Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I don't even know where to begin. The last couple of days have my head spinning. Sorry for the long post.
My husband told me Monday night that he has learned from reading positive thinking articles, etc. that he is no longer going to apologize for what he did and that he just wants to move forward being positive and not focus on the past. He said he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be able to forgive and see that he is changing. I told him that it is much harder for me to take that approach as I am the one who feels like the core of my being has been destroyed by him. He then made a comment about my anti-depressant medication (that i believe I am on because of him) and mentioned that I should not be on it or something to that extent. To be honest my head is so confused I can't remember exactly what it was he said but it was along these lines.
Tuesday he called me at work and he seemed to be a little of his old "abusive" self telling me that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage, that I needed to stop shifting blame and brought up my medication again. All the while he seemed to be flipping back and forth between being "good" and being his "abusive" self. When he talks he tries to come across as if he is concerned about me and my happiness but then says the things he does.
He apparently called my mom yesterday (who has been upset with him since this weekends events) and apparently she let him have it. She told him that he needs to see a therapist for himself not just the marriage, that she was mad that he kept me from them for so many years, yadda yadda yadda. My mom told me he was giving her excuses such as we can't afford more therapy, etc. etc. When I got home he told me about the call with my mom, said it was weird and that he does want to see a counselor.
I have been thinking a lot and I made the decision that I was going to leave because I just feel more confident and better when I'm not around him and I want to not feel crazy anymore.
I sat down with him last night and told him that I can not do this anymore that I don't want this marriage. He was very calm and collected and did cry a little. He said that he doesn't want this but wants me to be happy, but then asked why I could not give it more time. I told him how I have been feeling. I told him that I can't forgive him, that I don't respect him, that I resent him for how he made me feel. He mentioned something about how sorry he is for being so critical of me and that he never meant to control me and never kept me from my family. I told him that he did, although he never came right out and told me I couldn't see my family he always made me feel guitly about it. He said he feels terrible and didn't realize he did that and that was not his intent.
He then started talking/crying about how he can't imagine not being with his kids every night, he is going to miss out on half of their life as I would be. He asked me to please give it more time so he can show me he has changed. He kept saying how everything he has read says this type of chrisis (where a wife falls out of love) is normal and it does change and marriages are even stronger for it later.
I was emotionless, I told him that I wanted to get out before I began to hate him because every nice thing he does annoys me. I told him that when I am with him my core feels off balance but when I'm not with him I feel in control of my life. He again repeated that he wants me to be happy. He then started talking about if we did go down the path of splitting he knows we would be cordial and we built everything together and everything would be split 50/50. To be honest I thought about that only because everyone else made mention of it, but it was not what I thought about when thinking about leaving the marriage. He began going down the list of things such as:
*He paid for my tummy tuck (that I did because of how he made me feel)
*His mom gave us money when we first got married that we would half to pay her back
*All of our retirement funds, etc. would need to be split in half
*He started talking about how our taxes would go up not being married
*He talked about how much of his company stock he sold to pay bills but that i did not touch my 401k account
*He mentioned how expensive it would be to be on our own
He then began talking about how I gave up a year ago and we still managed to stay together and why couldn't it still be that way. I told him why. He said he wants me to talk to my therapist first before I do anything.
He said we can just live, almost as if to elude to living separate lives but live together (for the kids). He never yells or raises his voice (he never did), he was very calm and I don't know why but at the moment it made sense to me, what?! Did I really just say that? He then told me that he is not looking for anyone and I told him I am not looking for anyone and he said that it is not ok to go out and have physical or emotionally connection with anyone else. He said that we (I took that as he) has physical needs and that we can have sex and it only be physical and not have anything emotional attached to it. What?! Part of me was insulted by that.
So......... Here I am now more confused then ever. He is acting like he is changed, I can't tell if he has. I don't know what to think about all that we talked about. My head is completely confused. I don't know if he is sincere or not. I don't know if these are mind games because he seems so sincere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.
Why me?!!!! :(
My husband told me Monday night that he has learned from reading positive thinking articles, etc. that he is no longer going to apologize for what he did and that he just wants to move forward being positive and not focus on the past. He said he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be able to forgive and see that he is changing. I told him that it is much harder for me to take that approach as I am the one who feels like the core of my being has been destroyed by him. He then made a comment about my anti-depressant medication (that i believe I am on because of him) and mentioned that I should not be on it or something to that extent. To be honest my head is so confused I can't remember exactly what it was he said but it was along these lines.
Tuesday he called me at work and he seemed to be a little of his old "abusive" self telling me that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage, that I needed to stop shifting blame and brought up my medication again. All the while he seemed to be flipping back and forth between being "good" and being his "abusive" self. When he talks he tries to come across as if he is concerned about me and my happiness but then says the things he does.
He apparently called my mom yesterday (who has been upset with him since this weekends events) and apparently she let him have it. She told him that he needs to see a therapist for himself not just the marriage, that she was mad that he kept me from them for so many years, yadda yadda yadda. My mom told me he was giving her excuses such as we can't afford more therapy, etc. etc. When I got home he told me about the call with my mom, said it was weird and that he does want to see a counselor.
I have been thinking a lot and I made the decision that I was going to leave because I just feel more confident and better when I'm not around him and I want to not feel crazy anymore.
I sat down with him last night and told him that I can not do this anymore that I don't want this marriage. He was very calm and collected and did cry a little. He said that he doesn't want this but wants me to be happy, but then asked why I could not give it more time. I told him how I have been feeling. I told him that I can't forgive him, that I don't respect him, that I resent him for how he made me feel. He mentioned something about how sorry he is for being so critical of me and that he never meant to control me and never kept me from my family. I told him that he did, although he never came right out and told me I couldn't see my family he always made me feel guitly about it. He said he feels terrible and didn't realize he did that and that was not his intent.
He then started talking/crying about how he can't imagine not being with his kids every night, he is going to miss out on half of their life as I would be. He asked me to please give it more time so he can show me he has changed. He kept saying how everything he has read says this type of chrisis (where a wife falls out of love) is normal and it does change and marriages are even stronger for it later.
I was emotionless, I told him that I wanted to get out before I began to hate him because every nice thing he does annoys me. I told him that when I am with him my core feels off balance but when I'm not with him I feel in control of my life. He again repeated that he wants me to be happy. He then started talking about if we did go down the path of splitting he knows we would be cordial and we built everything together and everything would be split 50/50. To be honest I thought about that only because everyone else made mention of it, but it was not what I thought about when thinking about leaving the marriage. He began going down the list of things such as:
*He paid for my tummy tuck (that I did because of how he made me feel)
*His mom gave us money when we first got married that we would half to pay her back
*All of our retirement funds, etc. would need to be split in half
*He started talking about how our taxes would go up not being married
*He talked about how much of his company stock he sold to pay bills but that i did not touch my 401k account
*He mentioned how expensive it would be to be on our own
He then began talking about how I gave up a year ago and we still managed to stay together and why couldn't it still be that way. I told him why. He said he wants me to talk to my therapist first before I do anything.
He said we can just live, almost as if to elude to living separate lives but live together (for the kids). He never yells or raises his voice (he never did), he was very calm and I don't know why but at the moment it made sense to me, what?! Did I really just say that? He then told me that he is not looking for anyone and I told him I am not looking for anyone and he said that it is not ok to go out and have physical or emotionally connection with anyone else. He said that we (I took that as he) has physical needs and that we can have sex and it only be physical and not have anything emotional attached to it. What?! Part of me was insulted by that.
So......... Here I am now more confused then ever. He is acting like he is changed, I can't tell if he has. I don't know what to think about all that we talked about. My head is completely confused. I don't know if he is sincere or not. I don't know if these are mind games because he seems so sincere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.
Why me?!!!! :(
I know that when you sit back and look at it objectively it feels like it really shouldn't be hard. It's a no-brainer right? So there must be something wrong with you if you're finding it hard. You sit there, you read our comments, we make so much sense - it's not hard for us, it's only hard for you. So it must be something wrong with you.
It's not. It is or was REALLY hard for us too. It's just that it's always so much easier from the outside. Plus, many of us commenting here have been out a while, so it's easier again because we have more distance from it. I can promise you that it was every bit as hard for me. I was also confused, couldn't even work out which way was up most of the time, much less work out the truth about my then husband and our relationship and what he really meant, what he really wanted, what he was really prepared to do ....
But ... that's the problem. It's all about him. "He's" being nice right now, "he's" telling you this that or the other, you are wondering what "he" is thinking, what "he" wants, what "he" is prepared to do. It's time to take it back to you and work out what YOU are thinking, what YOU want and what YOU are prepared to do or accept. It's your life, not ours and not his. It doesn't matter what he tells you is acceptable (eg the "just sex" marriage), what matters is what YOU find acceptable.
Trust yourself. And again, know that you are finding this hard because it IS hard. It is or was hard for all of us.