Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
...in the abuser.
I know the correct answer is 'nothing - cut and run'. But sometimes miracles happen. There's 1600+ members on this board. Certainly someone has a success story to share?
I managed to get my hubby into marital counseling, which is a huge step for him. But today we got kicked out (see my journal) cause he was not even seeing what the problem is. The thing is, the counselor was not even trying to make it clear to him. He relied on me explaining that abuse is unacceptable. But if my husband listened, we would not be in his office, right?
I don't think my husband is totally blind, just too proud to admit he's wrong, and too macho to admit there's something wrong with him, and to get treatment for his recurring depression (which is what I think made him abusive last year).
So... MEN: what could get you into treatment? What could get you to see a therapist? To change? What would get your macho(er) friends to change? WOMEN: What have you done that worked?
The only concrete advice I got was to withhold sex (from a male co-worker), and to lose weight (from my mom and a friend). I have a policy against withholding sex, no matter the reason, but we haven't had any in 8 months and going due to his work deployment and problems with a pregnancy. Then it just continued. I think I miss it more than he does. :(
But there's gotta be something else that worked? Or if one or the other worked for you, can you let me know?
I know the correct answer is 'nothing - cut and run'. But sometimes miracles happen. There's 1600+ members on this board. Certainly someone has a success story to share?
I managed to get my hubby into marital counseling, which is a huge step for him. But today we got kicked out (see my journal) cause he was not even seeing what the problem is. The thing is, the counselor was not even trying to make it clear to him. He relied on me explaining that abuse is unacceptable. But if my husband listened, we would not be in his office, right?
I don't think my husband is totally blind, just too proud to admit he's wrong, and too macho to admit there's something wrong with him, and to get treatment for his recurring depression (which is what I think made him abusive last year).
So... MEN: what could get you into treatment? What could get you to see a therapist? To change? What would get your macho(er) friends to change? WOMEN: What have you done that worked?
The only concrete advice I got was to withhold sex (from a male co-worker), and to lose weight (from my mom and a friend). I have a policy against withholding sex, no matter the reason, but we haven't had any in 8 months and going due to his work deployment and problems with a pregnancy. Then it just continued. I think I miss it more than he does. :(
But there's gotta be something else that worked? Or if one or the other worked for you, can you let me know?
Obviously, losing weight is not going to cut it, that's a treat for him, not a problem.
We have not had sex in close to nine months. It seems he's suffering less than I am.
I had already asked him to move out for a week, just to get some rest from him - he refused. He said it wasn't convenient for him, he was busy at work. I honestly begin to think he's too stupid to be manipulated into getting better.
Next thing I can think of is separating our accounts, but that just doesn't make sense to me yet.
If I don't pay attention to him, he doesn't ask himself what he did wrong, he gets offended that he's not getting the attention he deserves.
What, what, what???
CB72: I am the first to admit that miracles do exist and happen frequently. That being said, your withholding sex; opening new accounts; losing wieght and whatever other manipulation you are looking for are NOT miracles. They are simply manipulations.
In fact, they are very controlling manipulations and you need to be very aware that if a man were to doing this to a woman all of it would be called controlling and abusive.
You cannot change him. Only he can change himself. I suggest you look to yourself for change.
I'm not withholding sex. He was away for a couple of months, then I was pregnant and bleeding, then in the hospital, then recovering, and then, being angry at each other as we were (mostly me at him) we simply didn't do it. After a while, you forget how it's done. lol
But I have to say, after a couple of months of not doing it, he said yes to marital counseling, which really took me by surprise. I started wondering if that crazy co-worker of mine knew what he was talking about after all.
I am a very non-manipulative person in general, and I have no desire nor skill to do it. However, at this point, is that really worse than getting a divorce? I'm willing to manipulate a little if that gets him into therapy. Any suggestions? I've also thought about the morality of putting medication in his coffee vs. getting a divorce (remember, we have a child, and he is a sick man, after all). The need to preserve trust between us prevailed, though.
We did make out the other day, and it was really hot for me, and about halfway through I started feeling very uncomfortable. That's how I felt about sex after being raped, and before I dealt with it in counseling. That's when I said 'enough', and it's really got me depressed, and it's proof positive his abuse affected me.
If we were younger, if we didn't have a kid, if we didn't own a place together... he would have never seen me again. Just on principle. But with the kid, I will see him for the next 16 years, whether I leave him or not. So it makes sense to try.
Am I making sense to you guys?
Now, if his "fits" are the result of being spoiled... which i highly doubt, then it is too late to unspoil him, since he is an adult.
And if his fits are the result of a mental illness, then there is nothing you can do about that, and the only hting he can do is get to a doc.
And even then it can take years to get medication right.
As for you saying you hardly manipulate at al... that is like saying i barely take any money out of the donation plate... manipulation is just plain wrong. That should be a warning signal in and of itself that everything is out of kilter. And just so you know... i am so glad that my mother left the abusive sob that is known as my father... and while yes you might have to deal with someone... you don't have to live in fear of them and with them.
I am, frankly disturbed by your terminology re: "the kid".
"If we were younger, if we didn't have a kid, if we didn't own a place together... he would have never seen me again. Just on principle. But with the kid, I will see him for the next 16 years, whether I leave him or not."
Reread this to yourself 5X outloud and still see if this makes sense to you. Why would you want to stay in this kind of relationship? You've considered medicating his coffee??!! Are you serious?
It sounds to me like you both need time apart and alot of individual counselling. You need to deal with the rape issue from your past and learn what trust is really all about. I am no expert on trust but I know what you're contemplating is no where near waht trust is all about.
I strongly sense that all that we have said is falling on deaf ears Jim.
I didn't say I 'hardly' manipulate, I said I DON'T do that, re-read my post, but that I am desperate enough to think about it. I am pretty desperate.
Same with coffee. I wasn't going to do it, but I thought about what was really worse under the circumstances. Besides, it's illegal.
Okay, now I'm going to write down something that I WILL re-read 5x for myself: I am desperate enough to consider violating the trust we have, in order to either A) bring about positive change, or B) prepare logistically for a separation. Okay, I read it a few times, and it's really (A) a choice between a shitty marriage and no marriage, which is to each their own, or (B) no choice, it has to be done, but then I've checked out.
So here's a question for you guys: after I file for divorce, does trust really matter? Isn't it better to break some trust before breaking the marriage? People do it every day, and not with good intentions. And should I even care after having been treated like ****?
Or are you telling me to give up and leave? I am hard of hearing.
And that's what the post was about. I'm getting help for myself, was never shy about it. But how does one get HIM to a therapist?
Anyway...
In the past few days, I was kind of trying to decide if I'm going to start planning for a check-out or not. It very anxiety-inducing. If I could only deny what is going on, things would be so much simpler.
And please don't be so literal in reading my posts. Yes, I do know denial is not a good tool for dealing with life.
The only 2 people to answer you have been jim and I. We've both told you that you can't change the abuser. He has to change himself.
I am done.
Remember that if there's love there's a way. Maybe not now if you stay but he will realise just what he had when it's gone.
Keep safe and good luck. x
In my mind, I know all that you're saying. But it's so hard to pull the plug.
Abusers are usually... uhm... abusive. I mean, it comes through their personality. He used to be the nice guy, the kind to stop and help someone change the tire on the highway. The kind to put incoming students in our living room until they find an apartment. Part of the appeal was that I like going out of my way to help people, and with him I could do that. We talked about foster parenting... All this crap is so much not like him. He was known to yell sometimes (it's part of our ethnic background), but it was never a problem for me before. I really think he's sick, and if he got treatment, he would be better.