Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Survivors who come to places
like this are here to get and
give support. Our hearts and
souls have been trampled on,
stomped on and tossed out
the window. If we're here,
we're somewhere in the
process of our healing journey.
Because of abuse, many of
us have issues with trust. In
some cases we don't trust
at all. In other cases, we
trust too easily. Sometimes
we'll do both on the same day.
Here's how I decide whether a
new post (or new poster), is a
bonafide victim/survivor or an
abuser looking to prey on the
generoristy of our wanting-to-
support-others heart. . . . . . an
"alarm puller," . . . . like someone
out in the community who falsely
pulls a fire alarm, to get to see
people run in all directions and
hear the sirens screaming to the
scene of the reported emergency:
What's my decision-making process?
I GO WITH MY GUT.
I have a pretty fair sense of human
reaction and human behavior. If I
read something and it sounds
awful but possible (within the
realm of the worst of human
behavior), I respond with my
best sincerity. If I'm wrong, well,
so I was taken in. If I wasn't
wrong, hopefully I provided some
needed support.
But if what I read sounds over-the-
top in regards to drama or trauma,
. . . . or if the way it's presented
sounds "histrionic". . . . like a
two year-old throwing a tantrum
(who then totally stops if the
"audience" turns and walks
into another room).. . . . . I tend
to get a feeling in my gut that says:
too much. . . too much!
(Yes. . . . I'm referring to a
recent post that happily was
recognized for what it apparently
is.)
We're all here, hoping that it's
a safe place to express ourselves.
Generally, it is. That's why I've been
participating here for four years, now.
But it's not perfect. No place is perfect.
As we heal, one of the things we
need to address is learning how
to construct and maintain stronger,
healthier BOUNDARIES. This requires
that we develop assessment tools to
determine if someone we meet, in
person or on-line, has enough
self-respect to be respectful
of others. For the purpose of
full disclosure, I'll tell you right
now that I don't have a perfect
record here, even over recent
years. But it's definitely better
than long ago. That means that
better assessment tools can be
developed (which is the GOOD
news).
The only problem with having
an open and loving heart, is that
we're more vulnerable to predators.
But if we also, develop some reasonable
abillity to screen out situations or people
who may be running an agenda of
manipulation and control. . . . .
then we can proceed with
confidence. . . . that we have
the wherewithal to protect
ourself from predation. We
can trust that if we do make
a mistake in judgement, we'll
be able to see it sooner than
later, and step away with the
least damage possible.
SELF-CARE and
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
YYYYYyyyyyyyaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
like this are here to get and
give support. Our hearts and
souls have been trampled on,
stomped on and tossed out
the window. If we're here,
we're somewhere in the
process of our healing journey.
Because of abuse, many of
us have issues with trust. In
some cases we don't trust
at all. In other cases, we
trust too easily. Sometimes
we'll do both on the same day.
Here's how I decide whether a
new post (or new poster), is a
bonafide victim/survivor or an
abuser looking to prey on the
generoristy of our wanting-to-
support-others heart. . . . . . an
"alarm puller," . . . . like someone
out in the community who falsely
pulls a fire alarm, to get to see
people run in all directions and
hear the sirens screaming to the
scene of the reported emergency:
What's my decision-making process?
I GO WITH MY GUT.
I have a pretty fair sense of human
reaction and human behavior. If I
read something and it sounds
awful but possible (within the
realm of the worst of human
behavior), I respond with my
best sincerity. If I'm wrong, well,
so I was taken in. If I wasn't
wrong, hopefully I provided some
needed support.
But if what I read sounds over-the-
top in regards to drama or trauma,
. . . . or if the way it's presented
sounds "histrionic". . . . like a
two year-old throwing a tantrum
(who then totally stops if the
"audience" turns and walks
into another room).. . . . . I tend
to get a feeling in my gut that says:
too much. . . too much!
(Yes. . . . I'm referring to a
recent post that happily was
recognized for what it apparently
is.)
We're all here, hoping that it's
a safe place to express ourselves.
Generally, it is. That's why I've been
participating here for four years, now.
But it's not perfect. No place is perfect.
As we heal, one of the things we
need to address is learning how
to construct and maintain stronger,
healthier BOUNDARIES. This requires
that we develop assessment tools to
determine if someone we meet, in
person or on-line, has enough
self-respect to be respectful
of others. For the purpose of
full disclosure, I'll tell you right
now that I don't have a perfect
record here, even over recent
years. But it's definitely better
than long ago. That means that
better assessment tools can be
developed (which is the GOOD
news).
The only problem with having
an open and loving heart, is that
we're more vulnerable to predators.
But if we also, develop some reasonable
abillity to screen out situations or people
who may be running an agenda of
manipulation and control. . . . .
then we can proceed with
confidence. . . . that we have
the wherewithal to protect
ourself from predation. We
can trust that if we do make
a mistake in judgement, we'll
be able to see it sooner than
later, and step away with the
least damage possible.
SELF-CARE and
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.
YYYYYyyyyyyyaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
The shame of it is, every single person on this board has been abused, some recently, some not so recently. We all have our own crosses, and whilst we do that, try to heal, laying bare our soul in the hope of a friendly and supportive hand, it is yet another abuse to us that people would come on here and lie about situations, lives. It makes me feel sick to the pit of my stomach that this happens and hope that these people are at the very least confronted and made to feel as unwanted as they are.
And beansprout? I agree with what you say, but I also think that even the trolls and the abusers on this board have something to teach us. And it's along the lines of what Ilene said, which is that we are getting better at spotting them, better at learning to deal with them. When I started here, I would either fall hook line and sinker for a troll, or else I'd want to fight them. Neither one is a great option, and so I had to fight those tendencies. Today, when I saw that post, I just let it be - there was no fighting myself, I just easily let it be.
As well as that, I think the way this community responds to the bad stuff (and there has been some very bad stuff in the nearly 3 years I've been here) also strengthens the community and helps us all.
I'm not saying trolls are a GOOD thing. Just that some good can come from them, despite their best efforts.
And then I wonder who it actually is? is it someone who is looking for someone specific on here? I hope not, but I know for a fact that my ex found me on here - how that happened I will never know. I just think we need to be super vigilant.
Don't get me wrong, I'd prefer there were never any trolls and liars on this board. But I do think there are lessons to be learned from the few who give it a go. And from the fact that very few last long.
but then I got wise-could actually tell by the writing the style that it was all the same person...
and now I'm pretty careful with any new poster-you can usually tell who's trolling...
I haven't seen this post yet..I'm still just wiping the sleep out of my eyes...
I just wonder what kind of emotional stuff people like this are going through. there's someone in my real life who used to do stuff like this quite a bit..I think there's a bit of a personality disorder things going on with her...
That doesn't say I'm a fool--just that I'm trying to help and they've got some stuff to work on.
Sometimes though--very rarely, I will see someone post something on here that makes them look like the abuser...and then I try to help too--to just say what I think is best without igniting any anger in them for their "abuser"/target.
The only time I can remember, was when a grandmother came on here complaining about her child-grandchild and how she was rude to her and calling the child abusive. I don't believe in calling most children abusive (maybe some very very rare exceptions such as child psychopaths that harm animals and endanger family members). So I just suggested she keep her boundaries and if the child is too much, as her mother to find another babysitter.
I watched the reaction in myself and the self talk I had about it. And used it to boost my self talk to a higher level.
It's such a shame that we have people in the world who are just looking to prey on others. It really is weird to me. I can't fathom what it must be like in those people's minds and world. Must be a dark place.
I find it sad as we come here because we have been abused in real life and we are trying to heal. We sure don't need more abuse, manipulation and lies.
Now I have to wonder about what I have shared, who I have trusted with it and if I will continue on...
Sad really.