Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Before engagement he was my best friend. Charming. Funny. Extremely caring. I could confide in him, trust him. He was the "calling you in the middle of the night to make sure you're okay" when I mentioned I had a bad day kind of guy.
It changed after engagement though. He started getting picky about my dress, my fingernails, and said I needed to go to a salon because I have "raw beauty that hasn't been chisled yet."
I know it seems weird and I don't know why but I keep blaming myself...was I immature?
I come from a conservative family and he would constantly manipulate me to say things to him and say hes afraid of my religiosity. He said it will break the family and take attention away from him and our future kids. I assured him this wasn't the case, family is first for me. He used religion for his advantage when he wanted tho, and make me feel very guilty.
Once he was talking sexually and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and he said I was "mentally immature for marriage" and "he's afraid to have children with me" and "I need to "grow up" because this was the real deal, and would often make me kiss him on the phone. When I wouldn't, he said he's going to a strip club to call all the girls there my name until I was his, and would constantly joke and say he was interested in marrying my friends--he was always trying to make me jealous. Mind games.
I started taking some religious classes which he despised. To prove I'm not stubborn and too rigid he said I needed to promise not to take any classes and go to hooka bars with him otherwise he was going to break the engagement. And he would say "Why can't you do this for me? I can't believe you're going to make me break this because you don't want to go to stupid hooka for me. Are you that selfish?" Families were involved, I felt trapped, so I agreed.
He hated my honesty. Once he asked me if I was attracted to him. I said of course, I was marrying him! He said "Do you want me to lose weight?" I said "I am very very attracted to you and weight is something that fluctuates. I need to lose weight too so maybe we can work out together!" He got upset at me, and sulked, even though I tried very hard to emphasize I am very attracted to him. And turned it around and said, "I can't believe you called me fat." I never did. He made me feel like the devil, though he would always call me short and I'd laugh it off. He couldn't ever laugh at himself. Ever.
Another time he showed me a pic of an engagement dress his family picked out and asked my opinion. I said it was very pretty to be nice, but he kept insisting if it was my taste and I said it wasn't what I was used to but I'd love to wear it and he got mad and said "Jeez. You don't like anything our family likes. Well I don't like your taste." I don't know why or how he came to that conclusion and I told him that was rude and didn't talk to him until he called to yell at me for ignoring him, calling me immature, arrogant, I can't see past my own nose, stupid, crazy, comparing me to his 2 year old niece, I can take my ego elsewhere he'd find someone else to love. He was upset I was on Facebook earlier that day, and said "You look like a mental case in your new profile picture. You know I liked the other one better. But do what you want." I tried explaining my side, how it was unfair for him to disrespect my taste and he said "Stop getting emotional. Jeez...you're so sensitive! Did I hit you for you to be this sensitive?" I was in Canada at the time visiting family and so he said, "The cold is making you crazy. You think I'm going to let you visit Canada anymore? Yeah right! You're surrounded by too much family...you've forgotten who you are." And then "you can wipe your butt with the cloth I don't care!" And then he called back and said "Don't make me yell at you. Don't make me embarrass myself. I love you. Put water on the fire instead of defending yourself. Promise you won't leave me, my love?"
He controlled the finances too and would always be picky about what I wore--he wanted me to wear tighter clothes and more make up. Once he said "I want to show you off to the world"
When I broke and told my mom, my family decided to end it. He cried saying I broke his trust and I should've talked to him, and that I threw his love away. I feel guilty. So so guilty. Did I do the right thing? Was this abuse, or just his frustration/sensitivity/him getting emotional? Was I unjust?
It changed after engagement though. He started getting picky about my dress, my fingernails, and said I needed to go to a salon because I have "raw beauty that hasn't been chisled yet."
I know it seems weird and I don't know why but I keep blaming myself...was I immature?
I come from a conservative family and he would constantly manipulate me to say things to him and say hes afraid of my religiosity. He said it will break the family and take attention away from him and our future kids. I assured him this wasn't the case, family is first for me. He used religion for his advantage when he wanted tho, and make me feel very guilty.
Once he was talking sexually and I said I wasn't comfortable with that and he said I was "mentally immature for marriage" and "he's afraid to have children with me" and "I need to "grow up" because this was the real deal, and would often make me kiss him on the phone. When I wouldn't, he said he's going to a strip club to call all the girls there my name until I was his, and would constantly joke and say he was interested in marrying my friends--he was always trying to make me jealous. Mind games.
I started taking some religious classes which he despised. To prove I'm not stubborn and too rigid he said I needed to promise not to take any classes and go to hooka bars with him otherwise he was going to break the engagement. And he would say "Why can't you do this for me? I can't believe you're going to make me break this because you don't want to go to stupid hooka for me. Are you that selfish?" Families were involved, I felt trapped, so I agreed.
He hated my honesty. Once he asked me if I was attracted to him. I said of course, I was marrying him! He said "Do you want me to lose weight?" I said "I am very very attracted to you and weight is something that fluctuates. I need to lose weight too so maybe we can work out together!" He got upset at me, and sulked, even though I tried very hard to emphasize I am very attracted to him. And turned it around and said, "I can't believe you called me fat." I never did. He made me feel like the devil, though he would always call me short and I'd laugh it off. He couldn't ever laugh at himself. Ever.
Another time he showed me a pic of an engagement dress his family picked out and asked my opinion. I said it was very pretty to be nice, but he kept insisting if it was my taste and I said it wasn't what I was used to but I'd love to wear it and he got mad and said "Jeez. You don't like anything our family likes. Well I don't like your taste." I don't know why or how he came to that conclusion and I told him that was rude and didn't talk to him until he called to yell at me for ignoring him, calling me immature, arrogant, I can't see past my own nose, stupid, crazy, comparing me to his 2 year old niece, I can take my ego elsewhere he'd find someone else to love. He was upset I was on Facebook earlier that day, and said "You look like a mental case in your new profile picture. You know I liked the other one better. But do what you want." I tried explaining my side, how it was unfair for him to disrespect my taste and he said "Stop getting emotional. Jeez...you're so sensitive! Did I hit you for you to be this sensitive?" I was in Canada at the time visiting family and so he said, "The cold is making you crazy. You think I'm going to let you visit Canada anymore? Yeah right! You're surrounded by too much family...you've forgotten who you are." And then "you can wipe your butt with the cloth I don't care!" And then he called back and said "Don't make me yell at you. Don't make me embarrass myself. I love you. Put water on the fire instead of defending yourself. Promise you won't leave me, my love?"
He controlled the finances too and would always be picky about what I wore--he wanted me to wear tighter clothes and more make up. Once he said "I want to show you off to the world"
When I broke and told my mom, my family decided to end it. He cried saying I broke his trust and I should've talked to him, and that I threw his love away. I feel guilty. So so guilty. Did I do the right thing? Was this abuse, or just his frustration/sensitivity/him getting emotional? Was I unjust?
"You don't love me. You want to own me. You want to control what I do, what I think and what I say. THAT IS NOT LOVE."
And it is not love. Do not feel guilty. I returned to an abusive relationship over & over because of guilt & worry over him. He knows you will feel guilty because you are a caring person. He will use this to get you back. He wants to own you. He wants to control what you do, think and say. That is not love.
You really don't realize or see what you are going through because all the words are immensely subtle and weaved with so much love. Honestly, if it wasn't for the engagement outfit ordeal I would have still gone through with it because I didn't see the abuse. His anger and name-calling "snapped" me out of my haze when I finally broke down.
The fact that he is telling everyone you broke up with him over an outfit also shows how little he is willing to acknowledge his faults! Unlike my ex who would acknowledge his jealous and unreasonable behaviour and beg for forgiveness, promise to change, etc. Of course he did not change! In fact it became much worse! And he needed to control me more and more! I wouldn't be surprised if that is the next thing you get from him -- apologies, "I will change," blah blah. Believe me, unless they are willing to work really hard to change, nothing changes! For me, once he had me back , he would simply be quiet for a while and making me feel very comfortable. Then eventually, something would come along that was very important for me and he would smash it to bits with control and jealousy! These character traits do not go away easily! Sending you thoughts and strength! Hold your head high! You are a woman who knows herself! And knows that your inner voice can not be ignored! Follow your dreams NOW because this guy will kill them if he is with you!
I understand what it's like to have someone who wins people around them! My ex had also really bamboozled a lot of people around me. In the end, many of them apologised to me for not listening to my concerns and taking them more seriously. They also realised they had been fooled. I guess I was lucky that way, but i certainly wouldn't wish that on you -- to have to go through what I went through in the end to finally believe your inner voice! Believe it now! Why should you doubt yourself?!
Just trying to hold onto hope and not fall into self-pity because that is the absolute worst feeling.
But thank you for your kind words