Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello friends xxx
this message is going to sound a bit mad because you all know im leaving soon but something is nagging me and i need answers and as you know i cant ask my husband this because he will probably just lie through his teeth anyway , so im coming to my friends to ask.......if thats ok?.....in one way i AM bothered about it and in another way im not....but i REALLY NEED TO KNOW......and i know because youre all not personally involved you will be able to see from a better persepctive.
For years now we havent been intimate and he will only say he loves me when i ask him to or remind him that hes stopped saying it again , and even then it will stop until i remind him again........its as though its too much like hard work for him?
Anyway a while ago i noticed tissues down by the side of his side of the bed , and yeaaaahhhh i know what youre all thinking.....i am NOW.....but its as though i DIDNT want to know!
These tissues mysteriously dissappear in the morning.........amazing.....lol......
ive asked him time and time again about him having someone else and he looks me in the face and denies it........although when i ask he plays with his wedding ring and blinks a lot , more than normal.......whether thats body language telling me something i dont know......
but after 12 years of not doing ANYTHING at all intimate and there were problems with premature ejeculation......although im not convinced ....as he was never actually all that interested when we actually DID do something.......it was as if he wanted to get it over and done with as soon as.........and hes definaltey NOT impotent........hes always making comments about womens breasts so hes still definaltey interested ( hes in his early 60s )....theres something eating away at me.....why get yourself off when youve got a wife there?..........why not just come clean and tell me the truth?
i did , about 6 months ago , manage to get out of him that he would actually leave if it wasnt for his commitment to me !!!!!!
what that means i dont know..
i suppose what im looking for it solid evidence so i can smack him one.......lol....
can someone shed some light on this please? and please dont judge what ive wrote.........xx
this message is going to sound a bit mad because you all know im leaving soon but something is nagging me and i need answers and as you know i cant ask my husband this because he will probably just lie through his teeth anyway , so im coming to my friends to ask.......if thats ok?.....in one way i AM bothered about it and in another way im not....but i REALLY NEED TO KNOW......and i know because youre all not personally involved you will be able to see from a better persepctive.
For years now we havent been intimate and he will only say he loves me when i ask him to or remind him that hes stopped saying it again , and even then it will stop until i remind him again........its as though its too much like hard work for him?
Anyway a while ago i noticed tissues down by the side of his side of the bed , and yeaaaahhhh i know what youre all thinking.....i am NOW.....but its as though i DIDNT want to know!
These tissues mysteriously dissappear in the morning.........amazing.....lol......
ive asked him time and time again about him having someone else and he looks me in the face and denies it........although when i ask he plays with his wedding ring and blinks a lot , more than normal.......whether thats body language telling me something i dont know......
but after 12 years of not doing ANYTHING at all intimate and there were problems with premature ejeculation......although im not convinced ....as he was never actually all that interested when we actually DID do something.......it was as if he wanted to get it over and done with as soon as.........and hes definaltey NOT impotent........hes always making comments about womens breasts so hes still definaltey interested ( hes in his early 60s )....theres something eating away at me.....why get yourself off when youve got a wife there?..........why not just come clean and tell me the truth?
i did , about 6 months ago , manage to get out of him that he would actually leave if it wasnt for his commitment to me !!!!!!
what that means i dont know..
i suppose what im looking for it solid evidence so i can smack him one.......lol....
can someone shed some light on this please? and please dont judge what ive wrote.........xx
it's difficult to say from not knowing more about your situation as to whether he has someone else, if your gut instincts think there could be then you should really believe in that. does he use porn? i was just thinking that he could be getting up in the night or using a laptop in bed and watching that while you're sleeping. living with a porn addict (been there done that worn the t-shirt) is like living with someone who is having an affair. the emotional neglect, mental abuse, lack of intimacy, physical clues (tissues, towels left on the floor) and that feeling that they're hiding something but what?
his premature ejaculation problem would fit with someone addicted to porn, they often find it affects their sexual performance. as i said though it's difficult to say as i don't know your situation.
sex with a guy who is addicted to porn is usually in the dark, in bed, in the missionary style position and with very little connection. it feels like he's somewhere else.
whatever it is that he's has been keeping from you i hope you find your peace of mind when you leave him. i had to accept that there were things I would never know about my ex, he worked long hours and had male friends equally chauvinistic as him (to cover for him), he could've cheated but I'd never have known. I never knew what porn sites he looked at because he used private browsing on the computer.
i knew about it though. from the early days when he didn't hide so well. and also the change on the floor round the computer that was a dead giveaway he was sat with his pants down xx
My husband is very similar. The intimacy has gone downhill - in fact, it's flat-out died. And I know he 'takes care of it' himself from time to time, because the tissues you mention appear in our room as well. He also comments about other women, and has never wanted intimacy to last a long time. I used to say to him, 'It's not a race, you know!'
I can't say for sure if he's been unfaithful to you, or even if mine has to me (but I'd be lying if I said I hadn't seriously wondered). Basically, I think they just don't care after a while. They use you until they've worn you out, and after a while, even sex isn't that important to them. They know you're staying for them to carry on being abusive to, so if they don't need to give you intimacy to persuade you to hang around, they won't.
To a narc, I think sex is just a 'lure'. Once they know you are hooked in, they lose interest and stop trying to hold onto you. I've noticed that whenever hubby has felt threatened by another guy or something, he tries harder than he EVER does at any other time! But if I'm safely in his 'possession' it all goes to hell.
I'm not sure if anything I've just typed has made sense, but I hope it has! It's a rotten position to be in, I know that much... Take care XXX
a dysfunctional person
who has no capacity for
relating, this just extends
to physical relating, as well.
So much "easier" to only
"relate" to oneself.
An additional "benefit" for
the abuser, is that he (or
she), gets to practice the
abusive tactic of
WITHHOLDING.
Physical intimacy is a part
of life that we can live without,
but that. . . . if we have in a
healthy way. . . is pleasurable
and enriching. So when an
abuser can withhold that from
their partner, they get the hit
of feeling powerful that their
partner is depending on them
for that. . . . and they get to
keep it from their partner
and deprive their partner
of that enjoyment.
As far as cheating, that
encompasses both not
having to relate with
emotional intimacy and
also withholding from
their partner. And if you
think they're out there
doing it, it's likely that
they are. Go with your
gut.
Glad to know you're planning
on leaving soon!
this is so hard for me , i just feel like no matter what is shown to me or no matter what i feel in my gut , i just cant seem to move........i feel like im stuck in concrete? xx
and i just dont know why?
Envision all of us here
on DS and anyone else
in you support system
all arriving enmasse
carrying jackhammers.
We've all arrived to liberate
you from whatever is keeping
you feeling imprisoned.
We've chipped away the
concrete and you're now
free to make whatever
choices and take whatever
actions you feel would be
the best for you in your life.
Sending you strength and
empowerment. Your happy
life is out there waiting for you.