Sweet,

I'm not going to kick you...you've had enough of that with your husband. The stories you have shared about him indicate his is a horribly selfish and mean monster.

I can't tell you what to do...but if you were a IRL friend of mine, I would implore you to leave for the kids' sake as well as your own.

And, no, despite hoping he might "amicably" split with you...I don't see that as a remote possibility, Everything I've read and heard from others, he is not going to cooperate...he is going to escalate his bad behavior.

I feel for you. This is probably one of the hardest decision you will ever have to make. I hope you make the best one for your family.

XOXO

Sweet, I so know how you feel. In fact I wrote a post a while back and I think it had the exact title yours does. . .wavering. I think this happens a lot, and it's because of that "honeymoon" thing they do. They start acting half decent and we start questioning all of our resolve to get them out of our lives. It's been said a lot on here, that abusers can sense when we start to pull away emotionally, or become a little stronger in our own selves, and they react. One of the ways they react, in the case of yours, is to start being "nice". It does make it much harder to leave, or to feel certain that leaving is the right or best thing to do for ourselves.

You are not stupid, and many abuse victims feel "crazy" at one point or another due to all the manipulations and crazy-making tactics being played on them. I've been in a state of wavering for 3 months. It hasn't been fun. However I've continued to follow my plan for getting out all along even though my emotions waver. I have nothing to lose, if I do all this planning and he turns out to be the wonderful husband and father I always wished for, then I'll have saved a bunch of money and learned a ton about myself and how I should expect others to treat me, and we can go on about our lives (a little sarcastic here, I'm not expecting this to be the outcome).

Keep going with your plans, chances are he'll show his true self sooner or later and you'll get confirmation that yes, you do need to leave. That "best behavior" thing doesn't seem to last for too long. xx

Is his newfound decency enough to sustain a relationship?? Is it really that good or just lacking in awfulness?

PLEASE don't waiver
ok I'm not abused my relative was I've been married a very long time...
lady your young but you won't be forever...nor will you always be healthy..cherish that...I would never say trash marriage lightly but in your case I sat get out NOW before you being together ruins not only you but those kids! Please for god sake am I mistaking you aren't you the one with the burning oil gauze incident? or the no food or am I just confused?

Some good stuff already.

Firstly, quit the negative self-talk. You are not selfish, you are not stupid, there is nothing at all wrong with you and you do not need or deserve to be kicked.

Secondly, reread your old posts and/or do Ilene's index card exercise. That will help you to remember why, even if he is seeming to be a bit less of an ass at the moment (and I very much doubt he's being genuinely nice - has he paid you back all that money he cost you by lying about taking over the insurance on all his cars yet? No? Yeah, didn't think so. Has he apologised for that gauze crap he pulled yet? Oh, ok not that one either).

He's not being nice, he's just being less awful. He's not maturing, he's planning his next attack.

And remind me now what happened when you had a "rational discussion" about all those cars and why you were having to pay the insurance on them. That worked well, didn't it.

Keep on keeping on. Know that it is perfectly normal - pretty much expected - to waver. We all wavered or are wavering. They are very good at manipulation, plus we didn't get into these situations lightly. We all loved our abusers at some point, we all had dreams of long life together. And nobody wants to admit that starting from scratch is the best option. So we look for reasons why we don't have to do the hardest thing. And if we look hard enough, we can convince ourselves we found them.

Don't feel bad. You are posting stuff because you need validation right now because leaving an abuser that you have been married to for ages and have kids with is damn hard, near impossible. This is why so many abused people stay! Why so many people waffle for years! Don't be so hard on yourself. Now is not the time to hold back your feelings. Now is not the time to isolate yourself. Abusers can feel when you have had enough and then, for a while, they pretend to be everything you ever wanted them to be (or give you some hope that they are 'maturing'--haha--laughable!) until you give up your efforts and get yourself even more stuck. Don't look at his behavior now. Look at his behavior over all the years. If you need validation of the kind of husband he is, go ahead and leave him and watch him start putting way way more effort into you than you ever dreamed of--trying to crush you as a punishment for leaving. If my exH had put half of the effort into our marriage that he does in trying to punish me, it would have been completely different. There is nothing wrong with your mind. You are being manipulated by someone who matters a lot to you. It makes your brain foggy. Keep planning the disappearing act! You can do it and you will not regret it!

Thank you everybody! I spoke with my best friend last night for a long time and she reminded me what happened the few times I did try to have a rational discussion with him--some things I think we intentionally block out and these incidents seem to be one of them. God knows I don't know why my friend continues to support and encourage me, but thank God she does!! I will write later about what she has me reflecting on. I have to go to work now and one of these incidents is pretty traumatic for me so I think before I go to work is not the best time for this. I do, however, want to remember it in all its details because it is something I apparently need to remember. Thanks again!!

Sweet - everything the others have said is spot on.

Believe me, I just went thru a "wavering" moment this weekend bc my husband "let" me go out with friends for 4 hours without harassing me and he watched the kids..... As I read that, I realize there are a million things wrong with that sentence.

Our abusers offer us scraps and we jump! It's so sad and yet says so much.

It really does help to look at the whole picture, reread my posts and journals, read thru the Clarifying Index Cards ive been writing up over the last few months - its a hefty stack! You should do these things too and see how long this behavior has been going on.

Remind yourself of all the horrible things he's done. You'll get right back on track.

And don't apologize. I often feel the same way. I feel bad that I keep needing help, validation. But the truth of the matter is being with someone so long really messes with you. And having children in the mix makes things that much harder.

Stay strong. Stay on your path to an abuse free life for you and your children.

Hugs,

Not sure I can add anything
that hasn't been said already
by the previous responders.

Nevertheless, here are a
few of my thoughts:

It's normal to waver. Totally
normal.

It's normal for abusers to
cycle between abuse and
"best behavior."

It's normal to become
ambivalent about leaving
when they're in their "best
behavior" stage.

It's normal to want to believe
that their best behavior means
that maybe, now, they're beyond
being abusive. Maybe they've
seen the light. Maybe they're
more mature, if even a little.
Maybe they're more rational.
Wouldn't that be wonderful!

It's normal to want to believe
that now things will be better.

Everything about this stage
in the abuser's cycle of abuse
and the target's cycle of
planning to leave the abuse
is normal. Maybe 'typical'
is a more accurate word.

And that's why, when I was
in that situation, I developed
the Clarifying Index Card
exercise. I was doing everything
I could to stay clear, stay focused
and maintain my motivation,
including getting counseling,
joining two support groups,
talking on the phone for hours
with a good friend.

It took ALL of those strategies
together, to keep me clear and
certain about who he was and
what I needed to do. And that's
normal. In these circumstances,
it really does take a village. . . .
a community. . . . . . all the inner
and external resources we can
muster to get us over the goal
line.

You are NOT stupid.
There is NOTHING WRONG
with your mind. Evolution
has programmed our brains
to try and sustain an intimate
bond, even when that bond
may be destructive.

Please don't beat yourself up.
Please take very, VERY good
care of yourself.

Sending you hugs and
thoughts for strength
and clarity.