"My question is....why was he so nice when I met him and now he can (at times) be so mean?"

This is typical abuser behavior. They are charming, charismatic and they have a way of getting everyone to believe they can do no wrong.

You're probably right about most of his issues stemming from wanting to be in control. This is also a typical abuser trait. It's all about control.

Unfortunately knowing the reasons will not help fix him. He is an abuser and will probably always be an abuser. The abuser "reform" rate is dismally low.

There are lots of good books that help explain all about abusers.

"Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft is quite good. I also recommend The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.

i looked at your post , and throught , oh dear another one of us,, with one of them ,,same word,s said as mine did same replyes,and same throught,s i had , just another couple playing this sad insaine game , excpect it an,t a game it,s our lifes ,there lifes,,, all i can say that i hope will help ,is detach from his isseues in the most loving way you can so you feel ok doing so , and consontrate on yourself ,ive only found answeres, in al-anon, that helped me , but i,m sure ther are other surport group,s , your young , grab sumthink now , or have a read of sum of the post,s , of the insainty sum of us have gone through, and chose for yourself now ,, the , faces of the toxic man was a good one ,and learn about yourself too ,as i saw in myself a need for sumone like this in my life so as i didn,t have to face my own problem,s ( i didn,t have none i throught _, all my time with my head stuck up his butt in his problem,s , with his isseses, slowly but slowly they all became mine ,, added to the ones i already had , by the time they all became aparent and great pain was the only teacher for me, to be able to see where i began he and ended so much water and pain and insanity had gone under the bridge ,ther was nothink left of me ,,, yet he was running around still doing, still saying the same thing,s the same ,, 6 pirson senances later , and me , oh he said this he said that,,, yet was it not that while he was in i was in control ,, was that why i put up with it,,???? wasn,t till i saw myself ,,, i could see what i was doing and why!!!! get your self help and surport now love ,, and use the pain and waseted year,s of each person on this gruop to draw you wisdom and strenght from, don,t let ther pain be your life and memeries . you have a choice now ,,, ,, i used to put myself and my life back to gether evrey time he went in , used to look forward to it for a breack, ( how sad,s that ) yet within day,s of him coming home, i was back ,life was back to exacally how it had been ,,and i blamed him, he was the devil and i was the angel ...and being with him gave me premision to feel good about myself , and allow him to contiue to feel shit and throw it back ward,s and forwar,ds at each other , ,,it wasn,t till i changed , that anythink did , causse there one thing for sure all the time your doing the doing , fitting to all this ,playing i,m his gradian angel and he,s me frog prince , who if i kiss he,ll change into prince charming for me ,,, , your doing yourself and him the biggest injustice ,within your love and surport of him, surport yourself , and hand,s off him,and all i can pray for you is that you,ll both come out the other side of this with dignity and pride, of fixng yourself,s ,, in all honesty and reality ,,if i could have faced that i was as adictide to my other, as much as one is to hoerion or drug,s i might have saved myself year,s of pain,yet in knowlage of exacaully that ,my word,s on this post, i will acually save for myself ,as it is that it is never until the pain of the drug , person or substance get,s so bad, it,s recks our lifes and that of our chidren and all other,s ,, do we ever see it or face it , the denial part of it is so powerfull , as is the pain that brought me to this gruop but my word,s are as emptey as a bottle of gin is to a sick dessparate acholic,,and other than the bottle is ... empty nothink esle can he /she see. my daugeter has watched me go to hell and back ,and i watched my mother .yet what path is she walking ,and can i say one thing ,one thing she,ll listern too, just like me 30 yaer,s ago ,not one thing,, sorry to be so negative ,or seem so , it,s not it,s excetance ,, of what . we do , till we find the power to change thing,s.. ,, be honest , be humble enoughtf to see yourself .go all out to help your self , and learn to love yourself ,he,s in a safe place.use the time you have , wisely .