Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
As you all know I have been wanting to leave my EA husband for the past year on here, well the past probably 6 in life but haven't succeeded yet. I am at the point where I am so stressed out I can barely function anymore and everything that he does just irritates the hell out of me, I can barely have a conversation with him anymore without thinking in my head your such an idiot or an asshole. So about a month ago I set another date of wanting to leave this weekend, this is something I am not prepared for but I just don't think I ever will be. I think for me it's going to have to be all or nothing. I just need to do it and get out and never look back, except for visitation with my son. Right now he thinks everything's fine and that we are working through everything. But I know that he hasn't changed at all and I don't really care if he doesn change at this point, I just want my son and I to be happy and I know that can't happen with him. So like it was said before I think it has to be like a bandaid and just rip it off! I think I just need to pack a bag and what I can and leave and maybe bring the police a few days later to get more things, I'm not sure how that works but I'm sure there are other options. I do have a place to stay with my parents and my son is very close to them and I think he would feel safe there.
My husband will never understand the damage that he has done to my son and I and that it is his fault, he will never understand that we need to leave, he just thinks we should just keep working at it, I'm tired of working at it, I know marriage is tough but it shouldn't be like this.
Im just maybe looking for words of encouragement or wondering if any of you just had to up and leave and never come back? I know what needs to be done because my son is the most important person to me and has expressed many ill feelings toward his dad lately. He is seeing his school counselor and has seen a professional a couple of times but it makes it really hard to see the professional when we have to hide it because his dad doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him. My son had me pick him up from school yesterday because he was worried that his counselor there was going to send home some notes to me and that if his dad read them he would get mad because it was discussing feelings that he had. He explained to me that he feels angry with his dad because he doesn't listen and makes everything about him and that he gets frustrated with him because he can never express how he truly feels or because his dad gets mad and its pointless to even try to express himself. How horrible for a 9 year old not to be able to talk to his dad, I can' t imagine that. He knows he can come to me with anything and that he can feel safe with me, with his dad he doesn't.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful. Please help me get through this...
My husband will never understand the damage that he has done to my son and I and that it is his fault, he will never understand that we need to leave, he just thinks we should just keep working at it, I'm tired of working at it, I know marriage is tough but it shouldn't be like this.
Im just maybe looking for words of encouragement or wondering if any of you just had to up and leave and never come back? I know what needs to be done because my son is the most important person to me and has expressed many ill feelings toward his dad lately. He is seeing his school counselor and has seen a professional a couple of times but it makes it really hard to see the professional when we have to hide it because his dad doesn't believe there is anything wrong with him. My son had me pick him up from school yesterday because he was worried that his counselor there was going to send home some notes to me and that if his dad read them he would get mad because it was discussing feelings that he had. He explained to me that he feels angry with his dad because he doesn't listen and makes everything about him and that he gets frustrated with him because he can never express how he truly feels or because his dad gets mad and its pointless to even try to express himself. How horrible for a 9 year old not to be able to talk to his dad, I can' t imagine that. He knows he can come to me with anything and that he can feel safe with me, with his dad he doesn't.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be helpful. Please help me get through this...
Also you need to be sure you have as much cash as you can get a hold of; copies of your h's latest pay stubs, at least last year's tax return, birth certificates, marriage certificate, soc sec cards/numbers, insurance, bank & other asset statements, including retirement accts. In addition, be sure to have all medicines, personal things you want to be sure you won't regret leaving in case you aren't allowed back, sundries, stuff for the kids like toys & books, clothes, etc.
In the coming days, it would be good to check to see what accts you're on (like credit cards) and get your name off of them & open one in your own name. Get your own bank account & post office box.
Let the shelter put you in touch w/an attorney who can act in your behalf when it comes to divorce, custody & support. They can also refer you to therapists for you and your son. In addition, most shelters offer weekly support group meetings at no cost.
Do NOT tell him you're leaving. That's when even 'just' an EA spouse's behavior can & does escalate to the most dangerous.
Please take good care of you & stay safe.
I read that the boy's father doesn't believe there is anything wrong, but what does it matter what he believes?
One rule I've made for myself in living with a verbal abuser is ... I refuse to hide things from him. If I believe something needs to be done, Or I want to do something. I do it. If he gets mad and belly aches about it I don't care. As long as her doesn't hit me, the kids, destroy property or break any of my civil rights, he doesn't have to be happy or agree with me.
Hiding things is for people who feel they are doing something wrong. Taking your son to talk to a counselor is not wrong.
He knows that he has seen the school counselor for bullying issues at school and is fine with that. He does not know about the professional counselor because I told him I wanted him to see one and he said that he will not allow his son to see one because when he was younger he seen one and all they did was pump him full of drugs, which is not what my son is being seen for and I don't want my son on any meds and the Dr. agrees. I haven't told him to keep the peace, my son doesn't need to hear why he shouldn't go because then he would eventually agree with his dad and not want to go either. Also once we are out I don't care what he knows, its really just to keep the peace for my son's sake.
As for the rest, I think MTC's advice is good to talk to the local shelter and just get some help, advice and support.
Sometimes, we just reach a point where it becomes too much and we know it has to end. I didn't know I was going to end my relationship, even the day before I did. Even the day I did. I just reached a point, and I did it.
You will get through this, and you will make a better, safer life for yourself and your son. You are right, your H won't ever understand, he will just accuse you of giving up too easily, of causing the problems, of all sorts of things. But that's a problem for another time. For now, don't tell him what you are planning, just do it.
And I understand what Christy was trying to say too, I do not hide many things from him anymore because I mostly don't care what he things but when it comes to my son I just have to make sure he is protected.
Thank you for your replies.