Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I mean, my husband blatantly and obviously disregards me, unless he needs me for something, or just to say whatever he needs to in passing.
Oh, he will totally deny it. But for example, yesterday morning after the kids left for school, both of us were in the front of the house seeing them off. When the kids left, he turned off all the lights in that part of the house on his way to the room to get ready for work. But I was still in the room! I mean, just turned all the lights off, didn't ask me if I still needed them or anything! Not the first time this has happened.
And one thing he does is he will hear me in the bathroom, and will walk right in, not say one word to me or about me, do whatever he needs to, and then leave. And I am looking at him like, excuse you?? Just rude. But then a few minutes later came back in, still not another word to me before using the toilet! I mean, really!
And I have gotten used to it, in a way, or maybe I just gave up saying anything about the behaviors, becaue it is pointless, but the other morning when he did it, I asked him, "You don't have any respect for me, do you?" He was like, "What?? I do!"
I reminded him he yet again just strolled into the bathroom on me like I wasn't even there. He told me he heard the water running, and he knocked but didn't get a response and he had to get some wipes for the kids so he just came on in, and the second time he had to pee so...
I was like, "Nah you don't just do that. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate." He asked how it was disrespectful when he knocked! Can you believe that?
So I asked him what I did when the tables were turned. He said he didn't know. I told him I knock and then wait to hear a response before walking in. He got mad and said that from now on he just won't come in. I was like, really? You would rather not come in at all than to show me some respect?? Really??
I was thinking, you just wait, mister, I will be out of here in a couple more days and you can be as rude and inconsiderate as you want to be all by yourself.
Oh, he will totally deny it. But for example, yesterday morning after the kids left for school, both of us were in the front of the house seeing them off. When the kids left, he turned off all the lights in that part of the house on his way to the room to get ready for work. But I was still in the room! I mean, just turned all the lights off, didn't ask me if I still needed them or anything! Not the first time this has happened.
And one thing he does is he will hear me in the bathroom, and will walk right in, not say one word to me or about me, do whatever he needs to, and then leave. And I am looking at him like, excuse you?? Just rude. But then a few minutes later came back in, still not another word to me before using the toilet! I mean, really!
And I have gotten used to it, in a way, or maybe I just gave up saying anything about the behaviors, becaue it is pointless, but the other morning when he did it, I asked him, "You don't have any respect for me, do you?" He was like, "What?? I do!"
I reminded him he yet again just strolled into the bathroom on me like I wasn't even there. He told me he heard the water running, and he knocked but didn't get a response and he had to get some wipes for the kids so he just came on in, and the second time he had to pee so...
I was like, "Nah you don't just do that. It is disrespectful and inconsiderate." He asked how it was disrespectful when he knocked! Can you believe that?
So I asked him what I did when the tables were turned. He said he didn't know. I told him I knock and then wait to hear a response before walking in. He got mad and said that from now on he just won't come in. I was like, really? You would rather not come in at all than to show me some respect?? Really??
I was thinking, you just wait, mister, I will be out of here in a couple more days and you can be as rude and inconsiderate as you want to be all by yourself.
set up to get away from him?
I hope so!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There is nothing you can do to
counter his abuse. The only
meaningful answer is to get
yourself away from the abuse.
Have you been in touch with the
local women's center? If not,
you might want to consider
giving them a visit.
I read your journal and know you're
dealing with physical issues, along
with his abuse. Please take good
care of yourself!
I'd put a chain lock on the door until you leave if you think that would help. I don't know your circumstances, so you might be careful with that. If he's been physically abusive, then you don't want to trigger him. So, it may be best to just wait it out until you leave.
I know you must feel incredibly frustrated to deal with a person that clearly does not respect you and your boundaries. But, that's what abusers do. They are habitual line-crossers. LOL. So, stand firm in your boundaries and try to get away from him ASAP. It will not get better.
You deserve better!
He's all about "boundaries ' ( our daughters haven't lived here for years - they're both married. However I"m not allowed to touch anything in "their" rooms- that's crossing a boundary. Even when they have told me to ""get rid of that stupid thing if it's in your way", I'm not allowed to , Or he doesn't believe that the daughter told me I could do whatever.
For eons now I've heard "I don't believe a word you say ". So what's the point in talking when I"m going to hear that? However I can't leave at the moment. I am disabled and only receive 500 dollars a month , and have to pay the car upkeep ( registration, repairs, etc) . I went to an abuse support group and a gal mentioned getting a divorce , and it cost 12,000 dollars. I have the total of 3200. ( And if he knew that, he'd make me take on more household responsibilities.. That's a different story.
He just came in from a walk, and I said 'hi" , but nothing from him. We are living separate lives, and he's happy as a clam . The people i talk to say he knows he has me over a barrel because I'll be far worse off financially if I leave him. ( Even if I divorce him, he doesn't have money) .
I guess our theme song is "Sounds of Silence" . I know what you're going through. -H
Yep, I think most of us can relate to this. If I am upstairs and it is bedtime, all of the lights in the house go out....I mean these things go on and on. They live alone in their minds, just in a slef centered place. The end....
SOunds of silence....yep, that too. Roomates....yep, that too....happy as a clam....yep that too. Yeeeesh....they all were in the same Abuser 101!!!!
Over the years I have gotten to where I just ignore the behaviors so he doesn't get a reaction, and I "live my life" as if I really don't care if he does ignore me, unless it is something that really needs addressing - kids, certain bills, etc. It actually doesn't make me feel better about the marriage, though, because I don't like unresolved issues and tension.
But I didn't put life or responsibilities on hold trying to please him. Inside it actually does eat me up (especially when I have a doc apptmt and he "accidentally" took the wrong vehicle keys to work so I can't get where I need to be, or he gets paid and there is no food in the house and I am in the line at the grocery store and can't buy food because there is literally $0.20or less in the account - yeah he will take every cent out of the account without a word, and then dare me to ask for any money. BTW I hardly ever use "his money" to buy myself anything anymore, so the groceries are not for me alone) because I made the choice to love him through all we have been through over the years, but I don't let him see that it hurts anymore.
But the other day I was flaring and exhausted (health issues) and I was not in the mood for the crap he was pulling. So I brought the issue out. Sometimes I do lock the bathroom door, which was something I started doing because of this very reason, but that morning I was not thinking about it.
I am beyond sick of this, especially since he told me in Novemeber that after 14 years and 4 children, we have nothing between us and for our anniversary we have nothing to celebrate. Reduced our marriage to nothing. He did this over the years with cheating and treating me like he doesn't value me or our marriage, but when he came out and said that, I figured it was time for me to move on and stop wasting my time trying to fight for us. I am tired of fighting alone.
I am leaving here in a few days with my babies, moving to a house my mom has been working on for us. She closes on this Thursday! Yay and yippee!
After 9.5 years I was told I would never make him happy basically b/c I was so horrible and all of our problems stemmed from ME being the worst person ever. He even told me to stop referring to him as my best friend b/c he liked talking to people he "dug up off facebook" more than someone he spent 9.5 years with. Our last conversation/biggest fight ever has scarred me so much, and what I've put here isn't even anywhere near the worst of it.
I know how it feels when they reduce everything you have worked hard for day after day to NOTHING. Sickening, but they are the ones who really have nothing after we leave!