Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I don't even know where to begin. The last couple of days have my head spinning. Sorry for the long post.
My husband told me Monday night that he has learned from reading positive thinking articles, etc. that he is no longer going to apologize for what he did and that he just wants to move forward being positive and not focus on the past. He said he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be able to forgive and see that he is changing. I told him that it is much harder for me to take that approach as I am the one who feels like the core of my being has been destroyed by him. He then made a comment about my anti-depressant medication (that i believe I am on because of him) and mentioned that I should not be on it or something to that extent. To be honest my head is so confused I can't remember exactly what it was he said but it was along these lines.
Tuesday he called me at work and he seemed to be a little of his old "abusive" self telling me that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage, that I needed to stop shifting blame and brought up my medication again. All the while he seemed to be flipping back and forth between being "good" and being his "abusive" self. When he talks he tries to come across as if he is concerned about me and my happiness but then says the things he does.
He apparently called my mom yesterday (who has been upset with him since this weekends events) and apparently she let him have it. She told him that he needs to see a therapist for himself not just the marriage, that she was mad that he kept me from them for so many years, yadda yadda yadda. My mom told me he was giving her excuses such as we can't afford more therapy, etc. etc. When I got home he told me about the call with my mom, said it was weird and that he does want to see a counselor.
I have been thinking a lot and I made the decision that I was going to leave because I just feel more confident and better when I'm not around him and I want to not feel crazy anymore.
I sat down with him last night and told him that I can not do this anymore that I don't want this marriage. He was very calm and collected and did cry a little. He said that he doesn't want this but wants me to be happy, but then asked why I could not give it more time. I told him how I have been feeling. I told him that I can't forgive him, that I don't respect him, that I resent him for how he made me feel. He mentioned something about how sorry he is for being so critical of me and that he never meant to control me and never kept me from my family. I told him that he did, although he never came right out and told me I couldn't see my family he always made me feel guitly about it. He said he feels terrible and didn't realize he did that and that was not his intent.
He then started talking/crying about how he can't imagine not being with his kids every night, he is going to miss out on half of their life as I would be. He asked me to please give it more time so he can show me he has changed. He kept saying how everything he has read says this type of chrisis (where a wife falls out of love) is normal and it does change and marriages are even stronger for it later.
I was emotionless, I told him that I wanted to get out before I began to hate him because every nice thing he does annoys me. I told him that when I am with him my core feels off balance but when I'm not with him I feel in control of my life. He again repeated that he wants me to be happy. He then started talking about if we did go down the path of splitting he knows we would be cordial and we built everything together and everything would be split 50/50. To be honest I thought about that only because everyone else made mention of it, but it was not what I thought about when thinking about leaving the marriage. He began going down the list of things such as:
*He paid for my tummy tuck (that I did because of how he made me feel)
*His mom gave us money when we first got married that we would half to pay her back
*All of our retirement funds, etc. would need to be split in half
*He started talking about how our taxes would go up not being married
*He talked about how much of his company stock he sold to pay bills but that i did not touch my 401k account
*He mentioned how expensive it would be to be on our own
He then began talking about how I gave up a year ago and we still managed to stay together and why couldn't it still be that way. I told him why. He said he wants me to talk to my therapist first before I do anything.
He said we can just live, almost as if to elude to living separate lives but live together (for the kids). He never yells or raises his voice (he never did), he was very calm and I don't know why but at the moment it made sense to me, what?! Did I really just say that? He then told me that he is not looking for anyone and I told him I am not looking for anyone and he said that it is not ok to go out and have physical or emotionally connection with anyone else. He said that we (I took that as he) has physical needs and that we can have sex and it only be physical and not have anything emotional attached to it. What?! Part of me was insulted by that.
So......... Here I am now more confused then ever. He is acting like he is changed, I can't tell if he has. I don't know what to think about all that we talked about. My head is completely confused. I don't know if he is sincere or not. I don't know if these are mind games because he seems so sincere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.
Why me?!!!! :(
My husband told me Monday night that he has learned from reading positive thinking articles, etc. that he is no longer going to apologize for what he did and that he just wants to move forward being positive and not focus on the past. He said he wants me to be happy, he wants me to be able to forgive and see that he is changing. I told him that it is much harder for me to take that approach as I am the one who feels like the core of my being has been destroyed by him. He then made a comment about my anti-depressant medication (that i believe I am on because of him) and mentioned that I should not be on it or something to that extent. To be honest my head is so confused I can't remember exactly what it was he said but it was along these lines.
Tuesday he called me at work and he seemed to be a little of his old "abusive" self telling me that it does not matter who did worse in the marriage, that I needed to stop shifting blame and brought up my medication again. All the while he seemed to be flipping back and forth between being "good" and being his "abusive" self. When he talks he tries to come across as if he is concerned about me and my happiness but then says the things he does.
He apparently called my mom yesterday (who has been upset with him since this weekends events) and apparently she let him have it. She told him that he needs to see a therapist for himself not just the marriage, that she was mad that he kept me from them for so many years, yadda yadda yadda. My mom told me he was giving her excuses such as we can't afford more therapy, etc. etc. When I got home he told me about the call with my mom, said it was weird and that he does want to see a counselor.
I have been thinking a lot and I made the decision that I was going to leave because I just feel more confident and better when I'm not around him and I want to not feel crazy anymore.
I sat down with him last night and told him that I can not do this anymore that I don't want this marriage. He was very calm and collected and did cry a little. He said that he doesn't want this but wants me to be happy, but then asked why I could not give it more time. I told him how I have been feeling. I told him that I can't forgive him, that I don't respect him, that I resent him for how he made me feel. He mentioned something about how sorry he is for being so critical of me and that he never meant to control me and never kept me from my family. I told him that he did, although he never came right out and told me I couldn't see my family he always made me feel guitly about it. He said he feels terrible and didn't realize he did that and that was not his intent.
He then started talking/crying about how he can't imagine not being with his kids every night, he is going to miss out on half of their life as I would be. He asked me to please give it more time so he can show me he has changed. He kept saying how everything he has read says this type of chrisis (where a wife falls out of love) is normal and it does change and marriages are even stronger for it later.
I was emotionless, I told him that I wanted to get out before I began to hate him because every nice thing he does annoys me. I told him that when I am with him my core feels off balance but when I'm not with him I feel in control of my life. He again repeated that he wants me to be happy. He then started talking about if we did go down the path of splitting he knows we would be cordial and we built everything together and everything would be split 50/50. To be honest I thought about that only because everyone else made mention of it, but it was not what I thought about when thinking about leaving the marriage. He began going down the list of things such as:
*He paid for my tummy tuck (that I did because of how he made me feel)
*His mom gave us money when we first got married that we would half to pay her back
*All of our retirement funds, etc. would need to be split in half
*He started talking about how our taxes would go up not being married
*He talked about how much of his company stock he sold to pay bills but that i did not touch my 401k account
*He mentioned how expensive it would be to be on our own
He then began talking about how I gave up a year ago and we still managed to stay together and why couldn't it still be that way. I told him why. He said he wants me to talk to my therapist first before I do anything.
He said we can just live, almost as if to elude to living separate lives but live together (for the kids). He never yells or raises his voice (he never did), he was very calm and I don't know why but at the moment it made sense to me, what?! Did I really just say that? He then told me that he is not looking for anyone and I told him I am not looking for anyone and he said that it is not ok to go out and have physical or emotionally connection with anyone else. He said that we (I took that as he) has physical needs and that we can have sex and it only be physical and not have anything emotional attached to it. What?! Part of me was insulted by that.
So......... Here I am now more confused then ever. He is acting like he is changed, I can't tell if he has. I don't know what to think about all that we talked about. My head is completely confused. I don't know if he is sincere or not. I don't know if these are mind games because he seems so sincere. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to think.
Why me?!!!! :(
I want to point out that I have a friend who is currently living with her ex for the sake of the kids. She is MISERABLE! She hates it. He is abusive towards her still to this day. Sure they sleep in different room and they DO NOT have sex, but he still treats her badly.
Please stay strong, get out while you are strong.
HUGS!!
It is like talking to a completely crazy person. you have to remind yourself: you are the sane person. He is not. He is trying to "sell" staying with him. It may be more expensive. It may be tumultuous at first. But I promise to you that your life will improve greatly once you leave your abuser, once you are able to replace the negative voice in your head with a positive one.
My ex wanted me to continue living with him. He wanted me to live in misery for another year before we divorced. I was so disgusted that I pushed to get my divorce in three short months, one of the few benefits of the state in which I live.
Therapy will never work for him. But I hope you continue therapy for yourself. It will help you through the transition.
Don't feel sorry for him. Turn all your empathy onto yourself and your kids. That is where it belongs. Then , consider detaching emotionally (as you have already done to some extent) and getting angry. I found that anger was a more helpful emotion than despair as it helped remind me that I was wronged by someone who promised to love and cherish me. It is the ultimate betrayal.
Abusers never change. Do some research. Poke around the Internet. They are scary people who try to disguise themselves as "normal".
Listen to your gut. Surround yourself with family and friends who love YOU and know your story. Think hard about what you want to do and where you want to go. He cannot change, but you can.
Sending you hugs for better days ahead, hon. I know exactly how you feel and have been where you are.
He has not learned anything from those articles. Those articles do not know he is abusive! It is just a way to keep his victim! He is using what the aritcle says to manipulate you into staying. He is using it as leverage not to help himself! Your instincts are very correct and he is just discounting you which is another abusive tactic to keep control.
Then you said: "He is acting like he is changed, I can't tell if he has. I don't know what to think about all that we talked about. My head is completely confused."
OK you can't tell if he has changed because he hasn't changed!! You are dealing with a lot of self-doubt that comes from being abused so do not second guess your gut on all of these things!
Many times they just say they want help but never really intend to get help they do exactly as yours is doing right now and shift the blame for all the problems and bad feelings on to you and they will do it any way they can so they do not lose you "The victim" He does not want help he just doesn't want to lose his victim. I think your mind is thinking very clearly even though what he does is confusing as hell. But that is how they operate. Many things he is doing my ex has done and still does because I have been letting him talk to me (yet I am not in a relationship with him as of now) but even just letting him contact me has turned into a similar situation as what you are mentioning right now. I have had 4 therapists and 2 psychiatrists tell me it is not me "it is him!" WE need to be able to believe that to save ourselves. I am believing it more and more. I think you should leave and tell him if he wants to make changes for the better he can do it while you are seperated but you won't believe it until you see it. They don't change! If you leave he most likely won't even go to therapy and if he does it will be extremely short lived. He might go 1 to 3 times then stop with the attitude he doesn't like them and they aren't helping him. Its because he is not trying to change. Mine says he will get help but has failed to make an appt for a month already. IN that same time I have had 4 group therapy's, 2 psychiatric appt's, and 1 counseling session and another scheduled for monday at the hospital. Do you see the difference in the abuser vs the victim? We really do want help because we are miserable. The only thing that is bothering them is that they might lose their victim if we get help. For example his comments on you not needing your medications and blaming the situation on your medication. Ok so like if that was true you would not have had to get on the medication in the first place because you would not be having all this depressiona nd anxiety!! I experience the same so I do know how you feel being taken down by this abusive person. I say at least seperate and see how you feel. See him squrim!!
sending hugs
He's pulling this "what's best for the kids" card to use as a tool to secretly get what's best for him!
He doesn't give a damn about the welfare of those children because he treats their mother like crap!
All u need to remember is this from now on " he's selfish"
Everything he says and does will all be illusions to aid him in getting exactly what he wants!
Even this 50/50 split is BS!
Don't fall for it, get yourself a lawyer and fight for what u can for your kids because anything he takes away from u he takes away from those children !
Document everything, if he does anything from now on that is harassment or considered against the law u must report it, it will help you regarding separation !
Follow your gut as its telling u to end the relationship!
SINCERELY TERRIFIED
of LOSING HIS VICTIM.
He is TOTALLY SINCERE
about wanting to
keep you in a place
of TOTAL CONFUSION.
He is who he is.
He is a
TEXTBOOK ABUSER.
The more you talk to him,
the more he will
spin you like a top.
And that is his intent.
Because as long as
he can confuse you,
he can abuse you.
He called me this afternoon to tell me he is making an appointment with a counselor, he said he has things he needs to work out in relation to what has happened. Can this really be? Is this just another ploy or tactic? What if he goes?
During the conversation he began asking me if I knew the difference between a Licensed Medical Counselor and a Psychologist is and I told him I think just a little more schooling but I am not sure. I asked if he looked it up and he said "not yet", which is odd to me because he researches everything, but I have not heard much about him researching emotional abuse, what is does to the victim, etc. He then said over and over that I have the choice to do what I want and that I have to be comfortable but it was his opinion that seeing a psychologist is better then seeing a therapist and that I might want to think about that or maybe even go to both to see what I thought. But right away came back with, "I'm just saying, but you have to be comfortable".
THANK YOU for listening to me. I pray I will get it the strength soon! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!
Yes. . . . it is
another tactic.
If he ever goes,
he will attempt to
MANIPULATE
the counselor.
If they're not familiar
with emotional abusers,
he could succeed.
The term
"Licensed Medical Counselor"
is not one that
anyone uses.
Sometimes they use
Licensed Mental Health Counselor.
In general,
counselors.
whatever their approach
or level of education,
tend to use talk therapy.
Therapists, in general,
might use other methods
in addition to talk therapy.
He is NOT for real.
He is NOT
changing into someone
who's not abusive.
He's maligning your
"therapist" to
malign your therapy.
As long as he can talk to you
he can confuse you.
As long as he can
confuse you,
he can abuse you.
And an abuser
is nothing
without
a victim
to abuse.
Please take care
around your
Pied Piper.
Trust your gut, it's the only solid foundation when you are in the quicksand of emotional abuse.
The thing of not wanting to apologise for the past any more but just forget about it, well that's like if he crashed the car, then said "oh well, I'm not going to get it fixed, I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen, and that way the dings and scrapes will magically disappear". Same with his "solution" of "well you've lived in misery for the last year, why not just stick with that? It didn't bother me, so as long as you continue to fulfill my sexual needs and have no life outside of me, then that's good enough for me".
If you haven't already, do start doing Ilene's index card exercise. Another place to look, which might help you to see just how textbook all of this is, is www.youarenotcrazy.com
Confusion is a symptom, not a weakness.
I am going to start counseling so I can trust those instincts like the ones you describe. Best to you!
Praying for strength. I hate that just when I think I have it all figured out and I'm strong, the next minute I'm second guessing myself. And to be honest, him being on his best behavior and going to a counselor has me going batty. :(