Sorry it's so long but it'd mean a lot to me if i could get some insight on this. I'm really struggling moving on.
I've had two serious relationships. The first was my first love and the one who took my virginity.. when we broke up it felt like the end of the world. This is i believe what triggered my depression and at the time it got as bad as suicidal thoughts. Six months later i met my other ex. He was completely different, very shy and sweet and had never had a serious relationship before.. i couldn't imagine him hurting me. We talked for a couple of weeks before going on a "date" and it was the first time i felt happier.

We ended up starting a relationship and he treated me perfectly. I started to fall for him and he told me he loved me. After around three months we decided to have sex, he was a virgin beforehand and it meant a lot to me. Months passed and he started to act indifferent and emotionally not there. I was confused, mentioned it to him and nothing changed. I even broke up with him and he said he didn't know what he was doing wrong or that he'd try harder and asked if we could take a break instead. I agreed and ended up going back to him.

It only got worse and "talks" got more frequent. I felt myself becoming completely devalued by him and it feeling harder to leave because i longed for it to go back. He never complemented me, rarely showed me affection and towards the end he began ignoring me or talking over me. He said i wore too much makeup and my clothes were too risky.. and if i bought a new dress he'd say i shouldn't wear it because his other girl friends wouldn't be wearing them which would make me feel awkward and change. He even walked ahead of me in the street because i couldn't keep up and sometimes wouldn't return the favour when we had sex because i "took too long to ****" which made me feel inadequate. When i talked to him he'd seem to twist things and say "i'm in one of my moods again/ like i've switched into a different person". I wasn't angry towards him but this made me think i might have had an irrational side. He'd make me feel like i was to blame and i could feel myself getting more insecure. For example, he chose to live with girls at university which i was feeling uncomfortable with considering his seemingly lack of affection for me. I told him i was feeling a bit off about it and he'd reassure me it'd be fine yet his actions were different. On the day he moved he put a packet of condoms in his pocket and said he was just taking them to the bin. I jokingly said "let's see!" and went to check his pockets and he looked angry and wouldn't let me making me out to be controlling. He left straight after which made me feel awful. He also borrowed a girls ipod and when i questioned it he'd say "why are you so paranoid?". He lived with these girls and even went clubbing with them all night and when we set aside time to talk he'd always seem uninterested and drop me when they wanted to hang out. I mentioned it to him and he'd say "i'm here talking when i don't have to be, it's like you want to talk to me 24/7! Am i allowed to go to lectures or do you want me to stay in my room all day?" and even started calling me "boss" and saying i was "getting all emotional because he wasn't doing what i was saying". I knew i've become too attached when i laughed at him for almost stepping in something on the street. It seemed like he took it as an attack on him and pushed my face towards his shoe in public and stormed off. I pathetically walked after him demanding an apology. He gave me a half *** one and blared music and threw darts whilst ignoring me when we got home. I just sat there blankly. I'd spend many nights crying next to him and he'd know and ignore me.

There were a few time that he was sweet which kept me hooked.I actually began thinking i must have done something to make him changed and empathizing with his view point and thinking maybe i was controlling and clingy and crazy. I began to think i was the one creating all the drama because i always wanted to "talk". I'd end up apologizing, thinking i was lucky he was putting up with me. I eventually got the strength to leave, during the break up he kept repeating "i hope you know i love you" and even shouted it after me as i walked away which was the most emotion i'd seen him. I read back our online conversations after i was over him and i sounded like a different person, i couldn't imagine myself sounding so insecure. He was also very laid back which has added to my belief the problem is me.

We had no contact for a year. I finally started feeling better about myself and was over him. He then got in contact asking to catch up over drinks. I agreed, i kept telling myself i wanted to show him he couldn't hurt me but at the back of my mind i was a bit lonely and wanted to see a familiar face after moving to a new city. He came straight from the airport (he'd been on holiday) and was running late and text me asking if he could stay over when he was half way to mine, so he didn't have to get the train back home late. I felt guilty he was half way there and planned on him staying on my sofa. When he arrived he said he had no money to go out as he'd spent it all on holiday so we had a few back at mine. He bought me a bracelet and we talked about old memories. He hugged me and said he missed me and began stroking my arm. I kissed him.. and one thing led to another. He held me all night and kissed me.. i didn't even care about the mistake i'd made at this point because i was getting everything he'd never given me and it meant the world.

I told him i didn't just want casual sex and liked him again, he said the same. It became flaky and he could barely find time to see me and would say he'd ring at a certain time and wouldn't/ He then began leaving me alone to wait in the train station the next morning whilst he went to meet friends and walking away and just leaving me there. When i didn't understand something he'd talk to me literally like a child. He'd also say he had no money to see me and spent his money on w.e.e.d instead. When i believe he was using me i'd just panic and end it and he'd come up with excuses i'd believe and make it sound like he was actually interested.. so i'd stay. I always seemed to be starting the arguments whilst he just didn't say much and i'd feel myself becoming the same pathetic girl i was after doing so well. I eventually asked him what he wanted and he said "he was happy how things were and didn't want a relationship". I ended it over email and he never replied.

I'm now back to square one. I feel like all my confidence building was worthless and i'm cheap and easy after i valued sex so much. I turned back into the same girl i was. I know he feels he can have me when he wants me and my vision of closure is ruined. I don't want to get into another relationship because i feel like something is wrong with me, negative thoughts that he was right in our relationship and i may have been crazy, controlling and needy come to mind and i don't want to inflict this on somebody else. I also feel pathetic for putting myself in these positions and like i'm unworthy of a relationship. Negative thoughts about my behaviour make me blame myself and think if i was a better girlfriend it might have worked. I'm scared to get in another relationship thinking i can't trust my judgment anymore and don't actually trust myself enough to know if i'm at fault or somebody else is. When i do feel he's wrong i feel worthless that i put up with it.