I've been there (we've probably ALL been there).

I went through a long point where I gave up. stopped eating, showering, wore the same clothes for days and days..was a zombie.

felt like I would never get out.

for me it was guilt, like I didn't have the right to leave.

and it felt futile, like I'd never make it.

and then there were the kids... how would I deal with all of this.

that's why the shelter was such a good idea. I felt like I could just go there and collapse in safety.

have you called your local shelter and spoken to anyone?

it could be just as easy as getting into a cab and going there, and being free.

the guilt you feel is that he believes that he owns you, that you don't have the right.

they make us believe that.

it's like when slaves tried to escape, and would 'get in trouble' for running away.

their owners 'believed' that they owned their slaves.

and their slaves believed it too (not all of them, though!!)

I felt horribly guilty for leaving, as if I stole something from him.

and he is angry!

he totally believes that I stole something from him.

he still believes that I belong to him. he may believe it forever.

but I don't believe it any more,

and that's what matters.

I too have been there. Am STILL there to a certain degree. The depression comes in waves. The guilt, pain, fear, shame and over all anxiety is normal in these cases I believe.

Get help!

You don't have
to do this alone!!!!!!!

Battling depression myself and I am not currently with my abuser. I really would only offer the advice to seek help wherever you can get it. I have realized this..no one will do it for you. I came here and it has helped some, but I require more as I have been through so many types of abuse and I have issues yet from childhood.
I myself have made a Dr appmt to try to get anti-depression or anti-anxiety meds and a good therapist.
Living where I do, its hard to get a dr that understands or find a therapist that specializes in what I am needing.
I guess all I can do for myself is try and hope for the best.

I notice alot of people believe in self care. If possible do something for yourself, whether it be buying an outfit you want, watching the things you want to watch on T.V., or a nice bubble bath, things like that. I hope it gets better, wishing you brighter days.

I have been in couseling at my womens shelter here for the past 2 months, it does feel good to have an outlet but im still here. I am going to set up a meeting with the legal advocate and the childrens advocate for legal advice and how to help my son through this once i leave. Ideally i would like to be out October 1st and thats what im going to shoot for even though i still have so many doubts that i can actually do it. But i need to for my health, this depression anxiety is killing me slowly and i fear i will have a heart attack sooner rather than later, i need to save myself and my son, i just feel so lost and tired, exhausted if it wasn't for my son I wouldn't get out of bed in the morning.

I've felt like you, and left and then went back twice. Now I'm there again. The thing is your strong enough to leave even though you have doubt and hesitation. Remember your value as a human being, nobody deserves to be hurt over and over. I'm pulling on my own strength to leave once again. You can leave! Keep telling yourself that.