Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
This kind of struck me today as I was talking with my older brother at work.
Why do we seem to seek approval or validation from others, from our bosses, our co workers, friends, parents, to the men our women in our lives that we are dating or looking to date?
Is it because we have been raised to seek it? Insecurities set in early from childhood due to alcoholic parents, abuse, neglect, abandonment issues?
Is it human nature? Is it just competition?
I don't have the answer to that, but I honestly find it sad. The only person we should seek approval or validation from is ourselves. If we can't love ourselves first, then how can we attract the sort of person that can love us?
My brother said to me, when I was finding red flags with the men on the dating site..." Your so picky, act like that, your going to die old, bitter and alone."
All because I had said, it took me 7 months to even agree to a date with my last ex. Then even screening him, through emails, texts and finally phone conversations, then public dates and meeting him in town the first few dates and going to public venues, I still missed the red flags.
You know what? It is MY RIGHT to have standards, to be safe, to act responsibly, to date or not date, and if so be it, die old and alone.
Why should I have to settle for someone that is an alcoholic, addict, abuser just because he thinks its odd or eccentric for me to be alone?
Just a point I think is important. Value yourself..it is hard, the nights are longer and the holidays will soon be upon us. Heck I have not dated since rebounding with my ex last December and it honestly just set me back, but I am working on myself and trying to get stronger and find out who I am, not take care of someone who is "broken". It is time for me.
Sorry for the length...
Why do we seem to seek approval or validation from others, from our bosses, our co workers, friends, parents, to the men our women in our lives that we are dating or looking to date?
Is it because we have been raised to seek it? Insecurities set in early from childhood due to alcoholic parents, abuse, neglect, abandonment issues?
Is it human nature? Is it just competition?
I don't have the answer to that, but I honestly find it sad. The only person we should seek approval or validation from is ourselves. If we can't love ourselves first, then how can we attract the sort of person that can love us?
My brother said to me, when I was finding red flags with the men on the dating site..." Your so picky, act like that, your going to die old, bitter and alone."
All because I had said, it took me 7 months to even agree to a date with my last ex. Then even screening him, through emails, texts and finally phone conversations, then public dates and meeting him in town the first few dates and going to public venues, I still missed the red flags.
You know what? It is MY RIGHT to have standards, to be safe, to act responsibly, to date or not date, and if so be it, die old and alone.
Why should I have to settle for someone that is an alcoholic, addict, abuser just because he thinks its odd or eccentric for me to be alone?
Just a point I think is important. Value yourself..it is hard, the nights are longer and the holidays will soon be upon us. Heck I have not dated since rebounding with my ex last December and it honestly just set me back, but I am working on myself and trying to get stronger and find out who I am, not take care of someone who is "broken". It is time for me.
Sorry for the length...
I am getting stronger all the time :)
warm gentle hugs
Reaching that point would mean quite a bit to me.
However, one of the problems I will have to face when I am eventually stable/well enough to start dating again is that I have an adult attachment style problem. My attachment style is called anxious-preoccupied, and it makes any romantic adult relationship a very high anxiety and painful ordeal for me.
What that essentially means is that my brain is hardwired to become hyper vigilant about spotting even the smallest red flags or signs (real or imagined) that something isn't going perfect in a romantic relationship. On top of that it also causes me to experience overwhelming difficulty trusting myself and my perception of said red flags and signs.
If you really want a answer as far as my opinion to why we seek validation is that we are hardwired even before birth-by nature of being human beings. It is biological-we are social animals-we need to bond with other human beings to make it past infancy-it's the most natural thing in the world and a good thing-until it gets complicated and perverted by traumatic life circumstances.
You just keep on valuing yourself, it IS time for you! You are enough. Screw the abusers! LOL
I been sitting here crying because I finally texted my ex the last text I am going to text him and started 2nd guessing myself, feeling bad because I can't be with a man who physically hurt me and emotionally hurt me and the reason I can't be is because I do value myself, and I am crying because I came to the realization that he never really did love me. I was a fool to believe that he did. The reality hit me but I'm glad I read this post.
Thank you for reminding me that I do have the right to be picky, to be valued by another human being, and no matter what the need I have for another man to be in my life, will be my need not anyone's else's idea of my need, in other words, will he be tall, fat, short, bald?? Who knows, but I know this much he will be a man that values me, shows me he loves, and treats me with respect and handle my heart with nothing but love and kindess, kind of hard to find when your own dad couldn't do that to you growing up, but I am learning and mending like everyone else here.
I asked my therapist about wanting validation and she said that it's normal. She said something to the effect that: "Through your eyes, I know myself." We need relationships and 'validation' or the reflection back of ourselves through someone else's eyes. I personally find that terrifying and much easier to be alone, but I still want it so much.
It should be noted that we are not the only ones who need validation. My exH was evaluated by a psychologist who wrote in her report that he needs constant external validation. And I have observed him going around being wonderful just to garner praise and admiration. It's kind of telling that the abuser and the abusee both need 'too much' validation. I think that the key is to find a healthy balance. Easier said than done! :-)
In regards to validation, I think its perfectly normal for people to crave that. It goes along with building our self-esteem. If other people validate what you do, then it shows that you have achieved something and you gain more confidence in yourself. I am thinking primarily in terms of if you have a big deadline at work and you worked your ass off to complete it working overtime and putting in more work than others and your boss doesnt even acknowledge what you had done. How do you feel? Horrible! Given the same scenario but this time your boss gives you a card and a gift certificate to show what a good job you did. How do you feel? On top of the world! The same thing is with our abusers. We work SO HARD to try to please them constantly trying to be the perfect spouse/partner, but in the end, they always find SOMETHING to bring us down, making us feel lousy. Of course we search validation from them but its something we never get back.
You have every right to go slow in searching out a new relationship. Dont let other people bring you down with their nasty comments!