I heard of this technique on this board a couple of years ago. It really helps. They feed off our emotion and our responses. I have trained myself to never actually look at exH's face if I have to see him. I don't smile, don't frown, act as though I am just floating above the situation and not actually in it. Answer only in the most vague and uninterested way.

And I also learned from my counselor that if he asks me questions that don't matter, are inappropriate or that I feel uncomfortable answering, giving NO answer at all is also okay! No answer. I didn't hear the question. Period. He shouldn't have asked it? I don't have to even acknowledge it at ALL.

I just walk away slowly and close the door behind me.

One of my collected inspirational quotes:
When you respond to an unreasonable person by getting emotional, you give them victory. How do you manage unreasonable people? You dismiss them...like shadows." David Viscott

I haven't heard of it, but it sounds like how I just naturally deal with difficult people.

See I used to try to think up really fantastic comeback lines. Then that just seemed like too much work. And well, I have enough other things on my mind.

Never hurts to just answer "spaghetti". Oh what? I was thinking about dinner. I think we need more Parmesan cheese. So have you made a decision yet?

The marriage is over. My give-a-damn about his emotional responses ended when he left. I don't really care if he's happy, sad, or grown a second nose. If he's broken...fine. I don't try to fix things that aren't mine. If he's hit the lottery...great...I am happy when good things happen to other people.

That said. He doesn't care about my opinion, so I'm sure not going to share my thoughts with him.

That was interesting.

If I wanted to change who I was for someone there wouldn't have been a problem in the first place.

So, NO! I would never change what I want to do for myself in order to sneak away from someone. It seems too cowardly for me.

Try to control me and I say "Bring it on, MFer..." lol.

I'm for bravery like the Shania Twain Song.. " Rather die standing then live on my knees"

They are the one who is doing wrong, that is like telling your child if a class mate envies your good grades and starts to bully you, pretend you're really dumb so he leaves alone. might as all ready be dead if you go around living like that in my opinion.

I don't think this is about changing who we are for anyone. It's about using a tool for safely disengaging/detaching when we HAVE to deal with someone who is personality disordered (for example, when it comes to co-parenting). They are NOT suggesting we fully live our lives like this, only when it comes to the disordered person. And then even selectively.

It's about getting thru what we have to in the best way possible.

When we challenge them, we are "playing their game" and accomplishing THEIR intent. Plus we're teaching our children that playing dysfunctional games w/a disordered person is healthy instead of hurtful to all involved.

I figured out just before I left that giving my narc husband no emotional reaction drove him crazy. I was trying to detach and his inner alarm went off and he'd push and push and push until he got me to cry, then I sensed a face of satisfaction on him.

When your partner is yelling in your face, insulting you, twisting every reasonable reply you speak into a senseless argument it becomes a crazy making situation. I have PTSD and a panic disorder that once triggered releases a psyco-bitch from hell and in self-defense have responded viciously right back at him and in fact damn near punched him right in the face even though he is taller than me and weighs twice as much. I am also dealing with fibromyalgia and the added stress was brutal and my reaction futile because he is what he is and seems to have no insight whatsoever as to his abusive nature. The best scenario is to leave the room and totally shut him out because I can find no empathy or compassion for someone who needs to be an abusive jerk. This seems to work best but it definitely puts a no-go on any warm or intimate type of relationship.

I've started employing this & it has helped me a lot. One catch is that I am still having reactions, in private, after the fact. I feel scared, I feel guilty, I feel bad...but I don't let myself pursue trying to explain myself or apologize, which is difficult, but seems to be making me stronger.

I would like to find a way not to have the aftermath reaction as well.

Actually, my experience is a little different than how described in that article. I haven't gone to many of those extremes, but I show no emotion. I make limited eye contact (this is how he has often treated me anyway) & I don't share anything extra. I don't try to appear evasive either, because that would only arouse suspicion

I did this when going through divorce. The only problem was the more cool, unfussed, unbothered, calm and collected I appeared, the more he thought I was having a great time without him. This made him attack even more. He used every single item he had over me for effect. He could not handle not having any control over me or my emotions! Conversely, i remember being unwell at one point and he went through all kinds of lengths to be nice, wait on me, etc. This was the basis of our dysfunction. He liked me when I was helpless and was threatened and lashing out when he thought i was doing well. I remember thinking at the time that perhaps I should have acted more upset and shown my emotional upset during the divorce and that he probably would have made it easier on me! However, I really did not feel like doing that!

maryjan I have to say I agree with you after trying this for a few days!

The more calm and relaxed (ie boring) I appear, the more threatened he seems to feel, and then I get him acting out. I think the idea that I could be peaceful without him is triggering to him, it gives him a sense of loss or insult that he can't handle. Definitely this did not work out well for me.

I am going back to my previous technique of only communicating with him when I have to, in writing, and only in short sentences that state facts. There's nothing for him to argue with, and if I am speaking to him he settles down a little. He does sometimes get manipulative or angry, but I am not afraid of that (or vulnerable to it) any more. I know he'll be over it if I just ignore him.

Good luck everyone. I suppose every abuser is different.