Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Sorry it's so long but it'd mean a lot to me if i could get some insight on this. I'm really struggling moving on.
I've had two serious relationships. The first was my first love and the one who took my virginity.. when we broke up it felt like the end of the world. This is i believe what triggered my depression and at the time it got as bad as suicidal thoughts. Six months later i met my other ex. He was completely different, very shy and sweet and had never had a serious relationship before.. i couldn't imagine him hurting me. We talked for a couple of weeks before going on a "date" and it was the first time i felt happier.
We ended up starting a relationship and he treated me perfectly. I started to fall for him and he told me he loved me. After around three months we decided to have sex, he was a virgin beforehand and it meant a lot to me. Months passed and he started to act indifferent and emotionally not there. I was confused, mentioned it to him and nothing changed. I even broke up with him and he said he didn't know what he was doing wrong or that he'd try harder and asked if we could take a break instead. I agreed and ended up going back to him.
It only got worse and "talks" got more frequent. I felt myself becoming completely devalued by him and it feeling harder to leave because i longed for it to go back. He never complemented me, rarely showed me affection and towards the end he began ignoring me or talking over me. He said i wore too much makeup and my clothes were too risky.. and if i bought a new dress he'd say i shouldn't wear it because his other girl friends wouldn't be wearing them which would make me feel awkward and change. He even walked ahead of me in the street because i couldn't keep up and sometimes wouldn't return the favour when we had sex because i "took too long to ****" which made me feel inadequate. When i talked to him he'd seem to twist things and say "i'm in one of my moods again/ like i've switched into a different person". I wasn't angry towards him but this made me think i might have had an irrational side. He'd make me feel like i was to blame and i could feel myself getting more insecure. For example, he chose to live with girls at university which i was feeling uncomfortable with considering his seemingly lack of affection for me. I told him i was feeling a bit off about it and he'd reassure me it'd be fine yet his actions were different. On the day he moved he put a packet of condoms in his pocket and said he was just taking them to the bin. I jokingly said "let's see!" and went to check his pockets and he looked angry and wouldn't let me making me out to be controlling. He left straight after which made me feel awful. He also borrowed a girls ipod and when i questioned it he'd say "why are you so paranoid?". He lived with these girls and even went clubbing with them all night and when we set aside time to talk he'd always seem uninterested and drop me when they wanted to hang out. I mentioned it to him and he'd say "i'm here talking when i don't have to be, it's like you want to talk to me 24/7! Am i allowed to go to lectures or do you want me to stay in my room all day?" and even started calling me "boss" and saying i was "getting all emotional because he wasn't doing what i was saying". I knew i've become too attached when i laughed at him for almost stepping in something on the street. It seemed like he took it as an attack on him and pushed my face towards his shoe in public and stormed off. I pathetically walked after him demanding an apology. He gave me a half *** one and blared music and threw darts whilst ignoring me when we got home. I just sat there blankly. I'd spend many nights crying next to him and he'd know and ignore me.
There were a few time that he was sweet which kept me hooked.I actually began thinking i must have done something to make him changed and empathizing with his view point and thinking maybe i was controlling and clingy and crazy. I began to think i was the one creating all the drama because i always wanted to "talk". I'd end up apologizing, thinking i was lucky he was putting up with me. I eventually got the strength to leave, during the break up he kept repeating "i hope you know i love you" and even shouted it after me as i walked away which was the most emotion i'd seen him. I read back our online conversations after i was over him and i sounded like a different person, i couldn't imagine myself sounding so insecure. He was also very laid back which has added to my belief the problem is me.
We had no contact for a year. I finally started feeling better about myself and was over him. He then got in contact asking to catch up over drinks. I agreed, i kept telling myself i wanted to show him he couldn't hurt me but at the back of my mind i was a bit lonely and wanted to see a familiar face after moving to a new city. He came straight from the airport (he'd been on holiday) and was running late and text me asking if he could stay over when he was half way to mine, so he didn't have to get the train back home late. I felt guilty he was half way there and planned on him staying on my sofa. When he arrived he said he had no money to go out as he'd spent it all on holiday so we had a few back at mine. He bought me a bracelet and we talked about old memories. He hugged me and said he missed me and began stroking my arm. I kissed him.. and one thing led to another. He held me all night and kissed me.. i didn't even care about the mistake i'd made at this point because i was getting everything he'd never given me and it meant the world.
I told him i didn't just want casual sex and liked him again, he said the same. It became flaky and he could barely find time to see me and would say he'd ring at a certain time and wouldn't/ He then began leaving me alone to wait in the train station the next morning whilst he went to meet friends and walking away and just leaving me there. When i didn't understand something he'd talk to me literally like a child. He'd also say he had no money to see me and spent his money on w.e.e.d instead. When i believe he was using me i'd just panic and end it and he'd come up with excuses i'd believe and make it sound like he was actually interested.. so i'd stay. I always seemed to be starting the arguments whilst he just didn't say much and i'd feel myself becoming the same pathetic girl i was after doing so well. I eventually asked him what he wanted and he said "he was happy how things were and didn't want a relationship". I ended it over email and he never replied.
I'm now back to square one. I feel like all my confidence building was worthless and i'm cheap and easy after i valued sex so much. I turned back into the same girl i was. I know he feels he can have me when he wants me and my vision of closure is ruined. I don't want to get into another relationship because i feel like something is wrong with me, negative thoughts that he was right in our relationship and i may have been crazy, controlling and needy come to mind and i don't want to inflict this on somebody else. I also feel pathetic for putting myself in these positions and like i'm unworthy of a relationship. Negative thoughts about my behaviour make me blame myself and think if i was a better girlfriend it might have worked. I'm scared to get in another relationship thinking i can't trust my judgment anymore and don't actually trust myself enough to know if i'm at fault or somebody else is. When i do feel he's wrong i feel worthless that i put up with it.
I've had two serious relationships. The first was my first love and the one who took my virginity.. when we broke up it felt like the end of the world. This is i believe what triggered my depression and at the time it got as bad as suicidal thoughts. Six months later i met my other ex. He was completely different, very shy and sweet and had never had a serious relationship before.. i couldn't imagine him hurting me. We talked for a couple of weeks before going on a "date" and it was the first time i felt happier.
We ended up starting a relationship and he treated me perfectly. I started to fall for him and he told me he loved me. After around three months we decided to have sex, he was a virgin beforehand and it meant a lot to me. Months passed and he started to act indifferent and emotionally not there. I was confused, mentioned it to him and nothing changed. I even broke up with him and he said he didn't know what he was doing wrong or that he'd try harder and asked if we could take a break instead. I agreed and ended up going back to him.
It only got worse and "talks" got more frequent. I felt myself becoming completely devalued by him and it feeling harder to leave because i longed for it to go back. He never complemented me, rarely showed me affection and towards the end he began ignoring me or talking over me. He said i wore too much makeup and my clothes were too risky.. and if i bought a new dress he'd say i shouldn't wear it because his other girl friends wouldn't be wearing them which would make me feel awkward and change. He even walked ahead of me in the street because i couldn't keep up and sometimes wouldn't return the favour when we had sex because i "took too long to ****" which made me feel inadequate. When i talked to him he'd seem to twist things and say "i'm in one of my moods again/ like i've switched into a different person". I wasn't angry towards him but this made me think i might have had an irrational side. He'd make me feel like i was to blame and i could feel myself getting more insecure. For example, he chose to live with girls at university which i was feeling uncomfortable with considering his seemingly lack of affection for me. I told him i was feeling a bit off about it and he'd reassure me it'd be fine yet his actions were different. On the day he moved he put a packet of condoms in his pocket and said he was just taking them to the bin. I jokingly said "let's see!" and went to check his pockets and he looked angry and wouldn't let me making me out to be controlling. He left straight after which made me feel awful. He also borrowed a girls ipod and when i questioned it he'd say "why are you so paranoid?". He lived with these girls and even went clubbing with them all night and when we set aside time to talk he'd always seem uninterested and drop me when they wanted to hang out. I mentioned it to him and he'd say "i'm here talking when i don't have to be, it's like you want to talk to me 24/7! Am i allowed to go to lectures or do you want me to stay in my room all day?" and even started calling me "boss" and saying i was "getting all emotional because he wasn't doing what i was saying". I knew i've become too attached when i laughed at him for almost stepping in something on the street. It seemed like he took it as an attack on him and pushed my face towards his shoe in public and stormed off. I pathetically walked after him demanding an apology. He gave me a half *** one and blared music and threw darts whilst ignoring me when we got home. I just sat there blankly. I'd spend many nights crying next to him and he'd know and ignore me.
There were a few time that he was sweet which kept me hooked.I actually began thinking i must have done something to make him changed and empathizing with his view point and thinking maybe i was controlling and clingy and crazy. I began to think i was the one creating all the drama because i always wanted to "talk". I'd end up apologizing, thinking i was lucky he was putting up with me. I eventually got the strength to leave, during the break up he kept repeating "i hope you know i love you" and even shouted it after me as i walked away which was the most emotion i'd seen him. I read back our online conversations after i was over him and i sounded like a different person, i couldn't imagine myself sounding so insecure. He was also very laid back which has added to my belief the problem is me.
We had no contact for a year. I finally started feeling better about myself and was over him. He then got in contact asking to catch up over drinks. I agreed, i kept telling myself i wanted to show him he couldn't hurt me but at the back of my mind i was a bit lonely and wanted to see a familiar face after moving to a new city. He came straight from the airport (he'd been on holiday) and was running late and text me asking if he could stay over when he was half way to mine, so he didn't have to get the train back home late. I felt guilty he was half way there and planned on him staying on my sofa. When he arrived he said he had no money to go out as he'd spent it all on holiday so we had a few back at mine. He bought me a bracelet and we talked about old memories. He hugged me and said he missed me and began stroking my arm. I kissed him.. and one thing led to another. He held me all night and kissed me.. i didn't even care about the mistake i'd made at this point because i was getting everything he'd never given me and it meant the world.
I told him i didn't just want casual sex and liked him again, he said the same. It became flaky and he could barely find time to see me and would say he'd ring at a certain time and wouldn't/ He then began leaving me alone to wait in the train station the next morning whilst he went to meet friends and walking away and just leaving me there. When i didn't understand something he'd talk to me literally like a child. He'd also say he had no money to see me and spent his money on w.e.e.d instead. When i believe he was using me i'd just panic and end it and he'd come up with excuses i'd believe and make it sound like he was actually interested.. so i'd stay. I always seemed to be starting the arguments whilst he just didn't say much and i'd feel myself becoming the same pathetic girl i was after doing so well. I eventually asked him what he wanted and he said "he was happy how things were and didn't want a relationship". I ended it over email and he never replied.
I'm now back to square one. I feel like all my confidence building was worthless and i'm cheap and easy after i valued sex so much. I turned back into the same girl i was. I know he feels he can have me when he wants me and my vision of closure is ruined. I don't want to get into another relationship because i feel like something is wrong with me, negative thoughts that he was right in our relationship and i may have been crazy, controlling and needy come to mind and i don't want to inflict this on somebody else. I also feel pathetic for putting myself in these positions and like i'm unworthy of a relationship. Negative thoughts about my behaviour make me blame myself and think if i was a better girlfriend it might have worked. I'm scared to get in another relationship thinking i can't trust my judgment anymore and don't actually trust myself enough to know if i'm at fault or somebody else is. When i do feel he's wrong i feel worthless that i put up with it.
Do YOU think you became a different person? If so, why do you think that? What was different about you and why did you change?
The thing with abusive Jeckyll/Hyde personalities is that they swap back and forth - like you describe him doing. He was sweet and affectionate, then he wasn't ... then when you broke it off, he was again. Until he wasn't. Then when he came back into your life, he was again. Until he wasn't. That push/pull is typical of abusers and is designed to keep you off balance and confused. Throw in the stuff about how you have changed (pure projection) and he has you doubting yourself and wanting to try harder to prove to him that you haven't changed and that you still love him.
And so, over time, you become "trained" to think only of his feelings, his wants and needs, his moods, making him happy, keeping him around, trying to "earn" back the affection. And to focus on your flaws, your failings, your weaknesses. There is no room left to think of your own thoughts, feelings, needs, wants or happiness, nor to contemplate any flaws, failings or weaknesses he has.
The first thing you need to do is take back your thoughts. Easier said than done, but it can be done. Have you had any kind of counselling? It can really help with all these conflicting thoughts and confusion.
Recovery is possible.
It requires a complete
change-out of
"the mother board"
like the innards
of a computer
that's caught
a virus.
To do that, you need
to find a highly qualified
counselor or coach, who
will work together with you
for as long as it takes to
travel the path of recovery.
Many of us have done that.
It's no small investment
but . . . .
it's WORTH IT.
In response to livindadrem, the "change" was when i talked to him about something that was bothering me. I'll leave an example of an online conversation we had below which was one of the times he'd said it so you can actually see what you make of it first hand rather than my interpretation (which i'm not sure i trust at the moment).
(Background: We never went on dates just the two of us except our first date..along with rarely holding my hand, never being affectionate and walking in front of me in public.. i thought he was embarrassed of me. I mentioned it to him before that we should go out just us and we arranged a cinema date. The night before he spent all his money playing poker with his friends and said he couldn't afford it, and that he had company over now anyway. He always had excuses. He'd also made frequent jokes about how he fancied my friend.The next day he says this..)
Him: You should ask your friends if they want to go to the cinema with us?
Me: We barely ever go out on our own though
Him: Just say to them, it'll be cool
Me: Get the impression you don't want to be seen out with just me.. you don't seem to want to do anything unless other people are involved
Him: Forget i said anything, why do you just change?
Me: I'm just trying to talk to you about something that was bothering me
Him: Sorry i misread what you put.. how do we not go out together?
Me: When i ask you've got no money or don't want to anymore etc.. but you're all for it when my friends come.. i feel like i'm forcing you to be seen out with me alone and it's hurtful
Him: I think you've got this idea from somewhere
Me: If it was somebody else i'd think their boyfriend was either ashamed of them, didn't want to spend money on them or only wanted to spend time with them in their bedroom for a reason
Him: I think we need to talk face to face
Me: Talk to me, last time you said that it was a break up talk
Him: Well your not happy
Me: So you want to break up?
Him: No, but if that's the way you feel about us when we don't go out something needs talking about don't you think??????? Everything was cool tonight and it's been spoilt by this
Me: It's not been spoilt, i love you and i'm trying to tell you when something is wrong like i'd want you to tell me
Him: I feel like it has been now.. all i did was make a suggestion, it's good you tell me when something is bothering you.. i just thought you'd want to see your friends so why not ask them too?
Me: Sorry, was stupid how the first thing that came to my head was that you were ashamed and -- (the friend he fancied) should have seen it as you being thoughtful
Him: I don't know why you'd think that.. like you say, i was being thoughtful.
It still makes me confused reading it. I'm answer to everybody, i've not had counselling but i'm definitely looking into it. Thanks for the recommendation sharelea.
I'm not going to analyse the whole thing, but just look at the big picture here. You want something in the relationship - to go out with him one on one. Not a huge ask in a relationship, but even if it were, even if you were asking for something huge and/or unreasonable, the very LEAST you deserve is to be heard and responded to. At the very least "no, I don't really want to do that because ..." And that's if it was a big ask.
Instead, you get double speak and veiled threats. He turns "I would like us to go out one on one, why can't we do that?" into:
* why do you just change (meaning: you have put up with me treating you like crap before, so just keep on doing so);
* you've got this idea from somewhere (meaning: you didn't complain before so I don't believe you're capable of this level of thought, plus I have to find a way to put the blame on you, so I'm going to accuse you of betraying "us" by going off and listening to someone else instead of me);
* we need to talk/you're not happy/you've spoilt everything (meaning: do NOT question me, EVER or I will abandon you and tell you it's your fault).
Not once did he make any attempt to address the actual issue, to listen to your needs. All he did was turn it back on you, blame you, and threaten you.
For the record, my ex used to walk ahead of me, showed no affection etc. In his case, he would go out with just me but I was never invited when he went out with his friends (he did invite me once, told me he was going to play some pool then would call me and we would all meet up after - he never called, and instead turned off his phone ... came home at 3am - that was the ONLY time I was ever "invited" to go out with his friends) and yes, I thought he was embarrassed by me as well and it hurt. The truth is, though, it's not about us, it's just more about them. It's just another way of keeping control, feeling powerful, keeping us focussed on them and how to make them happy and what's wrong with us.
There's nothing wrong with you, it's all him.
Its been hard coming to terms with the fact he never really seemed to love me or was the person I thought he was. Just venting, apologies.
And yeah, that was the hardest for me as well, accepting that he never loved me, never even cared about me, despite all his protestations of love, despite marrying me, having our child ... none of it meant anything to him, it was just a giant manipulation game.
But the upside of that realisation is that it's not you - it's him. Nobody who was any kind of a human being could treat another that way. It's not some failing or lack on your part. It's not because you were too ... whatever, or not good enough or any of that. It's ALL him. You deserve better.
One other thing ... abusers never want to lose a victim. If he doesn't try, it's probably because he knows he's already lost you. It also might be that he already has another victim - but he came back once, don't think it's impossible he'll come back again.