Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hey all.
Progress is such a hard thing to measure. Sometimes I fell like I'm making big strides, sometimes I feel stagnant, sometimes I feel like I'm sliding backwards. I've done some things I needed to do for sure. A few weeks ago I had a moment and, for better or worse, left my abusive ex a voicemail, said the few things I still had to say, and when I hung up I deleted her number. I know I still have it, screenshots and whatnot, but it would take effort, and so far I haven't had any urge to dig it up. Doing that required me to let go of a few very important personal items that she's been promising to mail back to me since we broke up in October. She completely lied about one.. (Left it in another country almost a year ago) and hasn't made any effort to get me the other. I had to, but it wasn't easy.
What I'm having a harder time letting go of is anger. The lack of justice in it, maybe. That I have to put myself back together and she just gets to walk away, perhaps onto a new victim. I think about it less, and I'm starting to be able to push those thoughts out of my head before they become a problem, but I'm so tired of being angry. Anger breeds anxiety. Anxiety turns to sad. But angry I remain.
I just don't understand how she could do it. That's what I can't let go.
It bothered me that why certain things didn't get resolved during the marriage. I began to look at myself and who I was back then. I realized that the main reason for the divorce was probably not being able to communicate. I felt that every time he opened his mouth, I was always on the defense! Before I left, I left it up to him to find and make an appointment with a marriage counselor. Well, he never did, so I figured he didn't care foor me or the relationship so I left. 30 days before this, he expressed his love for me and how he didn't want to be alone and thought we should stay together. He never made the appointment so I left.
7 years later he calls me at work. I asked, Why didn't you ever make the appointment! He said, I thought you were joking. YIkes! I was dead serious when I expressed this. Again, he failed to communicate the REAL REASON! He invited me to go for coffee or tea some time. I refused. I had instant anger the minute I heard his voice on the phone. Nothing changed in me towards him. He left his number with me so I also used this opportunity to ask him about things he said or did during the marriage, why he was not understanding or mean to me. I, also, felt that I was the victim and he was the bully in that marriage.
I left at least 3 times during the marriage, I gave him plenty of chances to repair his problems, but he never did. I've spent about 5 years trying to resolve some stuff in my head from that marriage. I'm at a better place and I understand a lot of who he was and who I was.
I think most of the problems with a lot of marriages is that most of us don't have GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS and this is why there is a lot of divorces. The problems don't go away then a strong aversion implodes on the person,and nobody knows how to fix it.
I spent years trying to forget which really kept me from moving on. I felt that most of the problem was that he deceived me, the real person inside of him was tucked away, then he let himself out after we got married!
I'm trying to say is that I think it's a good idea to understand the past before expecting to move on. I think it's good to understand who you were in that relationship, what mistakes you made, she made, how you can improve yourself and maybe one day in the future ask her what happened. I had good days and some sad days going thru it, but I've resolved the past and can put it behind me.