Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Please help! I feel like a complete idiot. I cannot stop crying over a man who broke up with me 4 years ago.
I'll try to condense the very long history:
I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years. I left my bad marriage because he promised me a better life. He was psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive throughout the relationship, but it became truly intense in the last 6 years. Mainly because, he wanted to have his own child. I am already the mother of 2 girls, who he has know since they were 4 and 6 years old. But, he never actually treated them as his own. It was imperative that he have a child of his own flesh and blood. And, he resented me for not being able to have a child and, for being in the way of him having a relationship with someone else so that he could get the child he wanted.
Making a very long story as short as I can - We discovered that I had fertility issues. Which meant IVF. When we found out that the treatment was $20K for one round and no guarantees; he took the $200K he had and purchased a house rather than at least try once. And although having a baby was the only thing that seemed to matter to him - and one try would have only cost him 10% of the cash on hand - AND we could have had a shot at the baby and a house, he chose otherwise.
In the meantime, he was beyond mean. There are no real words to describe the cruelty. The following are by no means the only things he did, but by the time he was finished with me - I looked like what he'd always call me - "An old washer woman". I left there feeling like I was worth nothing - still do. --Example - the beautiful house he purchased was a foreclosure and the kitchen had been entirely dismantled. He invited me to go with him to choose granite for the counters; all of the cabinets; appliances and fixtures. And each time there was something I thought would be nicer than another for the kitchen - the one I liked was the one he chose. The same applied to all of the furniture in the house. But when it was time to move from the apartment we shared with my youngest daughter (17 at the time) he wasn't sure if he wanted me to come live there. I was making very low wages at the time and had nowhere else to go. Finally, he decided I could join him, but he made me sleep in the basement. It was a finished basement, but the basement, nevertheless. I could only cook in the kitchen when he wasn't home. One time I cooked while he was there and he glared at me the entire time. He became angry that grease was popping out of the pan onto the stove. He told me I was ruining the kitchen and he wouldn't be able to sell the house at a profit if I kept devaluing things (like walking down the stairs too hard; closing doors in the house with too much force; slamming the toilet set down (which I never did, but he was convinced of it). In between all of this awful behavior, he would apologize and say - we're going to try again and build a family blah, blah, blah. That went on for 4 years.
Fast forward to Jan. 2011 - he's finally decided he doesn't want me around; tells me so and I move out. He stays in touch. Wants us to be friends. He initiates contact with me, not vice versa. By December 2011, he'd met someone. By May 2012, they were pregnant. I found out 4 months before the child was born because, he "accidentally" sent me a text mean for her. It read "Hey! I just thought a great name for a boy." It crushed me and I've never recovered.
Now, he has this beautiful baby girl; a very beautiful wife and they live in the beautiful house for which I chose all of the furnishings.
And I'm crying because all I can think is - I thought he was an abusive person, but the reality is that he was only mean to me. Now that he has fulfilled his life's goal - she'll never see the abusive monster with whom I lived.
Do I want her or the child to suffer? No. But, it's unbearably painful knowing that I was such an impediment to his happiness. It literally feels like he had to rid his home and life of the garbage (me) in order to fill it with things he actually wanted there and loves.
Am I crazy? Is his abuse very much a part of who he is or is he really as happy as he appears to be with his new family?
ps - He and I are in our early 50's - the new girl - just turned 30.
I'll try to condense the very long history:
I was in a relationship with a man for 17 years. I left my bad marriage because he promised me a better life. He was psychologically, emotionally and verbally abusive throughout the relationship, but it became truly intense in the last 6 years. Mainly because, he wanted to have his own child. I am already the mother of 2 girls, who he has know since they were 4 and 6 years old. But, he never actually treated them as his own. It was imperative that he have a child of his own flesh and blood. And, he resented me for not being able to have a child and, for being in the way of him having a relationship with someone else so that he could get the child he wanted.
Making a very long story as short as I can - We discovered that I had fertility issues. Which meant IVF. When we found out that the treatment was $20K for one round and no guarantees; he took the $200K he had and purchased a house rather than at least try once. And although having a baby was the only thing that seemed to matter to him - and one try would have only cost him 10% of the cash on hand - AND we could have had a shot at the baby and a house, he chose otherwise.
In the meantime, he was beyond mean. There are no real words to describe the cruelty. The following are by no means the only things he did, but by the time he was finished with me - I looked like what he'd always call me - "An old washer woman". I left there feeling like I was worth nothing - still do. --Example - the beautiful house he purchased was a foreclosure and the kitchen had been entirely dismantled. He invited me to go with him to choose granite for the counters; all of the cabinets; appliances and fixtures. And each time there was something I thought would be nicer than another for the kitchen - the one I liked was the one he chose. The same applied to all of the furniture in the house. But when it was time to move from the apartment we shared with my youngest daughter (17 at the time) he wasn't sure if he wanted me to come live there. I was making very low wages at the time and had nowhere else to go. Finally, he decided I could join him, but he made me sleep in the basement. It was a finished basement, but the basement, nevertheless. I could only cook in the kitchen when he wasn't home. One time I cooked while he was there and he glared at me the entire time. He became angry that grease was popping out of the pan onto the stove. He told me I was ruining the kitchen and he wouldn't be able to sell the house at a profit if I kept devaluing things (like walking down the stairs too hard; closing doors in the house with too much force; slamming the toilet set down (which I never did, but he was convinced of it). In between all of this awful behavior, he would apologize and say - we're going to try again and build a family blah, blah, blah. That went on for 4 years.
Fast forward to Jan. 2011 - he's finally decided he doesn't want me around; tells me so and I move out. He stays in touch. Wants us to be friends. He initiates contact with me, not vice versa. By December 2011, he'd met someone. By May 2012, they were pregnant. I found out 4 months before the child was born because, he "accidentally" sent me a text mean for her. It read "Hey! I just thought a great name for a boy." It crushed me and I've never recovered.
Now, he has this beautiful baby girl; a very beautiful wife and they live in the beautiful house for which I chose all of the furnishings.
And I'm crying because all I can think is - I thought he was an abusive person, but the reality is that he was only mean to me. Now that he has fulfilled his life's goal - she'll never see the abusive monster with whom I lived.
Do I want her or the child to suffer? No. But, it's unbearably painful knowing that I was such an impediment to his happiness. It literally feels like he had to rid his home and life of the garbage (me) in order to fill it with things he actually wanted there and loves.
Am I crazy? Is his abuse very much a part of who he is or is he really as happy as he appears to be with his new family?
ps - He and I are in our early 50's - the new girl - just turned 30.
No, you're not crazy and it sounds like you had a lucky escape, who knows what's going on behind closed doors but I can't believe this guy suddenly changed, he sounds incredibly cruel and sooner rather than later his wife is going to see it.
Even to send you that email, so cruel, an awful person.
I can imagine how terrible devastated you are, I am so sorry, these rotten guys definitely do a number on people.
I'm sure some others will be along shortly to help you, I think seeing a therapist would be a good idea, they can really help and you don't deserve to be still in such unhappiness.
I am sending you hugs and wish you well, look after yourself.
Sibi is right on when she says that we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. And, IMHO, chances of you being the only one he's abused are slim to none. My first clue was you saying that he never actually treated your girls as his own.
Second reason is how selfish and mean he is (and I haven't even finished reading your post yet. I'm just to the part that this SOB wanted a baby but wasn't willing to (literally) put his money where his mouth is AND blaming you for not being able to have one. People like that don't change over night and usually they never change.
They might act all sugary sweet in public, but I gotta say, I truly feel sorry for his baby.
I am so sorry he has treated you so horribly. You are not crazy, you were abused. Abuse can and does make us feel crazy.
Don't believe he won't be abusive with her, no matter what it looks like from the outside. Abusers make sure they look good to everyone on the outside. And they tend to follow cycles behind closed doors where they're all nicey nice and then get abusive and then go back to the honeymoon period, but that happens less and less as time goes on. And, many get worse after a baby is born.
I'm betting the new girl who is just 30 is easier to control. Abuser's always have to have a source and the more controllable the better.
I also agree w/Sibi's suggestion that you consider getting counseling. Just because you are out doesn't mean the trauma of the horrible abuse you suffered will go away over time. Chances are it won't. Therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist (one who has additional training in recovery from trauma & abuse over and above what they got in school & to get their license) is a critical part of the healing process.
Also take good care of you. Allow yourself to honor and feel your feelings w/no judgment. Write letters to him, but do NOT send them. Burn them instead. You were with him a long time and it will take a long time to heal.
~healing hugs~
One of the things he used to regularly accuse me of was slamming the toilet seat down. The sound was actually a particularly loud flush on a toilet he'd installed; which he, much later, acknowledged. However, he'd screamed at me 100 times about it by then. Anyway, one day he was screaming at me like a maniac and told me to come to the bathroom so that he could show me how to close a toilet seat properly. I asked him if he was out of his "bleeping" mind, and walked out of the house.
The next day, I picked my daughter up for a ride to work. I was relating the story to her when I asked her, "Had granddaddy ever tried to give her instructions on how to do ridiculously simple things?" She replied - "All the time. I remember once when he told to come to the bathroom, and proceeded to show me how to close the toilet seat properly." - I was speechless.
My father was an horribly, abusive man. One day, he watched me get off the school bus and walk across the street to come into the house. Once I was inside he got right in my face and said- "I'd better not ever see you do what I saw you do when you got off that bus today, again. Do you understand me? - My reply - "But what did I do?" - His response - "You'd just better not EVER do it again?" - I was already walking on eggshells. From that day on, I floated across them. But, it still didn't keep me from stirring his wrath. My father died 13 years ago. I still don't know what it is I wasn't supposed to be doing.
However, I am very clear, at this point in my life, that all of his abuse was about him. It took a long time for me to understand that I could have become the first woman President of the United States and, my father would have criticized my dress choice for the inauguration or the way I stood at the podium. It's easier for me to see that my father was abusive also, because I could see that he treated other people in my life the very same way. The only difference between me and them was that they could go home to get away from him but, he provided my home. With my ex, it's hard for me not to let my memories of the abuse get distorted by time. I remember it but, somehow I must minimize it. Otherwise, I wouldn't cry over thinking I missed out on this great, handsome guy, who I helped through law school and, who now lives in a great part of town in a house I picked out and helped furnish. Surely there's something wrong with me.
And unlike my father, I am not aware of a trail of people he's abused in the past. So, it makes me - in my abused mind - continue to be tortured with thoughts of it having just been me. If I wasn't too old to have a baby, I'd be the woman in that happy, beautiful family picture. --I know the thinking is distorted. But that's what goes on in my head.
Welcome to the forum
though I'm so sorry that
this is the place your
circumstances have
delivered you.
First and foremost
I implore you in the
strongest terms to
research and find a
highly qualified therapist
whose specialty is
recovery from abuse.
I hope you'll consider
doing this, and doing
this ASAP.
Second, please know
beyond a shadow of a
doubt that the lives of
this unfortunate,
unsuspecting woman
and her totally innocent
child are destined to be
destroyed by attachment
to this predator. Your
inability to provide him
a DNA-related copy of
himself SAVED both
your life and the life
of any offspring that
IVF procedures generated.
Finally. . . . . . please
go totally NO CONTACT.
You CAN NOT
be "friends" with
an abuser like
this one. His
intent in suggesting
it is solely to enable
him to maintain a
"back up supply"
------ someone
"off campus" to be
able to abuse when
circumstances require.
You're a known quantity.
He knows he was able
to manipulate, control
and abuse you. He's
not about to cut you
completely loose.
You're much too valuable
an asset for him to want
to do that. It's true that
he now has another
victim in tow. . . . but
an abuser can never
have too many victims.
Please cut off ALL CONTACT.
By doing so, you have a
chance (together with
good therapy) ---- to HEAL.
It's very typical that
growing up in a
dysfunctional
family-of-origin
sets us up for
awful situations
later in our lives.
Sometimes. . .
as you've seen. . . .
even the scripts
turn out to be not
merely similar but
practically identical.
Wrapping up. . . . the
abuse you experienced
at the hands of this
cruel predator
is absolutely
WHO HE IS.
You
DODGED
A BULLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please take good care
of yourself.
Sending you and your
daughters hugs and
wishes for healing
and happiness.
I know that what I'm about to ask sounds really naive and as if I have no reading comprehension skills - as you've all already stated it - but, please answer this question in plain, idiot proof, clear and simple terms:
The circumstances that evolved in our relationship were really just an excuse to express the abusive tendency that is already a part of who he is. I could have been Elizabeth Taylor or Beyonce beautiful, and he would have found some other reason to be angry and therefore abusive - correct?
And where his now wife is concerned - her beauty; her youth;her job status; the fact that she's given him a child and could potentially give him more - none of those things will protect her from his abuse. He will find something about her that will become his excuse for abusing her because, it's not the circumstances, but it is,in fact a matter of him simply being an abusive and cruel person, correct?
It is about giving your power, not about looks. Abuse occurs when there is an imbalance of power. And I think it exists in his new relationship as well. You spoke about controlling men in your past. It does sound like that to me with him. The need to be in control over a woman.
Be proud he couldn't with you.
I'm sorry. I know it seems that I'm finding any avenue to devalue myself and justify his behavior toward me. I feel like a 50+ year old idiot - so shattered.
I was discarded by my 50 year old ex who lives happily now with a 30 year old accomplished young woman. I know I will never be like her and I don't wish to be because I know she is the greatest and the most wonderful thing in his eyes and I don't measure myself by his standards anymore and he still an abusive man who has not received treatment of any sort.
What you've described here is exactly why I'm so distraught. I feel I have no value- therefore, I was abused; she has all of the value- therefore, she'll never be abused - which means:
He's not abusive. It waa my uselessness that made him angry. He'd never abuse someone (her) with value because, he's not really an abuser. It was just me that caused the behavior.
If you've gotten to a healthy place even in the face of this, I can't tell you how in awe I am of your strength. I just can't see myself getting tgere, under quite similar circumstances.
I am working on myself and getting counselling in a women's center for sexual and psychological abuse.I used to feel like you and now I know he spared me because I would have had to support him and live life the way he wanted and I was not ready for that.
Came back here to see how you're doing.
That beautiful family picture, beautiful house with the wonderful happy wife and baby don't exist, can you imagine what he's doing behind those closed doors, makes me shiver.
Thank God you never had a child with him, very often these nutcases abuse their children.
I totally understand how his abuse fades in your mind, maybe you start to only remember the good times and as other have said this where a good therapist comes in, they will help you so much.
You sounds like such a nice caring person and deserve the absolute best.
Don't have any contact with him, I'd ignore his texts, calls etc, you be the one in control, not him.
There's a good life out there for you and it's going to take time to heal.
Can you imagine telling someone the cruel things he said to you, that they are an impediment to your happiness, that right there is off the wall crazy talk and says a lot about the person who says it.
Right now Minnie I am sick with worry over my 23 year old daughter who is with a controlling nut, she thinks he's great and he's terrible, I want her to see what's happening, my once happy, self-confident daughter is now depressed and stopped going to college, the way he looks at me gives me the chills.
These guys destroy your confidence, can you imagine how wonderful it would be to have a loving relationship with someone and not being yelled at etc
I'm rambling, please go forward, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, now that some day are going to be so hard and you may find yourself thinking of this guy in a good light and what could have been, what would have been though is you being even more abused.
Take care Minnie.
But then I recall a time when my dad was my favorite person in the entire world. We were best buddies. Then, when I was 8 years old, he turned on me. It was the first time he ever hurled an expletive at me, the way I'd witnessed him hurl them at everyone else around me up until then. I spent the rest of his life trying to regain his love and approval (something I just realized while writing this)
So, yeah - I can see how he and his wife could possibly always be in an argument - him intimidating and domineering, just as my parents did. And the little girl standing between them crying for him to stop screaming at her. My dad would sooth me at those times and promise to stop. But, it always happened again. Then, at 8, he decided that I too was part of the reason he was so angry.
Eventually, I became the primary reason for all of his anger; until I ran away and got married. Then, my mom and, eventually, the new dog became the reason. They remained married and together 'til death - 4 weeks to the day of each ones passing. They lived and found a familiar dance within that abuse for 56 years.
Again, while I wish tge wife and child no harm, if that's the way there situation turms out to be, I'm sorry but, I'll feel relief and vindication. And for her and the child's sake, I hope it doesn't take her 5, 10 or 56 years to realize she's worth more.