Don't be so hard on yourself. It happens.

The things that they do leave us feeling ashamed, I think they prey on their victims goodness...like you "lending" him money. In my opinion you are only a person w a kind heart. They r goo at what they do and for some reason, at least for me..it is like he knows what triggers to use to get me to comply. So yes, no contact is very important. But I think that you will get thru this. You are not the only person who has been duped and left feeling like this, so you are not alone andreabee. Hugs.

I am so mad at myself right now. I feel like I need to start this process all over again.

The process will b easier this time I bet. It's him u shd b mad at..he's the idiot. I've done the same thing, not with money, but other ways, I hope u don't stay mad at yourself for long, bcz we've all been there. Cut yourself some slack.

It's so hard for me to grasp that people can be such lowlifes.

I am also astounded at the level that an abuser will go. Andrea, I understand what u r going thru, in part, each one of us has her/his own story. But when an abuser is trying to make contact and we don't comply, they can be horrible, terribly abusive. I also went thru this today. Mine is threatening something related to revoking my bail so I may have to do what he says. I am sick over it.

I've heard them being referred to as predators and it is so true. Try and stay strong. I blv their is no choice except to work thru it, hopefully on constructive ways, not always easy.

And that last comment is why you are not, as you feel, back at square one. Because, hard as it is, you ARE beginning to grasp that some people can be such lowlifes.

As Elena said, we have all been there. We have all been conned out of one more "loan", one more time having sex, one more try at the relationship, one more something. The key is to stop beating ourselves up about it, but instead take the lesson and move on. Yes, he conned you again - but remember (as Elena said so well) who the subject of that sentence is, who the one doing the bad is - HE conned you. HE is the one who should be ashamed, should be angry with himself, should be beating himself up. We all know he won't be thinking any of that, but that doesn't mean you have to take the shame and embarrassment on yourself.

Old habits die hard, we have all spent our relationships taking on the blame and humiliation for what they did. But it's not right and not fair. Instead of beating yourself up for what he did, pat yourself on the back for being such a warm, compassionate person that you couldn't just sit back and have him struggle in whatever bs way he used to beg you for the money. Be proud of yourself that, even after what he has done to you, you don't want to see him suffer. And then erect stronger boundaries against his attacks.

Remember too, that defensive boundaries are not offensive. You are not hurting anyone by protecting yourself.

Thanks for all the great support. I was just going to keep all this to myself, not tell the therapist and not tell my DS family. I needed to be totally honest with me about all of this. Some day the Karma god will get people who do things like this.

I'm glad you decided not to keep it to yourself. Shame flourishes in the dark, but it shrinks from the light.

I hope you will feel better soon, and back on track. Remember that this is a backslide, we've all had them, but sometimes a backslide is necessary to find a better path.

Livin, you are right. I am in a relapse right now. My thinking is so screwed up because I have been messing with him and that's what he does to me. I have to now move on and get my Zen back and get my shit together.

Yes, I'm glad that you decided to talk about. It's not healthy to hold that in. I've heard that creats health problems. But anyway, please be patient with yourself while you get back on track and most importantly kind.

Hello Andrea!

I just wanted to offer my support as well. Listen, abusers are masters of their trade!!

I went back to my husband 3 different times, believing that THIS time was different. Ugh and ugh some more! It will never be different and I think we kinda know that, but they take advantage of our forgiving hearts Andrea. They are just like vultures circling a weakened animal, waiting to pounce. They don't stop until they've picked our carcass clean.

I understand you being upset with yourself, but remember this was somebody you loved, and that is exactly what they count on, when they come back to us with big promising eyes.

((hugs)) Cindy

Everyone has said all the important things, but I just wanted to add...

PLEASE don't beat yourself up over this!!! They do that to us already.

We love you, and we know what he did to you. This stuff is NOT easy, not by a long shot. I would also like to echo what Cindy just said about you loving him. Remember that the love was really only on your side, so it's your humanity that you're having to fight to get away from him. No picnic at all...

Take care of yourself and massive hugs xxx

I recently realised something about human nature that explains why we go back and we can't fathom how anyone could be so cruel.

Everyone usually operates from their own perspectives. This is how we view the world. So how we would think and feel about something we find it hard to switch that part of us off when we I suppose judge or guess what someone else will see. Everyone comes from their own frame of reference, it's normal.

So when we get it, when we see that change needs to take place and can by doing x,y and z, it's hard to grasp that the abuser isn't in this frame of reference. To us it's simple, we have our eyes wide open, they continue to keep theirs shut. So when we give another chance (in which ever way that is) part of us subconsciously thinks that the abuser is also in our frame of reference, would have realised, would be seeing it like we see it. The truth is that they are just really good at giving off that impression without having to actively open their eyes and see.

And the same goes for the abuser. They see the world through their own frame of reference. Because they come from a dark place. One where you use people they naturally accuse their victims of using them, plus this is a double sided victory because they also get many advantages in doing so, like getting what they want, hiding their true selves and passively dealing with their dark side through another without having to look directly at themselves.

The difference in us vs them is that we look inwards. We don't hide. Naturally We don't see the world as a bad place! We are "the glass is half full" population! That is why we are kind, why we know that there is another way, we why see it and can't understand how they don't!

But there is an opposite to pretty much everything, so perhaps (this is just a theory) the abuser is the opposite to us!

So yeah, it's hard to accept that people choose to exist in the way abusers do, but just remember, if we exist then so do they and that really the advantage we do have ourselves is the ability to ask why and to look within, unlike the abusive people who always ask why me and blame other people.

Don't forget that wonderful quality you have and continue asking why, by doing so, by doing what your already doing, you'll grow and you'll defiantly outgrow him!!

Don't be so hard on yourself. That's why you go NC. Abusers are very good at what they do. They know our weakness, and prey on us. You are not alone. He is the one at fault, not you. And you do need to start the process all over again...and you will. And this time, you are going to stick to what your gut is telling you. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. All of us have been there in one way or another. Take care of you.

Andrea ----

Healing is not linear.
It's more like a zig zag.

Love yourself and
take care of yourself.

If you do that,
you're going
to be okay.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.