Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Please help! I feel like a complete idiot. I cannot stop crying over a man who broke up with me 4 years ago.
I'll try to condense the very long history:
I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years. I left my bad marriage because he promised me a better life. He was psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive throughout the relationship, but it became truly intense in the last 6 years. Mainly because, he wanted to have his own child. I am already the mother of 2 girls, who he has know since they were 4 and 6 years old. But, he never actually treated them as his own. It was imperative that he have a child of his own flesh and blood. And, he resented me for not being able to have a child and, for being in the way of him having a relationship with someone else so that he could get the child he wanted.
Making a very long story as short as I can - We discovered that I had fertility issues. Which meant IVF. When we found out that the treatment was $20K for one round and no guarantees; he took the $200K he had and purchased a house rather than at least try once. And although having a baby was the only thing that seemed to matter to him - and one try would have only cost him 10% of the cash on hand - AND we could have had a shot at the baby and a house, he chose otherwise.
In the meantime, he was beyond mean. There are no real words to describe the cruelty. The following are by no means the only things he did, but by the time he was finished with me - I looked like what he'd always call me - "An old washer woman". I left there feeling like I was worth nothing - still do. --Example - the beautiful house he purchased was a foreclosure and the kitchen had been entirely dismantled. He invited me to go with him to choose granite for the counters; all of the cabinets; appliances and fixtures. And each time there was something I thought would be nicer than another for the kitchen - the one I liked was the one he chose. The same applied to all of the furniture in the house. But when it was time to move from the apartment we shared with my youngest daughter (17 at the time) he wasn't sure if he wanted me to come live there. I was making very low wages at the time and had nowhere else to go. Finally, he decided I could join him, but he made me sleep in the basement. It was a finished basement, but the basement, nevertheless. I could only cook in the kitchen when he wasn't home. One time I cooked while he was there and he glared at me the entire time. He became angry that grease was popping out of the pan onto the stove. He told me I was ruining the kitchen and he wouldn't be able to sell the house at a profit if I kept devaluing things (like walking down the stairs too hard; closing doors in the house with too much force; slamming the toilet set down (which I never did, but he was convinced of it). In between all of this awful behavior, he would apologize and say - we're going to try again and build a family blah, blah, blah. That went on for 4 years.
Fast forward to Jan. 2011 - he's finally decided he doesn't want me around; tells me so and I move out. He stays in touch. Wants us to be friends. He initiates contact with me, not vice versa. By December 2011, he'd met someone. By May 2012, they were pregnant. I found out 4 months before the child was born because, he "accidentally" sent me a text mean for her. It read "Hey! I just thought a great name for a boy." It crushed me and I've never recovered.
Now, he has this beautiful baby girl; a very beautiful wife and they live in the beautiful house for which I chose all of the furnishings.
And I'm crying because all I can think is - I thought he was an abusive person, but the reality is that he was only mean to me. Now that he has fulfilled his life's goal - she'll never see the abusive monster with whom I lived.
Do I want her or the child to suffer? No. But, it's unbearably painful knowing that I was such an impediment to his happiness. It literally feels like he had to rid his home and life of the garbage (me) in order to fill it with things he actually wanted there and loves.
Am I crazy? Is his abuse very much a part of who he is or is he really as happy as he appears to be with his new family?
ps - He and I are in our early 50's - the new girl - just turned 30.
I'll try to condense the very long history:
I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years. I left my bad marriage because he promised me a better life. He was psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive throughout the relationship, but it became truly intense in the last 6 years. Mainly because, he wanted to have his own child. I am already the mother of 2 girls, who he has know since they were 4 and 6 years old. But, he never actually treated them as his own. It was imperative that he have a child of his own flesh and blood. And, he resented me for not being able to have a child and, for being in the way of him having a relationship with someone else so that he could get the child he wanted.
Making a very long story as short as I can - We discovered that I had fertility issues. Which meant IVF. When we found out that the treatment was $20K for one round and no guarantees; he took the $200K he had and purchased a house rather than at least try once. And although having a baby was the only thing that seemed to matter to him - and one try would have only cost him 10% of the cash on hand - AND we could have had a shot at the baby and a house, he chose otherwise.
In the meantime, he was beyond mean. There are no real words to describe the cruelty. The following are by no means the only things he did, but by the time he was finished with me - I looked like what he'd always call me - "An old washer woman". I left there feeling like I was worth nothing - still do. --Example - the beautiful house he purchased was a foreclosure and the kitchen had been entirely dismantled. He invited me to go with him to choose granite for the counters; all of the cabinets; appliances and fixtures. And each time there was something I thought would be nicer than another for the kitchen - the one I liked was the one he chose. The same applied to all of the furniture in the house. But when it was time to move from the apartment we shared with my youngest daughter (17 at the time) he wasn't sure if he wanted me to come live there. I was making very low wages at the time and had nowhere else to go. Finally, he decided I could join him, but he made me sleep in the basement. It was a finished basement, but the basement, nevertheless. I could only cook in the kitchen when he wasn't home. One time I cooked while he was there and he glared at me the entire time. He became angry that grease was popping out of the pan onto the stove. He told me I was ruining the kitchen and he wouldn't be able to sell the house at a profit if I kept devaluing things (like walking down the stairs too hard; closing doors in the house with too much force; slamming the toilet set down (which I never did, but he was convinced of it). In between all of this awful behavior, he would apologize and say - we're going to try again and build a family blah, blah, blah. That went on for 4 years.
Fast forward to Jan. 2011 - he's finally decided he doesn't want me around; tells me so and I move out. He stays in touch. Wants us to be friends. He initiates contact with me, not vice versa. By December 2011, he'd met someone. By May 2012, they were pregnant. I found out 4 months before the child was born because, he "accidentally" sent me a text mean for her. It read "Hey! I just thought a great name for a boy." It crushed me and I've never recovered.
Now, he has this beautiful baby girl; a very beautiful wife and they live in the beautiful house for which I chose all of the furnishings.
And I'm crying because all I can think is - I thought he was an abusive person, but the reality is that he was only mean to me. Now that he has fulfilled his life's goal - she'll never see the abusive monster with whom I lived.
Do I want her or the child to suffer? No. But, it's unbearably painful knowing that I was such an impediment to his happiness. It literally feels like he had to rid his home and life of the garbage (me) in order to fill it with things he actually wanted there and loves.
Am I crazy? Is his abuse very much a part of who he is or is he really as happy as he appears to be with his new family?
ps - He and I are in our early 50's - the new girl - just turned 30.
There's NO WAY
that a person with
the severity of
dysfunction that
you've described
his behavior patterns
as being. . . . . . can
parent a child to a
functional, healthy
and happy adulthood.
Whether he actively
abuses her, or she
"just" witnesses her
mother being abused,
or he "rapes" her
emotionally by
perpetrating an
inappropriate and
unhealthy emotional
enmeshment, this
poor, innocent child
has a very slim likelihood
of emerging from this
predatory lair unscathed.
I repeat what I believe
to be the case. . . . .
that you dodged a bullet.
The truth is, you never "made" him treat you badly, he chose to treat you badly. And, just like your father, he has to have someone else to blame for his behaviour. Your father blamed your mother, then you, then your mother, then even the dog. Your ex blamed you - maybe he still does, but eventually he will blame his child or his current partner or someone else or both. He has not taken any ownership of his own behaviours and probably never will. Nobody on this earth is perfect, including his daughter and current partner - they will give him what he considers sufficient cause to blame them for his behaviours too.
Always remember you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I had a baby with my ex. At home, he completely ignored the baby (to the point of serious neglect on at least one occasion, which became the catalyst to get me out), but when we were out, he was the doting father who adored his baby, who talked about the sleepless nights (he never once got up for the baby in the night), the hard work (he probably changed a nappy once or twice, beyond that I don't think he did anything at all) and the joy of just watching his beautiful baby boy (which he never did, his eyes were always glued to his computer or the tv). To the outside world, he adored his infant son. But that wasn't the reality. If I'd stayed, my poor son would eventually have learned to wonder why his father only ever adored him in public. Not to mention, once he got old enough to be defiant (as all children do to some extent) or clumsy (as all toddlers are, by definition), life would have been particularly difficult for my little boy.
Don't be fooled by the dog and pony show he is putting on right now. Make no mistake, it's a show. It's for your benefit (in order to continue the abuse of you, because an abuser needs to abuse) and probably for hers too, to get her or keep her hooked. The fact he had to send you that text about the baby name proves he's still abusive - and you did nothing at all that could have "earned" that, even if you did somehow deserve his abuse of you while you were with him. He did that just because he could, just because it gave him a sick thrill to know he can still crush you whenever he wishes. And he will continue to do so for as long as he is able. If he were truly happy and his life were going well, he wouldn't feel the need or desire to send a barb your way, you wouldn't be on his mind.
Finally, while I understand your feeling that you need to know he's abusive to her as well in order to prove to yourself that it wasn't your fault, the truth is you may never know. She may continue to keep their dirty little secret for years, maybe forever. More importantly though, you need to be able to look to yourself for validation and closure. You need to work on your own self-worth, so that you come to the place where you know without a shadow of a doubt that, no matter how he treats her or his child or anyone else, YOU didn't deserve to be treated that way. Because you didn't. Nobody does. You're not perfect, there are things about you that you could improve and things about you that will never be any better than they are now (I say this not because of who YOU are, but because these things are true of every one of us). None of those flaws makes you unlovable, none of those flaws makes you deserving of abuse. And none of those things "made" him abusive. He chose his actions, you didn't.
I don't know what tomorrow will look like, but I know that I'll make it through tonight.
Again, thank you - all!
I know you are hurting so badly and can't bear it but as Livndardrem says think of your daughter's.
I have a depressive disorder, genetic since around age 19 and have been in the deepest depressions, thankfully am now on an AD that's a miracle for me but...
3 times I have been in such a state that being awake was torture, and thought of ways to end the pain, the only thing that stopped me was thinking of my daughter, I couldn't leave her and knowing her mom took her own life.
Was literally dragged to the Dr who increased my AD and I started feeling better.
Do you have anyone you can stay with right now? Are you seeing your Dr?
I've marched right in to mine and just broke down telling her exactly how I'm feeling and she has always listened and helped.
Keep telling yourself I feel so bad right now but it can be better and I can be happy, it will just take time and this is also the time to really take such good care of yourself, it doesn't matter if you want to lie on the sofa all day (don't know if you work) or read books, you need to heal, cry if you need to, let it all out.
Our brains are so powerful and thinking can be turned around I promise you as I have done it.
Therapy is the way to go as soon as possible, don't put it off even though it may feel like the last thing you want to do.
All this rings so true to me. They are all so similar... and my ex would constantly 'accidentally' send me text messages to try to hurt or control me too.
But never, ever, ever think it was just about you. He will be abusive to anyone who he ends up with, they always are. She will see. And she will have a child with him so it will be even harder for her to escape. He'll always have power over her through that child. People like this will do anything to project the image of a perfect life to other people, if it serves them. They can also play the victims extremely well. But in this case it will make him feel powerful if you believe he's moved on to have a happy fairy tale family. I promise you it isn't the case. You did nothing wrong and you didn't deserve any of what he did to you.
I can so relate to you, but the advice here is right on...
Pale girl is right they are all so similar. First, my heart breaks for the little girl whose father messed with her head about the school bus. My father was horrible as well, and that stuff does need to be sorted out. BUT you were so smart to know it was not you...it was your father, and the same is true for this abuser.
There are many of us in similar situations to yours. I escaped my 30 plus year abusive marriage last April, and it is hard. He has found a wealthy girlfriend, who he says is crazy about him, He makes sure I know he travels now, but he has financially and emotionally almost abandoned our three kids (our youngest son is 19). My stbx has amassed the relationship, grabbed marital assets, charmed most of our friends, fellow musicians (I used to play music with them all but now feel uncomfortable), left me with bills, college for my son, etc. BUT you know what helps me? When I fall into despair I don't stay long. I say "yeah, but I won, because I don't have to live with him anymore. I get my kids, my life back, my dignity, my mind, my freedom", I would never want to go back to what I had, not one time have I felt that I want that again.Because for me, I am his target, his prey, he knows my buttons, he knows how to play me, so I am no longer gonna play. DON'T give him the power to make you think you belonged in the basement. You never did. I know what it is like to be made to feel unworthy, like trash, like you are bad. DON'T believe those lies. I found a greeting card last night that shows someone at a fork in the road. One way says "your life" and the other says "no longer an option". I want to happily anticipate my future, and feeling like a used candy wrapper thrown to the ground is no longer an option. You have a bright future too. I want it for you! ((hugs))
New post on Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed
The Great Narcissist Loves New Woman More Hoax
by Kim Saeed
Magic Hat
Of the many ordeals that victims of the almighty Narcissist face, the lamentable concern that their disordered Ex will be better for the new woman is among the top five. In spite of knowing that the Narcissist is a pathological liar, colossal cheater, all-star schmoozer, and soul- assassin, discarded victims are 100% sure that their abuser has mysteriously begun toeing the line for the new girl.
Its a miracle, by George! The Narcissist has changed! His wounded former partner sees it on Facebook and Instagram, hears about it from the Narcissist himself, and is informed by their shared circle of friends that the Narcissist has never been happier. His friends and family can barely believe their own eyes, and even the neighbors walk around with their mouths agape, wondering what it is about the Narcs new girlfriend thats incited such a divine intervention of the Narcissists wily ways.
Jeepers, if hes changed so drastically for the new woman, then
then it must mean there was something wrong with you his former partner, right? And, maybe because of this, the Narcissist was forced to find love elsewhere. And because her love is so celestial and the depth of her love so staggering, the Narcissist really has changed.
Lets pause for a moment of reflection.
No one can say that it cant happen. However the probability of it happening is zero.
In other words, I cannot guarantee that this event would never happen, but I would bet large sums of money on the fact that it wouldnt happen.
The chances that the Narcissist will change for the new woman - simultaneously falling head-over-heels in such love that its been blessed by Eros and Aphrodite themselves - are about the same as my constructing a drone for the Department of Defense to fly over Iraq, all without an instructional pamphlet.
The Narcissist is a skilled and convincing actor. After all, he fooled you into believing you were the love of his life, perhaps even his past lives. How long was he able to keep up the charade? Months? Possibly years?
Then, after his mask started slipping, he likely expected you to keep up appearances in front of everyone. Still yet, when you discovered his lies, online dating profiles, and infidelities, he convinced you that he had reasonable justifications for it all. That somehow, in spite of his love crimes, he still wanted you and was in love with you.
And so it will be with the new girl.
You see, he not only has to convince you that hes found his soul-mate and best friend in the new girl, he has to get everyone else on board, too. Its essential that you doubt your memories; distrust that what he did to you was so bad after all. He must make you and everyone within a 100-mile radius believe that you exaggerated everything and further, are delusional and unstable.
In other words, that he did no wrong and hes just an innocent man trying to find real love.
What better way to do that than to trap a new girl into his web of deception and get her to drink the Kool-Aid? Thus starts a fresh round of love-bombing, complete with vacations, church with the kids, and an engagement ring.
Voila! Presto-chango!
This crusade is one they can wage for perverse periods of time. Its important that you dont internalize this as meaning she rules and you drool. To drive the point, in the following paragraphs I offer a real-life example of a Great Hoax of a different ilk:
Yesterday, I baked a pizza for my 6-yr old. I put two slices on his plate and scurried off to my office to take care of some business matters. About forty minutes later, I went back to the living room to check on the progress of my sons lunch. He had taken a miniscule bite off of the tip of one slice. Seriously, it looked more like a mouse had taken said nibble, thats how little was bitten off.
When I inquired as to why he hadnt eaten, he looked at me with the most innocent of eyes and said hed eaten two pieces of pizza, just not the ones on his plate. After a thorough inspection of the pizza pan, kitchen, and remaining areas of our apartment, I informed him that he couldnt have eaten two slices of pizza because Id only baked one and all four slices remained.
This caused great sadness in my son because he sensed I wasnt buying into his Great Pizza Hoax. He fussed and cried, a great battle ensued, and after exhausting negotiations and a battle of wills, he surrendered and ate some of the pizza.
The Narcissist doesnt want to endure any negotiations, be suspected of wrong-doings, nor accept one molecule of accountability for his actions, thus the Great Ive Changed for the New Woman Hoax.
Dont drink the Kool-aid. Trust that hes a weasel and that the new girl will find out in due time. They always do.