Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am truly in agony tonight. I went to his house because he wanted to talk.
Of course we went round and round and round. "He screams at me because I push his buttons. He didn't start screaming at me until I insulted him. He never says anything mean to me until I'm mean to him." He said I scream at him and insult him and I make him feel crazy. Maybe I am the abusive one? I am so confused right now.
Then I told him I was afraid of him, that I thought he put me down, that he insults me all the time and I don't say anything because I'm afraid he'll fly off the handle. I started giving examples of mean things he's said to me. Of course he said, "I never said that to you". I pulled out my journal with dates and exact quotes of things he has said or done. He was in total shock. He said he had no idea he had even been saying those things. He said, still shocked, "Am I verbally abusive to you?" He couldn't believe it. He started crying. He said he was ashamed. Then he started recounting times he had been in fights with other girlfriends and been mean to them. He said he knew he needed to change, that he has been angry at the world, at himself.
I want so bad to believe he'll change...but I'm terrified he won't. He even said himself, in the past he'll get better for awhile and then he'll go through another "Angry period".
He was so sweet and caring tonight. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me and missed me.
Then he begged me to stay. And asked me if it was too late to save "Us". I told him I just can't hurt anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the high highs and low lows.
I hugged him goodbye and sobbed the whole way home. I don't know if this is the right thing to do because it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I love this man with all my heart but I always forget on the good days about the pain he has inflicted on me.
Now I am thinking he'll change, I've given him up, and he'll make some other women the happiest girl in the world.
Ilene's Clarifying Cards are helping and the stack is huge. I cried when I did this excercise because the amount of cards and instances was overwhelming.
The pain swells inside me with waves and waves of despair. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know the pain will go away eventually. I know I will find peace again, but right now my heart just aches. I am physically ill and exhausted...I just want to be happy again.
Of course we went round and round and round. "He screams at me because I push his buttons. He didn't start screaming at me until I insulted him. He never says anything mean to me until I'm mean to him." He said I scream at him and insult him and I make him feel crazy. Maybe I am the abusive one? I am so confused right now.
Then I told him I was afraid of him, that I thought he put me down, that he insults me all the time and I don't say anything because I'm afraid he'll fly off the handle. I started giving examples of mean things he's said to me. Of course he said, "I never said that to you". I pulled out my journal with dates and exact quotes of things he has said or done. He was in total shock. He said he had no idea he had even been saying those things. He said, still shocked, "Am I verbally abusive to you?" He couldn't believe it. He started crying. He said he was ashamed. Then he started recounting times he had been in fights with other girlfriends and been mean to them. He said he knew he needed to change, that he has been angry at the world, at himself.
I want so bad to believe he'll change...but I'm terrified he won't. He even said himself, in the past he'll get better for awhile and then he'll go through another "Angry period".
He was so sweet and caring tonight. He held me while I cried and told me he loved me and missed me.
Then he begged me to stay. And asked me if it was too late to save "Us". I told him I just can't hurt anymore. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of the high highs and low lows.
I hugged him goodbye and sobbed the whole way home. I don't know if this is the right thing to do because it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced. I love this man with all my heart but I always forget on the good days about the pain he has inflicted on me.
Now I am thinking he'll change, I've given him up, and he'll make some other women the happiest girl in the world.
Ilene's Clarifying Cards are helping and the stack is huge. I cried when I did this excercise because the amount of cards and instances was overwhelming.
The pain swells inside me with waves and waves of despair. I know tomorrow is a new day. I know the pain will go away eventually. I know I will find peace again, but right now my heart just aches. I am physically ill and exhausted...I just want to be happy again.
i think that he knows what he did, he remembers, he was shocked that you wrote it down, not that you made him recall. he asked if he was verbally abusive, because he knows that he is. these 'anger periods', they will continue forever so dont think he will make some other girl the happiest in the world because it will just get worse as time goes by.
you sound relatively young..just b/c of his reaction. there's an old saying..you can't teach an old dog new tricks..he's well on his way to becoming an old dog already. he's set in his ways already. he knows he's been behaving like this for years & he knows he wont change, just simply b/c he admitted doing this in the past. if he was going to change, if it was important to him, he would have made changes the minute he realized he was being abusive but instead he decided to justify it somehow in his messed up mind.
you sound like a really smart lady, you know what to expect and recognize your feelings.
you will make it through this, just dont fall for the mr. nice guy right now, instead look fwd to the day you meet and fall in love with a genuine mr. nice guy who is nice all the time
big hugs sweetie!!
xoxo
gogo
THAT IS CALLED: CRAZYMAKING AND MANIPULATION.
Please get Lundy Bancraft's book: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry Controlling Men.
You will get a good understanding of how so cleverly abusers confuse their victims into thinking "everything is their fault."
I went through that for 12 years...I constantly blamed myself for alot. It caused me alot of hurt and pain.
My ex-abuser managed to get me out of a women's shelter with his heartfelt apologies and total horror and utter shame at his bad behaviour. I was furnished with written undertakings from him not to abuse again, a copy of a letter from his GP fast-tracking him for therapy and a whole host of other reassurances that he was intent on mending his evil ways. His good behaviour lasted less than 2 weeks.
No contact would be the best course of action for you right now, as any contact with him will confuse and hurt you more. Please take care of yourself and remain strong.
Much much much kudos to you for your strength, your awareness, your clarity and your courage!
You're gonna make it. I just feel it. This stuff is super hard, but you CAN get through it.
The others are right, he's not going to change. He admits he was abusive to previous girlfriends, but has never done anything to change. He hasn't even offered change, not really. Just says he knows he should - but what actual proactive steps has he taken to change? He says he needs to change, then says you should stay anyway, before any change.
Nut uh sister - you done great. I really am sorry for your pain, I understand the ill and exhausted. But you have taken a huge step towards that happiness you are seeking.
I can't wait for you to meet a man that will treat you with respect, even when he does get upset about something :-) You deserve the best!
Lundy Bancroft's book is essential for all of us. Not only does it explain what is going on, it also shows what needs to happen for an abuser to have true repentance and what to look out for when you do move on.
A HUGE hug to you!!!
Way to go!
You can think all day long that your love and support will help him change. But that is an illusion. You do not have the training or ability to help anyone any more than I do. We are powerless.
If you are wondering if its "YOU" who is causing it, well just strike that off your list. Its not you. I don't believe for one moment that "we" signed up to be abused. What we do do however, is react to the abuse. And sometimes we do and say things "reacting". Cut yourself some slack and walk away. It will be the best gift you could ever give yourself.
Once you have been abused by someone it never stops! Even if you set boundaries and keep them at bay and try to maintain a civil relationship, they still abuse you. You are supply to them. Any reaction, response, or action on your part supplies them.
Walking away and no contact are the only tools you have in your arsenal. And all this does is stop them from abusing you and you giving them play in your life.
Keep the card handy. I have been out 4 years and recently had to refer to them again. It allowed me to continue the "no contact" boundaries that I have set up for this person.
Hope and healing to you and good luck.
Yes. Recovery from abuse
could be one of the hardest
things, ever.
You've taken so many steps
toward a better life. Good
for you!
I'm sorry for your pain.
He won't change.
It's kind of sweet
and kind of pathetic
that he may actually
feel badly about his
behavior.
That's a shame for him.
If he worked really hard
with the best therapist
in the world for years
and years and years,
he might be able to
get a little better.
That would be
great for HIM.
He will NEVER make
any partner happy.
He will make every
partner, miserable.
If. . . he worked hard
with the best therapist
in the world for years
and years and years
. . . . he might make
a partner. . . . a little
less miserable.
Let the waves of despair
wash over you and then
wash out to sea. They
will end. You will recover.
Work on yourself.
You're on your way.
Keep reading your
index cards! Keep
writing down more.
(I bet you can!!!!!!!!!)
Much love to you.
Take the very best
care of yourself that
you can.
But, did you notice how contradictory he was? First he accused you of causing him to "scream" at you (acknowledging he knew he yelled, which is the vague term he probably applies to verbal abuse)--then, later, when you hadn't backed down to any of his arguments, he pretended like he didn't even know WHAT he was yelling?
If the man doesn't even have the compassion to consider the words he is screaming at another person, then I doubt he has the compassion and strength to change.
Besides, he only agreed to change after you didn't fall for his other tricks--like blaming you for it.
I'm sure your not the first girl or the last that will beg him to stop verbally abusing her, but I'm glad your walking away.
I met H as he was in abuse counseling for verbally abusing his ex girlfriend--guess what? He didn't change. After a year or so of counseling that didn't seem to help at all, he stopped--now he doesn't even believe in the concept of abuse (unless it's to accuse me of it). Frankly, your boyfriend sounds a lot like my H.
I'm so glad you walked away from him and left--I wish I had been as clear and strong as you and done that long ago.
And those that are, are usually putting up an act (manipulation).
Listen to Artemis's story --wow, for an abuser to go that far in begging back and still resort to abusive behavior, it's amazing how LOST abusers are. My ex didn't even do that, although he promised on numerous occasions that he would change and seek therapy (but in action, never went through with it.)
Psychologists and sociologists have a host of theories around why it is so difficult for abusers to change including attachment theory, socialization in childhood, poor family role models, personality disorders, character disorders, dissociative disorders, underlying patriarchal social structures that covertly and overtly condone gendered domination... yada yada...
But at the end of the day, we, as survivors have to think --am I in a healthy relationship with someone (irrespective of gender)? And if I am not, then why subject yourself to pain, day in and day out? Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is OK in my opinion, but there comes a time when you have given way too many chances and gotten hurt and damaged in the process yourself. Is that worth it? I don't think so. That is why some people give the advice to heed red flags, and make sure you exit soon enough before you get attached to someone. Of course, life doesn't always work that way. We ignore red flags, we give another chance, we hope, but then, there comes a time when we have to pull the curtain on something because it's gotten toxic and unbearable with no end in sight.