This was probably the earliest "red flag" that I did not immediately recognize as abusive. At first, I thought that she was simply trying to help me become a better person. I didn't see it as a disrespect to who I was or the things I liked to do.

So who am I?

I paint
I write poetry
I garden
I cook
I like to do house and auto repair, build things, and fix things
I like to find bargains at thrift stores and yard sales
I like bike rides around the city and hiking
I like science, meaningful conversations, and hanging out with good friends
I like to watch sports

LOL. That reads like a weird facebook profile. But, with the exception of the cooking, she found a way to insult or somehow make me feel less excited about everything on that list at least once during the relationship. I don't know why, those all seem like positive things to me.

I'm Phoebe.

I love television shows (One Tree Hill, Supernatural, Gossip Girl, Once Upon a Time, and some others--okay, a lot of others. :p).

I'm a writer (although lately, I haven't written much of anything). I love to make up stories, and hopefully write scripts for television series.

I'm big on unconditional love, and advocacy. I advocate healthier love, healthier mind-sets about life and people, and conflicts and how to deal with them and communicate efficiently and such. I'm big on human services, love psychology and all that. I love helping those in need.

I love being on tumblr. Being online, talking to my network of friends, and just generally enjoying their company.

I love sunshine. Going outside, sitting in the grass, and just feeling a breeze. Those moments give me such peace.

My ex enjoyed doing things with me, and didn't really directly force me out of doing things I loved, but the trauma really stopped me from being myself. And he did stop me doing things in the sense that his abuse (and satisfying his needs/wants) always took up most of the days, leaving little room for me and my wants/needs.

Great post, dear. =)

Wow, this is so hard! I completely forget what I like and what I like to do! I spent so much trying to make him happy and just keep it together, that I don't remember!

I love to go to the beach (he hated sand)
I love to go to the movies (he hated sitting near people)
I like to go to the gym (he hated that I would go so I stopped)
I like to read (I wasn't paying attention to him)

I'm not sure what else I like to do yet. For many years now, I've been going to work, taking care of kids and trying not to make him angry. I have to figure who I am again. I really did lose myself.

First of all, I have to say azkevin, you sound like the perfect man.
Other than gardening (I like viewing a nice garden, though) I love everything on your list , too. Although I am not a great sports fan, I can deal with watching sports on TV. Especially hockey or bowling. :-)

I used to be a creative person. I have a degree in the arts. He ridiculed my ideas and things that I did. So little by little I stopped being creative. I am starting to reclaim my creativity, but it is difficult because I still am living with Mr. Negativity.

I used to like science and loved science magazines and books. I have a degree in mathematics, also. He ridiculed that, and so I stopped reading them.

I like running and belong to a running club. I recommend this for anyone who thinks that they might like to give running a try. The people I have met at running club are all fantastic and encouraging and positive. That is why I keep going. It also gives you a sense of accomplishment when you set a goal and do it. I will be running my 3rd 10K race next month. I am really slow and I will probably be last, but at least I can say that I did it.

I think we all also miss having moments to ourselves where we can be at peace. Eventually, even that is taken from us.

L4S

That was one of the things i first realized when the relationship stopped. I didnt know who i was. I didnt know what i liked. For almost two years I devoted my life to him. To making him happy, doing everything he wanted. Never ever thinking about myself. So when i didnt have him i felt like i had nothing. I had no one. For once in my life i am totally concentrating on me. I have started doing a lot of spiritual stuff, and taking guitar lessons. Every day i learn more about my likes and dislikes and I become stronger every day.

Thanks for the compliment, L4S, but I am far from perfect. My life right now is a bunch of unfinished projects that tend to be in the way :) But we shouldn't expect our partners to be perfect - that is what our abusers expected! Having common interests is nice, but not a requirement. All I want is someone who respects what I like to do, and who I can respect what she likes to do. If we don't like to do the same things, oh well, I don't expect partners to be exactly alike. My only expectation for future relationships is that her hobbies and interests are construtive and are not hurtful towards me or our relationship.

I am a writer, but have been told i am not talented and shouldn't waste my time with it.

I want to change the world. I launched a website to enable people to engage in positive choices and actions that make a difference, but I have been told that i tried that and failed and should give up.

I love singing and took singing lessons, but I have been told that my singing teacher is a fat and bitter bitch, and if i keep taking lessons i'll end up just like her.

I found great spiritual and physical strength in pilates and yoga practice, but I have been told that it is not really exercise and i will always be fat anyways.

I love watching basketball, but I have been told that the announcers are irritating and don't watch it anymore.

I enjoy seeing live music and attending community events, but i am responsible for putting my son to sleep every night, and most of his care, so am unable to go out.

I used to make documentaries and short films, but I have been told that I also failed at that and should stop trying.

I love living in vibrant, connected neighbouhoods, but moved in with my abuser to his suburban apartment and I have been told that the city is dangerous and dirty and not a good place to live.

Right now I run a web development company, cook and clean, take care of my son, and do virtually nothing that i enjoy (except for the mom part). It feels like my life is not my own anymore.

Great post, great question to think about.

My ex also discouraged me from being the best I could with school and what not.
I am Loren. My hobbies are:
-horseback riding
-design, web design, programming
-reading
-playing with my dogs
-swinging
-running/walking
-swimming/tennis

I am a musician.
I have a degree in music and taught music 10 years before he wore me down, telling me how silly it was that I had a hobby instead of a career.
I quit being me for 3 full years. No playing music, no church music, no teaching music. UGH. I became depressed
After I left I started teaching and playing again and it's amazing.

Great post, Joanies.

I'm not sure I ever really knew who I was, because all my life I've been told who I am, what I like, how I feel, how I think.

I took up photography for a while. My family told me it was stupid and takes no talent - any idiot can take a good photo if they have a decent camera. Then a succession of relationships where I was told that every photo I liked was nowhere near as good as the one THEY had taken. Slowly I gave up. I'm thinking of getting a good camera again ... maybe next week when I go overseas ... :-)

I never cooked, because I couldn't. My mother was a good cook, I wasn't really even allowed in the kitchen. Then when I moved out, the food I cooked was boring, or just not very good. Now I have a 4 yr old son so can't go out to eat with friends so easily, so I have dinner parties at my home - and regularly get great compliments on my cooking.

Horse riding is another one I gave up after a succession of men telling me it was boring, painful, whatever. I plan to go riding again while I am on my vacation in the next few weeks.

Writing. Well, I can't write. I have no ability to express myself. My turns of phrase are clunky and dull at best, ambiguous and hard to understand at worst. I'm not funny or witty or clever or ... worthwhile. And yet, I write for a living and have been many MANY times complimented on it. I write here, nearly every day, and people seem somehow to manage understanding what I am trying in my oh so clumsy way to say. :-)

So many other things I had to give up or not attempt, because I just was no good. Well, now I'm me. I do things I'm not good at because I enjoy them; I'm finding talents I never knew I had; I don't do things I don't want to do (well, other than necessities like housework and grocery shopping ... now if only I could avoid those too ...).

In my 40s, I'm finally finding me for the very first time. And I'm liking it a whole lot better than constantly trying to fit others' views of who I should be.

You know, one thing I was really startin to feel and realize while I was with my ex was that I wasn't really being me or doing what I really wanted to do or experience. He didn't seem to be interested in the same things at all and I was doing what pleased him. He had no passion for beauty or nature or animals like me.

I'm interested in all teachings on spirituality, ancient cultures, religion, mysteries and the like. I'm artistic and creative but that has been shut down for a long time. I like poetry. I love blues music. I wanna get back to learnin songs on the keyboard and I can play pretty good already.

I like reading scary books. I used to want to be a writer of fiction. I want to go back to college. I love college and learning stuff. I'm young at heart and free-spirited and like to be adventurous and go camping and hiking and do stuff like climb trees and be goofy.

I'm really interested in astronomy, astrology, new age philosophies, and the medievil times. I really haven't had any hobbies for a long time or really enjoyed myself with anything. I would like to start and find myself again.

As for just some likes... well, I like beef jerky, camp fires, candles, castles, watching boxing, ice-skating, roseanne reruns, elephants, black panthers, wolves, mangoes, haunted houses, psychic phenomena, Ellen, classic rock, and planting flowers and watching them grow...... It's good to think of these things. Gettin to remember who I am. thanks, hugs

My hobby and what I loved to do all my life was Play Hockey. I played a lot f Hockey. had very good talent but no support. ( wonder why ) I love lots of different things though. i have found in sobriety. I love fixing cars reading going to school helping people cooking
In relationships i have learned never to lose sight of what I love and i do not sacrifice what I love for my partners interests so that I can make her happy. I had a lot of fights with my girl over me playing hockey and how I loved it more than her. Not true but when your accused of it and you have no defence it felt terrible. Of course I loved to play and watch but I dd not love it more than her.

Hopefully Ill heal here. Our relationship was very toxic as they say. I just ended it this past week, sadly I really loved her and still do but I have learned to love myself first and formost and when it gets abusive i leave and trust me she was the girl of my dreams very hard to let her go

I have lost myself as well in trying so hard to go along and avoid conflict, up the standards and be whoever I needed to be at the time I was with my abuser.
I know that when I am alone, I take solace in my music and I enjoy about every type from Classical to Blues.
I write poetry when I feel the passion to, and I also like to read poetry and quotations.
I love to read and learn. I used to sketch quite a bit and was a pretty good artist, but again, I lost myself.
I have honestly gotten so good at being alone that social activities are not on my list, but I roller skate decent, I like to go to places like parks and zoos with lots of space and not big crowds as I adore animals.
I see so many unique, interesting, soulful and intelligent people just in what I read on this post. I have to wonder if the abusers are perhaps in an odd way jealous of our light, of our abilty to enjoy life when they are not bringing us down, and at our ability to honestly care for and love people just because..not to manipulate, control or hurt them.
Anyway, just a thought...

Since i've been out my I have developed several new interests and hobbies, 60's noir, reading alternative theories on the earth and human origins, philosophy and spirituality, and law mostly pertaining to human rights.
Being out I feel free enough to pursue new things/intersts without worrying about being told or having it insinuated that i'm too dumb to comprehend them.

That was me as a very young child when my mom moved me from school to school. I wanted so badly to be accepted and to not feel alone like I did at home.

Anyway:
I like to:
knit/crochet
write
draw and paint (really need to do this more but it is hard with little ones)
read
watch tv
go to places I have never been to