no ideas.

but I had a nightmare last night (while camping) that he went back on his promise and tried to get sexual with me. I leaned over to whisper into his ear: you broke my promise', and instead, bit his ear off!!!!

I woke up petrified!!! I thought is was real, and that HE was going to charge ME with abuse and call the cops on me..

scary dream!!

so you're not the only one stuffing some anger issues!!

Journaling, I know that sounds silly but it helps me so much to clarify my thoughts and release emotions in a healthy way. Make use of the journal function here.

Also therapy if you can afford it, preferably with someone who is experienced with domestic abuse. It help so much. As soon as I can afford it, I am going to go back because it helped so much when I was there.

And keep posting here. All of us have been in your position. We can lend an ear even when we can't advise you.

I hope you get some peace soon. You deserve it.

Some good ideas from cdawnb. Journalling, even writing letters you don't send to him, setting out all the things he has done that are making you angry.

Accepting your anger is a good thing too - accepting that you have a right to be angry and a choice as to how you express that. Anger is not wrong or bad - just some expressions of it are.

Exercise can help too because it gets rid of the energy that comes with the anger. As can things like just lying on your stomach on your bed an punching your pillow, kicking your feet in full on 2 year old tantrum mode. I found that sometimes that helped a heap. :-)

All of these are great suggestions.

A very important caution:

Don't attempt to express your anger
to or stand up for yourself against
your abuser. This can cause the
abuse to escalate or put you in
danger.

There's no safe expression
of anger or opposition towards
an abuser.

As you look for means of healthy expression,
make sure that you keep yourself safe.

Also, if you can counseling would be a very good idea. They can help you work though your issues. Good luck.

I totally understand.

I was thinking, one day, about what I would say to friends who asked why I left him. I blurted out in my mind, "because I hate him!" I was so surprised I felt that way!

I had a weird dream too (I think I already wrote about it here). This blonde woman told me that someone needed help, so I followed her. (I am a compulsive helper--I even stop on the side of the road to search dead possum's pouches for living babies who could be saved, which is one reason why I like your name!)

She led me to this man who was big, burly, and mean looking. He was sticking tacks in his head.

She tried to help him but he turned around and lunged at her. He had tacks sticking out of his hands--pointing outward. His hands were lined with them.

He was about to go through an airport terminal, and I was worried that he might hurt someone or himself, so I said, in a weak voice, "It isn't healthy."

He turned around, grabbed the blonde woman, and pulled out a big knife. He stuck her through the arm with the knife--pinning her to the wall in this way.

Then he turned to me and said, "oh, (my name), you are always so slow to react," and sneered widely.

Then, before I knew it, I was standing behind him with a butcher knife in my hand, and his head had been cut off.

Then I said, "I talk slow, but I act fast."

I was so surprised, but I have to say that it was a pleasant dream compared to the nightmares I have had about running from him.

I find that being angry actually helps me to detach. You can be angry with out lashing out. You don't need to pour more energy into him--maybe you can just focus on improving yourself, since he would hate that anyway. I mean improving yourself for yourself--not him, of course.

But I do admit that being in an abusive relationship forces us to become slightly different from how we would want to be. You are still in control of your own actions. Also, communicating anger to an abuser is pretty futile. They don't care and will use it against you. But you can communicate it to yourself through a journal or by simply accepting your feelings. You can also communicate it to trusted friends.

I do know how to express anger in a healthy way--but it doesn't work with an abuser. He doesn't listen, and if you expect him to you will be sadly disappointed. Plus, it engages him. Like Illene said.

IMO In an abusive relationship, anger is a precious treasure. You can't show it to everyone--but if you use it for the right reasons, it is empowering.

What you're doing, writing here. It's very theraputic to talk to others with the same problems.

When things were really bad between H and I. I wished him dead, would be so much easier for me. Then I felt horrible since he is the father of my daughter and the facade of the man I fell in love with.

BUT I still take joy in his pain/misery. Getting a ticket, stubbing his toe, etc. I figure it's karma or in most cases a consequences of his procrastinating.

Thanx everyone for your understanding and good advice. It's good to acknowledge that it is Ok to be angry about what has gone on in my life, much better than stuffing it inside..