What I have noticed from your other posts as well and from other survivors who share is ignoring the signs that something is wrong. If you mention it , the abuser will call you crazy and deny it in such a way that will make you feel guilty, not just for bringing it up, but for seeing what you saw.
So you can trust people by trusting yourself and validating yourself. And then when you see the signs that something is wrong, you will listen only to yourself.

Yeah. Is MILF pornography something to freak out about? I don't know why I found it so disturbing. I feel like people who engage in it tend to have unrealistic expectations for women.

MILF as you probably know what it stands for is a way to categorize a woman on the basis of sexual interest only. I honestly don't know if it something to freak out about , but I agree that it is a fantasy world, unrealistic indeed and the reality behind it is often very disturbing in my opinion (what happens behind the scenes).
This man is not all man and I am positive that there are men out there whose values correspond with yours. I am also sure that this time you will not be settling for less than what you deserve. You already know the signs of abuse. And pornography could suggest lack of intimacy and authenticity.

Is it something to freak out about? To a large extent that comes back to boundaries in my view. You made it very clear to him early on that porn (of any sort) was a deal breaker. That's a clear boundary that you set, and now you find he lied to you and that he was probably never going to respect that boundary. THAT is worth getting angry about, freaking out even. It's not up to anyone else to say whether MILF porn is a bad thing or whether it should be a deal breaker or whether you should be allowed to be upset by this. It's your life, you are allowed to set whatever boundaries you like and nobody has a right to tell you they are wrong.

As for what's wrong with YOU to be engaged to a man like this, absolutely nothing. He lied to you, he manipulated you, he conned you. There is something wrong with him, not with you.

Oh and for the record, I think you are spot on about his mother fetish - had you married him, you would have found yourself playing the role of mother as much as wife I suspect. And never quite good enough in either one - certainly (I strongly suspect), he would make sure you never felt you were anywhere near as good as his actual mother.

His mother was his world and he wanted me to fill the void and be his maternal comfort.
When he asked me whether I'd prefer my mother to pick the wedding outfit or his, and when I said mine, he blew up and said I am causing pain to his mother, when they go wedding shopping he would hide his moms gaze from the bridal shops, that I am selfish and immature and he is done and doesn't care anymore, then called back to say that he is hulk and I need to calm him down and I need to apologize to his mom on the wedding day. If there was so much control over such frivolous issues one cannot imagine how things would be later on.

I hate being stepped on. Worst feeling :(

If it were me....having been married now for 15 years and together for 20....I would really sit down and come to terms with all of this now before the actual cermony. There are numerous red flags in what you wrote. You should be the center of the universe for your husband and he should be yours. Already that is not the case...porn and my mil have been invaders in my marriage. They were not on my radar until a few years ago and it has caused quite a strain for me. Had a I known that these things would have been a part of my marriage from the beginning, I would have backed out.

It really is a horrible feeling. And also, that incident made very clear that his mother is more important than you are, and you have no right to want anything to do with your own mother.

We've said it before, I hope it's kinda sinking in - you dodged a bullet. I do understand the conflict, but it really does sound like you are coming out of the fog a little.

Sinking in slowly but surely.

My husband is somewhat of a golden child. That means that he is relied on THE MOST by his mom. If she has a problem, he takes care of it. She trusts all her finances to him as well. He has POA along with everything else at this point, too. FIL passed away 3 years ago and now mil has more of a presence in our lives...which I think is sad because our kids come first.

I know people are not going to like hearing me say this BUT: I don't give a rat's a$$ about an elder woman's position within an extended family regardless of race, religion or anything else (but please be respectful of them). What I do endorse STRONGLY is this: when a man marries a woman, he cleaves to her and makes a break from his mom.

When my daughters are older, I will drilling this into their heads so that they do not make the mistake that I did. We only get one shot at life and suffering at any cost shouldn't be an option.

My ex was the golden son of his family too. His emotional remote control was run by his mother.
I think the place of elders is dear and precious, but a mature man can balance and make sure he doesn't manipulate his wife's emotions. using his mother or other elders as emotional swords against her.
Thats how I felt constantly.

I'm so sorry for
your past and
present discomfort.

When you get some
distance from this I
suspect that you'll
clearly be able to
exhale a HUGE
sigh of RELIEF

that marriage to this
dysfunctional abuser
never came about.

Please make sure
that you practice
SELF-CARE
EVERY DAY.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
recovery and
better times ahead.

Thanks llenw!

From someone who found an email to a porn site 3 weeks after my son is born - they don't change. They are good at hiding it, but they don't just quit. That's what I don't get. No matter what you are into, no matter how outlandish, someone out there is into it too. Why not find someone else who is? Why lie to someone and portray to be something you're not (not into porn) just because you don't want to admit it and possibly lose the person. He shouldn't have gotten involved with someone opposed to porn, he should find someone who is into it or doesn't mind it. But they don't. And it's oh so predictable when they call YOU crazy, or blame you for not fulfilling some need in them. Don't accept that. Trust your gut - God gave us women that instinct, and too often we ignore it. There are guys out there who don't need that kind of thing. It's not fair, to be compared. It makes us feel inadequate, cause I know I am never going to be what they see on that screen.

You're right...old habits are immensely difficult to break. I think now I've become a lot more guarded, less trusting. He manipulated me so deeply and with his intense love and intense anger made me feel as if I had gone way too far in to turn back.
Yes with the mother issues. He wanted me to replace his mother after she passed. His mother was his world. He wanted me to do every thing his mother did for him, even separate the meat from his bones and wrap his meals and feed him, plus be his wife he could do as he wished with. And emphasized I could not say no since I was the only one who could "help" him.

Gaining a lot more insight now.

Wow. I went through this with someone who I had planned to have a longterm with, fell in love, then I found out he had recently gone back on meth three months into our dating. He was acting really mean and cheating right in front of my nose.

Now I remember, when I first met him, we were at a pool party. I told my friends and him there, all new friends at the time, that I really did not like people who did methamphetamine or cheating boyfriends.

Well, this nut did exactly that: He got on meth, treated me like shit, and humiliated me by screwing other women, then he tells me 'has a romance with meth', and now two years later, he still hasn't gotten over it. He has current girlfriend threatening to kick my ass, calling me names I don't deserve to be called who is 27 years old. Well, I'm 48 and I can't believe this High School type of BS is going on, so I left this circle of friends, most of them slackers anyway. During the course of the courtship with him, I find out he raped someone in his twenties, had a long assault rap sheet.

I thought that too: Am I naive. No, I think there is s trend of so-called activitists trying to make people accept drugs, porno, and sloth in some networks of men, meaning exactly what he did to you: He was into porn and you said that was a reason you'd break up with him. Well, he tried to get you to accept porn, just like this asshole I went with tried to get me on methamphetamine. I think he hates only because I never ended up tweaking on the shit. Well, he looks at porn too.

Men are really being a holes these days. There are a lot of them networking online, so a lot of them will play the same BS games as the rest of them in my small town. As my x boyfriend tried to get me to accept meth and cheating assholes, exactly what I had told him I would not put up with, it sounds like your fiance or husband was into porn all along, then decided to get you to accept it by leaving some on his phone. It's not a mistake he left it on the phone, now it sounds he's talking going further with porn, with you involved. This is exactly how my x tried to get me involved in meth, then later S and M porno ugly sex. I threw him out my door with a box of his clothes in flyign through the air. I stopped it right when I knew he was some pimp or lure. I'm saying yours is a pimp or lure, but mine was. I am stil calling the cops on his current total slut girlfriend whenever she puts me and my friends in danger: Of course, she has borderline personality disorder. She likes ot hurt people. I stay away from her circle.

So, all because I said I was against meth in a wellness center where people are sober and there to have healthy relationships, I get punished by this criminal who was not there at all for wellness, by falling for his romeo BS, then I was stuck with tweaking, cheating, mean meth user, just like I said I wanted to avoid. What an a hole. I feel so much hatred for him now while writing this. I get so angry. I cna't believe I could feel so much hate. I later found out he is also a Nihilist: No wonder he's put his current girlfriend up to trying to eliminate me as much as she can: punch my nice teeth out, ruin my looks, ruin my network of friends, and beat me up or down. None would work. I just put the police on her and they chase her off. She's so stupid.