Tend your own garden, Robfed and pay less attention to his. If he's an abusive asshole then his model gfs are all experiencing the "joy" of knowing the abuser. His life may appear to be better on the surface, but deep down is his life really better than yours?

You have your freedom and the chance to regain the most important thing in your life, yourself. Believe what I say, I have been there.

Hugs to you for your pain...

Hi Robfed, first of all I would like to say thank you for your reply to my post. And second, I would like to offer a hug. OMG do I EVER know how you feel. As I'm sure you gathered from my cry for help, I am going through exactly the same thing.

I wish I had some answer as to how to help us to let go. I only know that when I left my stbxdh, it took several months until that heartache feeling went away. It's been a year and a half and I can now think about him in a mentally clear way. I also needed to mention that he was abusive as well.

I also went through the feeling that everything was so much better for him. He got the car, he had a job he had this and he had that and he didn't really care that I was gone. Well payback is a bitch and 3 months after I left, his Mom and Stepdad were killed in a fire AND he lost his job because he failed a drug test AND he lost the car and whenever I go to his Myspace profile, he is usually unhappy so life for him is not the rosy picture I thought it was.

I know it is hard but I can speak from experience. My life with both of these men was a dead end. If I had continued to stay with my ex bf, he would have sucked more and more of the life out of me and that's why, at all costs, I will not go back to him no matter how bad it hurts.

I compare this experience to having a cancerous tumor removed and the healing period that follows. Yes there is pain from the removal but eventually, you will be free of that cancer that would eat you up inside.

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. I know how bad it hurts. If you look on my pics, it will tell the story of what I have gone through in the last several weeks. I am here any time you need to vent or just need a hug. We CAN get through this. I think it's important to look toward the future. It does get better but it takes time. Hugs of comfort and strength to you Robfed. If you can, go do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.

Rob, first of all...don't beat yourself up for not being able to let go. There's no rule that it's takes X amount of time to get over a major hurt. You are having these feelings for a reason. Maybe the longer you feel them the more enlightened you will become. Who knows? Secondly, there's external power and internal power. Materialistic things...talent...if not used properly will always remain external power. What you don't see is God gave you INTERNAL power. YOU have the ability to love deeper and purer, think more wisely, and "feel" what he may never be able to. Who truly has the gift? I relate to you. What brought me here was an ex-boyfriend but before him was a now ex-husband. We divorced 5 years go. He has a lot of external power...a scientist who discovered molecules. Knows all the big wigs. I felt duped, like the rug was pulled out from under me....like a nobody but not anymore. (He wanted out of the marriage).I went through hell and back more than once trying to deal with my anger toward my ex husband. My healing did not follow a straight path. I was all over the place...2 steps forward, one back, one to the side, this angle that angle, you get the idea. I actually wanted him dead and that isn't like me. Long story short, I was told to "get over it" by many people. That made me feel more like a failure. Well, I did eventually get over it...but only when I was ready to. I learned not to judge my ex-husband. Something clicked one day - I was on a code (when someone's heart stops) at work and the man I saw made me think of my ex husband dying and I wanted to cry...I did not wish this man ill will. I did not want my children to loose their father. My point is, it happened...I let go, but it took a lot of effort to get there. I flooded my mind with self help books and spirituality and learned to let go. I prayed a lot too.
Rob, I see you as someone very special and I'm not saying this to make you feel better.
I'm impressed with your wisdom. You have gifts Rob and you are using your gifts to help others. xo-K

Thank you everyone :) You really put a smile in my face and made my back bone a little stronger. I guess moments are weakness are to be expected. I looked him up today on his teams website. Why the fell did I do that!! Crap. Anyways, I need to worry about myself and hopefully I will get the message that I am so much better without him. This is going to be the hardest thing to let go of.

is he playing mind games? I have had the experience where I thought my husband left then he just let himself back in like nothing had happened

No he is not playing mind games. He wanted me to move to the city he plays hockey in, basically leave my life and my career. After many many many years and chances his behavior and treatment stayed the same. It was destructive and damaging, and go figure always my fault. I finally got up the nerve, after he called me a dirty whore and an hours worth of other colorful comments for going to a concert with my pregnant married friend, to get out of this. I told him flat out that I couldn't move with him because I think he is abusive and controlling, that I didn't want to waste his time and I wanted to be honest with myself and him and putting up and agreeing to this treatment was a lie. He laughed and told me to never call him again and if I did he would make a myspace page of private pictures of me and put them out for eveyone to see, to expose the "real" me. I haven't heard from him since and I haven't tried to contact him.
I was dumb enough to look him up today and she him on his team website being praised and looking like a frickin' star. I hate wishing bad upon him and I know that it's anger that I haven't completely forgiven him yet. But I wish I could just detach from him, let this all go. He seriously broke me and hurt me so much. Although if he was here he would tell you how much I hurt and destroyed him. I'm just feeling defeated right now. It sucks :(

I so understand you, since I split up with my X (more than 6 months now) I have read books and read posts and I am beginning to understand the Dr Jeckel and Mr Hyde... that I was in love with Dr Jeckel and hated Mr Hyde. So the bad times you are going through and the thought of getting in touch, is that Dr Jeckel you want in your life? I long to talk to my X in the bad times but it is not the reality that I want and need... the reality is that I have peace in my life.. I am a tad bored but I have to kick myself often to remind myself of what it was REALLY like. Just waiting for him to come home from the pub.. will he be drunk and horrible and abusive or drunk and wonderful.. but it is Friday night so he would have been drunk and snoring within five mins of sitting down .. I know I am better off but I miss him... I miss Dr Jeckel... is this helpful at all or am I just sounding off??