Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I know many of you are familiar with my situation, please bear with me as I am trying to decide whether to leave or stay. I am stressed to the point of ill health over my marriage. My H is constantly expressing his dissatisfaction with our relationship, telling me how I am not emotionally available, not close to him, dont talk enough etc. I constantly feel stressed because he badgers me, criticizes me, tells me how awful it is to be married to me etc. So, he feels rejected and is angry, sarcastic and mean to me and I am scared of him and don't want to be around him or talk to him.
Today I was helping him install a new dishwasher in our kitchen. When we pulled the old one out, he discovered that water had leaked down the back of the sink because I had been leaving a chopping board to dry there and was unaware that the water was leaking thru. I then get a huge telling off about how i dont care enough about things, am a bad housekeeper, on and on til i just felt humiliated. He did apologize later and said that he is angry because I withdraw and reject him. I withdraw cos he is angry and mean. So around it goes in this same cycle...we seriously don't have any positive feelings for each other, I only ever feel sick and anxious around him and he feels hurt and rejected by me. This has been going on for 20 years. I can't seem to overcome my feelings of fear and relax around him, it is an involuntary reaction after so long.
I am seriously doubting that after all this time and all the hurt, we could ever have positive regard toward each other or feel comfortable in each others company.
Am I being a fool for staying in a relationship that is so stressful and difficult, where none of my needs are being met? Am I being unfair to him sticking around when I know I don't love him? Am I being unfair to my kids, putting them thru the distress of constantly having tension and arguments in the home? Am I just being a wimp because the thought of
being alone scares me? Hard questions. Does anyone have anything to share?
Today I was helping him install a new dishwasher in our kitchen. When we pulled the old one out, he discovered that water had leaked down the back of the sink because I had been leaving a chopping board to dry there and was unaware that the water was leaking thru. I then get a huge telling off about how i dont care enough about things, am a bad housekeeper, on and on til i just felt humiliated. He did apologize later and said that he is angry because I withdraw and reject him. I withdraw cos he is angry and mean. So around it goes in this same cycle...we seriously don't have any positive feelings for each other, I only ever feel sick and anxious around him and he feels hurt and rejected by me. This has been going on for 20 years. I can't seem to overcome my feelings of fear and relax around him, it is an involuntary reaction after so long.
I am seriously doubting that after all this time and all the hurt, we could ever have positive regard toward each other or feel comfortable in each others company.
Am I being a fool for staying in a relationship that is so stressful and difficult, where none of my needs are being met? Am I being unfair to him sticking around when I know I don't love him? Am I being unfair to my kids, putting them thru the distress of constantly having tension and arguments in the home? Am I just being a wimp because the thought of
being alone scares me? Hard questions. Does anyone have anything to share?
So, I would say to you, you will know when you need to get out.
He is emotionally abusive. At best, you do both need couples counseling......Your health insurance may pay for it.
Meyers
The thought of being alone has scared most of us. It absolutely terrified me. But I haven't had a moment's regret. I'm glad I left, I'm glad I gave my son a chance to learn to respect me and to be himself respected for expressing his natural compassion. I'm sorry he doesn't have a father in his life, but I'm glad he doesn't have HIS father in his life.
As for being alone... yes, taking that step is scary, but you will be surprised at how great it really is. You will be free from him and his negativity. Your health will improve. Your happiness will return. Your CHILDREN will be happier. You will find that you can do the things you used to depend on him to do for you, and you will feel a great sense of accomplishment for being able to do everything yourself.
My stbx sounds just like your H. You may think that criticizing you is no big deal, but it eventually escalates, as if the crtiticizing wasn't bad enough. You don't have to wait for him to cross another line. I waited, and now I feel like I've wasted 8 years of my life. After 20 years of the same behaviour, he is not going to change for the better, just get worse, and you deserve better.
You are dealing with an abuser.
So (as Livn said).. . . . .
it's NOT about being
fair or unfair.
The pertinent point here is that
YOU'RE DEALING WITH AN ABUSER.
That's the only relevant issue.
So then the question becomes:
do you want to continue living
with an abuser?
If not, there are steps you can take.
If you feel like living with an abuser
is at least "the devil you know,"
then KNOW that
the quality of your life
will spiral downward
until you don't feel
like living anymore.
There is NOTHING you can do
to prevent that from happening.
There is NO WAY to live with an
abuser and achieve any satifaction
or joy in life.
Those are the options.
Shake your world up and
move toward a life that's
free of abuse
or
stay where you are and
become increasingly
miserable, with years
and decades of
emotional suffering.
Time to go?
It's your call.
I remember one time, I had taken out a bunch of movies from Blockbuster, for him, me, the kids..Blockbuster changed their drop off time from 10PM to 10AM (or something like that-the jist of it was, they had had the same cut off time for years, and suddenly changed it in a drastic way, and I had no idea)..
I dropped off those 7 movies late, and got charged $7 (and we were by no means poor at the time, $7 wasn't a big deal to us, it was just an annoying thing).
he was lying in bed, and I was standing there, while he lectured me like a little child, and used the exact wording 'you don't care about our home, about our finances..'
EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!!!!
and I stood there, feeling like a 10 year old, and all I could think about was that 2 weeks before this, he had accidentally ran into a woman's BMW, and because he didn't want it on his insurance, we had paid her $800 cash to have it fixed...and all of the other big ticket mistakes he had made, that I never said a word about, just patted his stupid arm and said 'no worries, babe..it's not a big deal'..
he had ran into a guys fence (he's a garbage man, so sometimes with their big trucks this stuff will happen, but with him it happened too often, that's why he wouldn't tell work, just fix it himself)..so, he ran into a guys fence, and had to go and buy new fence stuff and go fix it..that was probably another $50-60...
and here he is, chiding me over $7, when I had no idea that Blockbuster had changed their hours...
this was just a taste of how unfair things were, how there were so many double standards in our relationship...
(sorry for hijacking your threat there, just had to share because the dishwasher story made me SO MAD!!)
I was afraid to leave, too,...with my two little kids, no job..
it was scary and hard in the beginning, and now, it's like the clouds opened up to reveal a gorgeous rainbow...