole lot to heal me, and still does.

I call them "throwaway words". Things that people don't even think about or remember, stay with us all. My ex was virtually killed inside by a comment from a teacher (who I'm sure meant absolutely no harm). I carried comments from so many people, that within me, ground me into dust.

And yet, "throwaway words" can also have the power of healing. I'm sure that the therapist's words to me weren't based on any great insight (other things he said were completely clueless, I didn't and don't reveal myself often). Yet throwaway words can have the power of healing....saved me anyway.

Words have so much power...sooo much power.

So what saved me? That question, my dog, my marriage, my divorce, my daughter, my son, time, time, time, looking for the good, seeing that others hurt too, learning to forgive (I've always hated that word, but I don't know a better one) myself, loving others until I learned how to love, then eventually loving myself, reading, reading, reading, thinking. Time. And helping others.

To jump in...

Thanks for the complements, Shasta. And yes, sometimes we do clash, but I hope we're able to do that respectfully. I hope you feel I've been able to do that, at least... both on here and on my site 153Promise.com Thanks for your comments on there, btw. You have inspired posts... keep them coming!

As for the drinking part, yes... I did use it to cope. But it only contributed to a negative spiral down.

I personally oppose medication, so I STILL self medicate... but now, it's my writing and yoga. Along with other healthy lifestyle choices like also quitting smoking, eating as fresh as I can and doing breathing exercises and generally practicing self care.

Hope you all have a day of health and positive choices!

Thank you, Deli! I find your personality very rare in that when we disagree you are more interested in learning about a new view point more so than taking it as an attack on the ego.

I thought what you said meshed with what I said in my first post, and since I'm allowed to Paraphrase myself it was something like.... Make sure you are coping with the stress in positive ways.

I wasn't judging AT ALL! I feel we are all human and anyone could choose an activity that could get out of hand and turn into a self destructive coping mechanism.

Hope you have a good day too!

True, Shasta Sue... sometimes we trade one addiction for another -- even a good one -- if we don't do the work on ourselves.

I know I sometimes get shot down on here for not being "nice," but to me, I think it's more important to have real, meaningful dialogue.

I think you are like that, too. Which is why, to be honest, sometimes you rattle me. But other times, you bring clarity to my own issues. So what I try to do is ask myself, "why does this bother me, and what's going on with ME that I'm going to let a stranger's words on a screen upset me?" What validation am I craving that I'm not getting? What insecurities do *I* have?"

I also think I'm pretty good with apologizing if I re-read my words and I realize that the way I phrased it may have come off gruff or offensive.

To tie that in with the OP, what works for me is to ALWAYS look at myself to the problem and the cure! : )

What I like about DS is that you get different opinions/ approaches.

Do I agree with everyone? Absolutely not. Every single person annoys me at one time or another...but that's true in my real life too.

Sometimes I learn from what's said.
Sometimes I learn because what's said fits so poorly.

Example (My son was having severe problems in kindergarten, in the principal's office nearly daily. As I walked down the hall with the guidance counselor he remarked that my son must be playing violent games at home...things dying and such.

That was SO far from the truth. The truth was that my son had no play skills and the most imaginative thing he played was Baby Pony or Baby Puppy with his stuffed animal.

I could have argued with the counselor, but what would that have gained me? The guidance counselor wasn't "listening to me anymore" I was the troublesome parent (or misguided, or clueless or whatever adjective that you want to pick.) I just went home, cut the discipline WAY back, 1000% back...and things started to get better.

Three years later, my kids were sitting to the side together, because I was the only parent that didn't sign the form to let my kids get photographed for the school picture. And in front of the whole school, my daughter started playing with my son's face. My son just sat there (my kids are extremely close). Teachers I didn't even know, remarked to me on how amazed they were. And they finally started believing what I'd been saying all along.


Point is. Everyone knows their situation best. Listening to all sides can often help me learn. Especially...Especially, when the other person is 100% wrong.

Thanks everybody for your wonderful answers!

I am getting ready to try "internal family systems" therapy along with meditation and chocolate.

But I wanted to add to my list of things to try! Its always good to have more than one avenue.