Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
From this forum.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I've been reading the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, which is about the behavior of predators, how not to be a victim, and the importance of listening to your intuition. While most of the book is not about abuse per se, I believe it contains much vital information that can be applied to abusers, since abusers are just another type of predator. They seek to harm and destroy, and to achieve his aim the abuser has to get around the victim's natural defenses -- in ways that are not so dissimilar from how a would-be robber, rapist, or murderer attempts to neutralize the defenses of his intended victim.
In this post I want to talk about the information in Chapter 4 of the book, titled Survival Signals. In this chapter de Becker lists several tricks that predators use to wear down the defenses of the intended victim. In essence, red flags.
Note: since this book is about physical violence, the entire book is written in terms of the predator being a man and the victim being a woman, since statistically the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by men. Of course women can be abusers, too, but as a rule females tend to favor verbal and emotional abuse over physical violence. Still, some of these same warning signs may apply. The central principle is one human being who wants to harm and control another human being. To do that successfully, the victim must be distracted from realizing how dangerous the abuser/predator is.
In the section below are some excerpts from Chapter 4 (the first edition of the book). References to "Kelly" are talking about a young woman, a victim of rape, whose story is told in the first chapter.
***
Just as some things must be seen to be believed, some things must be believed to be seen...one way to reduce risk is to learn what risk looks like.
FORCED TEAMING
Kelly asks me what signals her attacker displayed and I start with the one I call "forced teaming." It was shown through the use of his word "we" ("We've got a hungry cat up there"). Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust, because a we're-in-the-same-boat attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude...forced teaming is not about coincidence; it is intentional and directed, and it is one of the most sophisticated manipulations. The detectable signal of a forced teaming is the projection of a shared purpose or experience where none exists...
Kelly did not consciously recognize what her intuition clearly knew, so she couldn't apply the simple defense for forced teaming, which is to make a clear refusal to accept the concept of partnership: "I did not ask for your help and I do not want it." Like many of the best defenses, this one has the cost of appearing rude.
(Forced teaming) is not about partnership or coincidence -- it is about establishing rapport, and that may or may not be all right, depending on WHY someone seeks rapport.
CHARM AND NICENESS
Charm is an overrated ability. Note that I call it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive...Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to "This person is charming," you'll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times you'll be glad you looked...
Women are expected to be warm and open, and in the context of an approach from male strangers, warmth lengthens the encounter, raises his expectations, increases his investment, and, at best, wastes time. At worst, it serves the man who has sinister intentions by providing much of the information he will need to evaluate and then control his prospective victim.
TOO MANY DETAILS
People who want to deceive you...will often use a simple technique that has a simple name: too many details...
When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, IT DOESN'T SOUND CREDIBLE TO THEM, so they keep talking.
Each detail may only be a small tack he throws on the road, but together they can stop a truck. The defense is to remain consciously aware of the context in which the details are offered...
Every type of con relies upon distracting us from the obvious.
TYPECASTING
A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she'll feel compelled to prove his opinion is not accurate. "You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me," a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of "snob" by talking to him. A man tells a woman, "You don't look like someone who reads the newspaper," and she sets out to prove that she is intelligent and well-informed...
Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks, the defense is silence, acting as if the words weren't even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point but you might lose something greater...the typecaster doesn't even believe what he says is true. He just believes that it will work.
LOAN SHARKING
The next signal I explain to Kelly is one I call loan sharking. "He wanted to be allowed to help you because that would place you in his debt, and the fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask him to leave you alone." ...The defense is to bring two rarely remembered facts into consciousness: He approached me, and I didn't ask for any help.
We're all familiar with the stranger who offers to help a woman with her groceries; most often he is a fairly unsophisticated loan shark looking to pick someone up. The debt he records in his ledger can usually be paid off quite easily, just a little talk will do it. But he has something in common with the predatory criminal who imposes his counterfeit charity into someone's life: motive....At its best, loan sharking is on a par with asking a woman, "Do you come here often?" At its worst, it exploits a victim's sense of obligation and fairness.
It's important to clarify that forced teaming, too many details, charm, niceness, typecasting, and loan sharking are all in daily use by people who have no sinister intent. You might have already recognized several of these strategies as those commonly used by men who want little more than an opportunity to engage a woman in conversation. I don't mean to cramp the style of some crude Casanova, but times have changed and we men can surely develop some approaches that are not steeped in deceit and manipulation.
THE UNSOLICITED PROMISE
The unsolicited promise in one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver...But promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker's desire to convince you of something...it's useful to ask yourself: Why does this person need to convince me? The answer, it turns out, is not about him -- it is about you. The reason a person promises something, the reason he needs to convince you, is that he can see you are not convinced. You have doubt (which is a messenger of intuition), likely because there is reason to doubt...
In effect, the promise holds up a mirror in which you get a second chance to see your own intuitive signal; the promise is the image and reflection of your doubt. Always, in every context, be suspicious of the unsolicited promise...
Here's the defense: When someone says "I promise" you say (at least in your head) "You're right, I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing it out."
DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO"
...I speak to (Kelly) about one more signal, perhaps the most universally significant one of all: a man's ignoring or discounting the concept of NO...
Actions are far more eloquent and credible than words, particularly a short and undervalued word like "no," and particularly when it's offered tentatively and without conviction...."No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you...
Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it...If you let someone talk you out of the word "no," you might as well wear a sign that reads, "You are in charge."
The worst response when someone fails to accept "no" is to give ever-weakening refusals and then give in. Another common response that serves the criminal is to negotiate...Negotiations are about possibilities, and providing access to someone who makes you apprehensive is not a possibility you want to keep on the agenda. I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence...
When someone ignores that word, ask yourself: Why is this person seeking to control me?...
Trust that what causes alarm probably should, because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways:
1) It is always in response to something.
2) It always has your best interests at heart.
***
So those are a few brief excerpts from the book, to outline the main tricks that a predator will use to get past the defenses of his would-be victim. Now, to put this in more of an abuse-related context, I want to use an example from this forum. I asked Yellow for permission to use a letter that her spouse sent her a couple of weeks ago, and she agreed to let me use it in this post. So I want to say thank you to Yellow for letting me use this letter. When yellow originally posted the letter on DS, it was picked apart ten ways to Sunday, but I want to look at the letter one more time, in light of the red flags that de Becker describes in his book.
Here is the letter in its entirety:
"I spoke with the counselor today about his program. I am sorry I wont be able to keep my promise on this. His classes run from 5 to 6 months long . And they do not except any insurances for these type of classes he said that is common of these classes. It will cost me from $800 to $1000 it goes by your income the least that anyone could pay is $500. But I make to much for that price my would be much higher. And you have to pay half up front and the class starts in Jan after the holidays. I really cant afford this I am sorry I would do anything to make it better for us. I just don't know anymore I have tried everything I can think of to make this right I have apologized to everyone I could think of and am going to therapy and church. I never worked so hard at anything and it seems you don't even care. It hurts me so much that my wife hates me so bad . And dose not care that I am dyeing in side .But then I realize I did the same thing to you. I just cant believe that their is nothing left inside of you that wants to fix this some how . I know how it felt when you held me I know you still can feel the good that's in me ! Cant you just take that one chance and let me show you who I really am please ! I know I can make you happy. I know this from deep down in my soul. Please don't let me just fade away like this an die like this. I know you think I have a nice house and you are in a rotten apartment. But all I do is go home and try to make the cats feel loved and sleep. We live in just one room we spend all our time in the bedroom we only keep the heat on in the two rooms upstairs . I am so scared that I wont be able to pay for the heat. This is not living we wait and pray every day that you will come home and save us from this life we are living. We miss you so bad. We are not giving up we will sit here and wait for you or till we cant survive anymore we have nothing to loose if you never come back we have nothing left to live for that's how much we love you. I know you went to see a priest but they are not all the same and have different beliefs that are not made out for ever person special needs . I talked with Father from our town's church . And he is very nice and has different beliefs than other priests too. We could meet with him as well and join his church. Why don't you believe I can be a better person and make us a family ? That hurts me almost as bad as me knowing what I have done to you.. I am sorry for sending you this . This will be my last cry for your help and forgiveness . I don't have much left I have never hurt so bad in my life. I will still go to my anger classes and therapy untill I am off your insurance . Be cause I cant afford my insurance it will be for med ,den, eye $248 per month when this happens I don't really know what me and the cats will do I wont be able to care for them anymore. And I do love them very much, they are all I have right know. I hope you get well soon even if you decide don't want us back in your life . We really do miss you very much and I am very sorry for everything. I wont email you any more I already broke that promise to you and you family. We love you !!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So now, examining the letter again, first we have this:
"I spoke with the counselor today about his program. I am sorry I wont be able to keep my promise on this. His classes run from 5 to 6 months long . And they do not except any insurances for these type of classes he said that is common of these classes. It will cost me from $800 to $1000 it goes by your income the least that anyone could pay is $500. But I make to much for that price my would be much higher. And you have to pay half up front and the class starts in Jan after the holidays. I really cant afford this..."
TOO MANY DETAILS. The central issue here, the context, is that Yellow wants him to get into an abuse intervention program and he had promised her that he would. But he is not going into the program like he said he would, and to distract Yellow from this fact he offers a host of detailed excuses. This is more than just "the dog ate my homework." This is, "I left my homework on the counter and the dog grabbed it when I wasn't looking and ran around the yard with it in his teeth for 20 minutes, tearing it into a hundred little pieces before he ate it."
"I would do anything to make it better for us. I just don't know anymore I have tried everything I can think of to make this right I have apologized to everyone I could think of and am going to therapy and church. I never worked so hard at anything..."
LOAN SHARKING. Yellow's husband tells her of all the sacrifices he is supposedly making for her right now so that she will feel an obligation to him.
"...and it seems you don't even care. It hurts me so much that my wife hates me so bad . And dose not care that I am dyeing in side"
TYPECASTING. Just like the man who tells a woman, 'You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me" so the woman will feel compelled to prove him wrong by talking to him, Yellow's husband throws out some insults -- you don't even care, my wife hates me so bad -- so that Yellow will want to prove him wrong by showing him that she does care.
"I just cant believe that their is nothing left inside of you that wants to fix this some how ."
More TYPECASTING. Prove me wrong, honey! Come home and "fix" this.
"Cant you just take that one chance and let me show you who I really am please !"
DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO." Yellow made the decision to leave him, but he's refusing to hear it.
"I know you think I have a nice house and you are in a rotten apartment. But all I do is go home and try to make the cats feel loved and sleep. We live in just one room we spend all our time in the bedroom we only keep the heat on in the two rooms upstairs . I am so scared that I wont be able to pay for the heat. This is not living we wait and pray every day that you will come home and save us from this life we are living. We miss you so bad. We are not giving up we will sit here and wait for you or till we cant survive anymore we have nothing to loose if you never come back we have nothing left to live for that's how much we love you."
TOO MANY DETAILS again. Yellow's husband is spinning a story that his life is nothing but misery since she left. The context he is trying so desperately to distract her from is that he is DANGEROUS, and that is why she left in the first place. There is also some LOAN SHARKING here. He tells Yellow that his whole life revolves around making the cats feel loved, while waiting and praying faithfully for her to come back. He tells her this so that Yellow will feel indebted to him for his apparent devotion -- and feel that now she owes him in return, perhaps even owes him enough to come home and "save" him as he requested.
There's also FORCED TEAMING here, some of it rather bizarre. Yellow's husband knows that she loves the cats, and so when he talks of loving the cats (the same cats that "only ever tortured" him just two months before) it's a way to establish rapport with Yellow. The bizarre twist is that he is also teaming himself with the cats; here and for much of the rest of the letter he uses the pronoun "we" -- himself and the cats -- whenever he talks about himself. Again, he knows that Yellow loves the cats and so if Yellow's husband and the cats are on the same team, then he doesn't appear quite as dangerous and threatening.
"I know you went to see a priest but they are not all the same and have different beliefs that are not made out for ever person special needs . I talked with Father from our town's church . And he is very nice and has different beliefs than other priests too. We could meet with him as well and join his church."
In the original thread it was suggested that this part of the letter was intended as a backhanded insult to Yellow, implying that her priest was not good enough and HIS priest was better. And that may be true, although it defeats the main purpose of the letter -- to convince Yellow to give him another chance -- for Yellow's husband to insult her like that. But maybe he's such a control freak that he can't help wanting to control which church she goes to. Or maybe he knows this particular priest has a belief in male privilege and obedient wives. Nevertheless, I think there is some LOAN SHARKING and FORCED TEAMING in this section. Yellow's husband is trying to give Yellow something she desperately wanted from him in the past, for the two of them to attend church and enjoy their religion TOGETHER. And when he says "we" could meet with the priest, that is another instance of FORCED TEAMING. He is disregarding the inconvenient fact that Yellow moved out and there is no "we" anymore.
"Why don't you believe I can be a better person and make us a family ? "
Still more TYPECASTING. Hoping she'll want to prove him wrong.
"This will be my last cry for your help and forgiveness... I will still go to my anger classes and therapy untill I am off your insurance"
He doesn't actually use the word "promise" so maybe Yellow's husband can get off on a technicality here, but this is dangerously close to an UNSOLICITED PROMISE. He wants to erase Yellow's doubt that he will in fact do these things, because he knows she has very good reason to doubt him. And in fact this letter wasn't his "last cry" at all, as he wrote to her again the very next day. The jury is still out on his other "promise" but given his track record and the negative implication of an unsolicited promise, the outcome is doubtful.
"I don't really know what me and the cats will do I wont be able to care for them anymore."
A bit of subtle LOAN SHARKING. He is caring for the cats alone since she left, and supposedly having a hard time of it, with the implication being that she owes him for taking care of the cats without her help. There's also a subtle threat to the cats, implying that if she doesn't come back and "save" them -- him and the cats, remember they're a team -- that the cats won't be cared for any longer.
"And I do love them very much, they are all I have right know. I hope you get well soon even if you decide don't want us back in your life . We really do miss you very much and I am very sorry for everything."
CHARM AND NICENESS. This part would be wonderful if he truly being sincere, although I personally don't believe he means a word of it.
"I wont email you any more I already broke that promise to you and you family."
He makes another UNSOLICITED PROMISE while in the same breath acknowledging that he broke the last unsolicited promise. And he will break this promise the next day.
Finally, his entire letter is DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO" because Yellow has repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and not write to her. The fact that Yellow's husband repeatedly REFUSES to hear her "no" is very disturbing and indicates that he is completely unwilling to relinquish control of her.
The overall point here is that abusers use many of the same tricks that violent predators use when they are trying to break down a victim's resistance. But knowledge is power -- and by knowing what to look for we can put ourselves in a better position the next time somebody tries to use one of these tricks on us.
As I mentioned a few days ago, I've been reading the book, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker, which is about the behavior of predators, how not to be a victim, and the importance of listening to your intuition. While most of the book is not about abuse per se, I believe it contains much vital information that can be applied to abusers, since abusers are just another type of predator. They seek to harm and destroy, and to achieve his aim the abuser has to get around the victim's natural defenses -- in ways that are not so dissimilar from how a would-be robber, rapist, or murderer attempts to neutralize the defenses of his intended victim.
In this post I want to talk about the information in Chapter 4 of the book, titled Survival Signals. In this chapter de Becker lists several tricks that predators use to wear down the defenses of the intended victim. In essence, red flags.
Note: since this book is about physical violence, the entire book is written in terms of the predator being a man and the victim being a woman, since statistically the vast majority of violent crimes are committed by men. Of course women can be abusers, too, but as a rule females tend to favor verbal and emotional abuse over physical violence. Still, some of these same warning signs may apply. The central principle is one human being who wants to harm and control another human being. To do that successfully, the victim must be distracted from realizing how dangerous the abuser/predator is.
In the section below are some excerpts from Chapter 4 (the first edition of the book). References to "Kelly" are talking about a young woman, a victim of rape, whose story is told in the first chapter.
***
Just as some things must be seen to be believed, some things must be believed to be seen...one way to reduce risk is to learn what risk looks like.
FORCED TEAMING
Kelly asks me what signals her attacker displayed and I start with the one I call "forced teaming." It was shown through the use of his word "we" ("We've got a hungry cat up there"). Forced teaming is an effective way to establish premature trust, because a we're-in-the-same-boat attitude is hard to rebuff without feeling rude...forced teaming is not about coincidence; it is intentional and directed, and it is one of the most sophisticated manipulations. The detectable signal of a forced teaming is the projection of a shared purpose or experience where none exists...
Kelly did not consciously recognize what her intuition clearly knew, so she couldn't apply the simple defense for forced teaming, which is to make a clear refusal to accept the concept of partnership: "I did not ask for your help and I do not want it." Like many of the best defenses, this one has the cost of appearing rude.
(Forced teaming) is not about partnership or coincidence -- it is about establishing rapport, and that may or may not be all right, depending on WHY someone seeks rapport.
CHARM AND NICENESS
Charm is an overrated ability. Note that I call it an ability, not an inherent feature of one's personality. Charm is almost always a directed instrument, which, like rapport building, has motive...Think of charm as a verb, not a trait. If you consciously tell yourself, "This person is trying to charm me," as opposed to "This person is charming," you'll be able to see around it. Most often, when you see what's behind charm, it won't be sinister, but other times you'll be glad you looked...
Women are expected to be warm and open, and in the context of an approach from male strangers, warmth lengthens the encounter, raises his expectations, increases his investment, and, at best, wastes time. At worst, it serves the man who has sinister intentions by providing much of the information he will need to evaluate and then control his prospective victim.
TOO MANY DETAILS
People who want to deceive you...will often use a simple technique that has a simple name: too many details...
When people are telling the truth, they don't feel doubted, so they don't feel the need for additional support in the form of details. When people lie, however, even if what they say sounds credible to you, IT DOESN'T SOUND CREDIBLE TO THEM, so they keep talking.
Each detail may only be a small tack he throws on the road, but together they can stop a truck. The defense is to remain consciously aware of the context in which the details are offered...
Every type of con relies upon distracting us from the obvious.
TYPECASTING
A man labels a woman in some slightly critical way, hoping she'll feel compelled to prove his opinion is not accurate. "You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me," a man might say, and the woman will cast off the mantle of "snob" by talking to him. A man tells a woman, "You don't look like someone who reads the newspaper," and she sets out to prove that she is intelligent and well-informed...
Typecasting always involves a slight insult, and usually one that is easy to refute. But since it is the response itself that the typecaster seeks, the defense is silence, acting as if the words weren't even spoken. If you engage, you can win the point but you might lose something greater...the typecaster doesn't even believe what he says is true. He just believes that it will work.
LOAN SHARKING
The next signal I explain to Kelly is one I call loan sharking. "He wanted to be allowed to help you because that would place you in his debt, and the fact that you owe a person something makes it hard to ask him to leave you alone." ...The defense is to bring two rarely remembered facts into consciousness: He approached me, and I didn't ask for any help.
We're all familiar with the stranger who offers to help a woman with her groceries; most often he is a fairly unsophisticated loan shark looking to pick someone up. The debt he records in his ledger can usually be paid off quite easily, just a little talk will do it. But he has something in common with the predatory criminal who imposes his counterfeit charity into someone's life: motive....At its best, loan sharking is on a par with asking a woman, "Do you come here often?" At its worst, it exploits a victim's sense of obligation and fairness.
It's important to clarify that forced teaming, too many details, charm, niceness, typecasting, and loan sharking are all in daily use by people who have no sinister intent. You might have already recognized several of these strategies as those commonly used by men who want little more than an opportunity to engage a woman in conversation. I don't mean to cramp the style of some crude Casanova, but times have changed and we men can surely develop some approaches that are not steeped in deceit and manipulation.
THE UNSOLICITED PROMISE
The unsolicited promise in one of the most reliable signals because it is nearly always of questionable motive. Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. A guarantee is a promise that offers some compensation if the speaker fails to deliver...But promises offer no such collateral. They are the very hollowest instruments of speech, showing nothing more than the speaker's desire to convince you of something...it's useful to ask yourself: Why does this person need to convince me? The answer, it turns out, is not about him -- it is about you. The reason a person promises something, the reason he needs to convince you, is that he can see you are not convinced. You have doubt (which is a messenger of intuition), likely because there is reason to doubt...
In effect, the promise holds up a mirror in which you get a second chance to see your own intuitive signal; the promise is the image and reflection of your doubt. Always, in every context, be suspicious of the unsolicited promise...
Here's the defense: When someone says "I promise" you say (at least in your head) "You're right, I am hesitant about trusting you, and maybe with good reason. Thank you for pointing it out."
DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO"
...I speak to (Kelly) about one more signal, perhaps the most universally significant one of all: a man's ignoring or discounting the concept of NO...
Actions are far more eloquent and credible than words, particularly a short and undervalued word like "no," and particularly when it's offered tentatively and without conviction...."No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you...
Declining to hear "no" is a signal that someone is either seeking control or refusing to relinquish it...If you let someone talk you out of the word "no," you might as well wear a sign that reads, "You are in charge."
The worst response when someone fails to accept "no" is to give ever-weakening refusals and then give in. Another common response that serves the criminal is to negotiate...Negotiations are about possibilities, and providing access to someone who makes you apprehensive is not a possibility you want to keep on the agenda. I encourage people to remember that "no" is a complete sentence...
When someone ignores that word, ask yourself: Why is this person seeking to control me?...
Trust that what causes alarm probably should, because when it comes to danger, intuition is always right in at least two important ways:
1) It is always in response to something.
2) It always has your best interests at heart.
***
So those are a few brief excerpts from the book, to outline the main tricks that a predator will use to get past the defenses of his would-be victim. Now, to put this in more of an abuse-related context, I want to use an example from this forum. I asked Yellow for permission to use a letter that her spouse sent her a couple of weeks ago, and she agreed to let me use it in this post. So I want to say thank you to Yellow for letting me use this letter. When yellow originally posted the letter on DS, it was picked apart ten ways to Sunday, but I want to look at the letter one more time, in light of the red flags that de Becker describes in his book.
Here is the letter in its entirety:
"I spoke with the counselor today about his program. I am sorry I wont be able to keep my promise on this. His classes run from 5 to 6 months long . And they do not except any insurances for these type of classes he said that is common of these classes. It will cost me from $800 to $1000 it goes by your income the least that anyone could pay is $500. But I make to much for that price my would be much higher. And you have to pay half up front and the class starts in Jan after the holidays. I really cant afford this I am sorry I would do anything to make it better for us. I just don't know anymore I have tried everything I can think of to make this right I have apologized to everyone I could think of and am going to therapy and church. I never worked so hard at anything and it seems you don't even care. It hurts me so much that my wife hates me so bad . And dose not care that I am dyeing in side .But then I realize I did the same thing to you. I just cant believe that their is nothing left inside of you that wants to fix this some how . I know how it felt when you held me I know you still can feel the good that's in me ! Cant you just take that one chance and let me show you who I really am please ! I know I can make you happy. I know this from deep down in my soul. Please don't let me just fade away like this an die like this. I know you think I have a nice house and you are in a rotten apartment. But all I do is go home and try to make the cats feel loved and sleep. We live in just one room we spend all our time in the bedroom we only keep the heat on in the two rooms upstairs . I am so scared that I wont be able to pay for the heat. This is not living we wait and pray every day that you will come home and save us from this life we are living. We miss you so bad. We are not giving up we will sit here and wait for you or till we cant survive anymore we have nothing to loose if you never come back we have nothing left to live for that's how much we love you. I know you went to see a priest but they are not all the same and have different beliefs that are not made out for ever person special needs . I talked with Father from our town's church . And he is very nice and has different beliefs than other priests too. We could meet with him as well and join his church. Why don't you believe I can be a better person and make us a family ? That hurts me almost as bad as me knowing what I have done to you.. I am sorry for sending you this . This will be my last cry for your help and forgiveness . I don't have much left I have never hurt so bad in my life. I will still go to my anger classes and therapy untill I am off your insurance . Be cause I cant afford my insurance it will be for med ,den, eye $248 per month when this happens I don't really know what me and the cats will do I wont be able to care for them anymore. And I do love them very much, they are all I have right know. I hope you get well soon even if you decide don't want us back in your life . We really do miss you very much and I am very sorry for everything. I wont email you any more I already broke that promise to you and you family. We love you !!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So now, examining the letter again, first we have this:
"I spoke with the counselor today about his program. I am sorry I wont be able to keep my promise on this. His classes run from 5 to 6 months long . And they do not except any insurances for these type of classes he said that is common of these classes. It will cost me from $800 to $1000 it goes by your income the least that anyone could pay is $500. But I make to much for that price my would be much higher. And you have to pay half up front and the class starts in Jan after the holidays. I really cant afford this..."
TOO MANY DETAILS. The central issue here, the context, is that Yellow wants him to get into an abuse intervention program and he had promised her that he would. But he is not going into the program like he said he would, and to distract Yellow from this fact he offers a host of detailed excuses. This is more than just "the dog ate my homework." This is, "I left my homework on the counter and the dog grabbed it when I wasn't looking and ran around the yard with it in his teeth for 20 minutes, tearing it into a hundred little pieces before he ate it."
"I would do anything to make it better for us. I just don't know anymore I have tried everything I can think of to make this right I have apologized to everyone I could think of and am going to therapy and church. I never worked so hard at anything..."
LOAN SHARKING. Yellow's husband tells her of all the sacrifices he is supposedly making for her right now so that she will feel an obligation to him.
"...and it seems you don't even care. It hurts me so much that my wife hates me so bad . And dose not care that I am dyeing in side"
TYPECASTING. Just like the man who tells a woman, 'You're probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me" so the woman will feel compelled to prove him wrong by talking to him, Yellow's husband throws out some insults -- you don't even care, my wife hates me so bad -- so that Yellow will want to prove him wrong by showing him that she does care.
"I just cant believe that their is nothing left inside of you that wants to fix this some how ."
More TYPECASTING. Prove me wrong, honey! Come home and "fix" this.
"Cant you just take that one chance and let me show you who I really am please !"
DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO." Yellow made the decision to leave him, but he's refusing to hear it.
"I know you think I have a nice house and you are in a rotten apartment. But all I do is go home and try to make the cats feel loved and sleep. We live in just one room we spend all our time in the bedroom we only keep the heat on in the two rooms upstairs . I am so scared that I wont be able to pay for the heat. This is not living we wait and pray every day that you will come home and save us from this life we are living. We miss you so bad. We are not giving up we will sit here and wait for you or till we cant survive anymore we have nothing to loose if you never come back we have nothing left to live for that's how much we love you."
TOO MANY DETAILS again. Yellow's husband is spinning a story that his life is nothing but misery since she left. The context he is trying so desperately to distract her from is that he is DANGEROUS, and that is why she left in the first place. There is also some LOAN SHARKING here. He tells Yellow that his whole life revolves around making the cats feel loved, while waiting and praying faithfully for her to come back. He tells her this so that Yellow will feel indebted to him for his apparent devotion -- and feel that now she owes him in return, perhaps even owes him enough to come home and "save" him as he requested.
There's also FORCED TEAMING here, some of it rather bizarre. Yellow's husband knows that she loves the cats, and so when he talks of loving the cats (the same cats that "only ever tortured" him just two months before) it's a way to establish rapport with Yellow. The bizarre twist is that he is also teaming himself with the cats; here and for much of the rest of the letter he uses the pronoun "we" -- himself and the cats -- whenever he talks about himself. Again, he knows that Yellow loves the cats and so if Yellow's husband and the cats are on the same team, then he doesn't appear quite as dangerous and threatening.
"I know you went to see a priest but they are not all the same and have different beliefs that are not made out for ever person special needs . I talked with Father from our town's church . And he is very nice and has different beliefs than other priests too. We could meet with him as well and join his church."
In the original thread it was suggested that this part of the letter was intended as a backhanded insult to Yellow, implying that her priest was not good enough and HIS priest was better. And that may be true, although it defeats the main purpose of the letter -- to convince Yellow to give him another chance -- for Yellow's husband to insult her like that. But maybe he's such a control freak that he can't help wanting to control which church she goes to. Or maybe he knows this particular priest has a belief in male privilege and obedient wives. Nevertheless, I think there is some LOAN SHARKING and FORCED TEAMING in this section. Yellow's husband is trying to give Yellow something she desperately wanted from him in the past, for the two of them to attend church and enjoy their religion TOGETHER. And when he says "we" could meet with the priest, that is another instance of FORCED TEAMING. He is disregarding the inconvenient fact that Yellow moved out and there is no "we" anymore.
"Why don't you believe I can be a better person and make us a family ? "
Still more TYPECASTING. Hoping she'll want to prove him wrong.
"This will be my last cry for your help and forgiveness... I will still go to my anger classes and therapy untill I am off your insurance"
He doesn't actually use the word "promise" so maybe Yellow's husband can get off on a technicality here, but this is dangerously close to an UNSOLICITED PROMISE. He wants to erase Yellow's doubt that he will in fact do these things, because he knows she has very good reason to doubt him. And in fact this letter wasn't his "last cry" at all, as he wrote to her again the very next day. The jury is still out on his other "promise" but given his track record and the negative implication of an unsolicited promise, the outcome is doubtful.
"I don't really know what me and the cats will do I wont be able to care for them anymore."
A bit of subtle LOAN SHARKING. He is caring for the cats alone since she left, and supposedly having a hard time of it, with the implication being that she owes him for taking care of the cats without her help. There's also a subtle threat to the cats, implying that if she doesn't come back and "save" them -- him and the cats, remember they're a team -- that the cats won't be cared for any longer.
"And I do love them very much, they are all I have right know. I hope you get well soon even if you decide don't want us back in your life . We really do miss you very much and I am very sorry for everything."
CHARM AND NICENESS. This part would be wonderful if he truly being sincere, although I personally don't believe he means a word of it.
"I wont email you any more I already broke that promise to you and you family."
He makes another UNSOLICITED PROMISE while in the same breath acknowledging that he broke the last unsolicited promise. And he will break this promise the next day.
Finally, his entire letter is DISCOUNTING THE WORD "NO" because Yellow has repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and not write to her. The fact that Yellow's husband repeatedly REFUSES to hear her "no" is very disturbing and indicates that he is completely unwilling to relinquish control of her.
The overall point here is that abusers use many of the same tricks that violent predators use when they are trying to break down a victim's resistance. But knowledge is power -- and by knowing what to look for we can put ourselves in a better position the next time somebody tries to use one of these tricks on us.
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
As always, your post is very informative and helpful. I wonder wher you get the strength and knowledge to do such good work to help all of us. I don't know your history as I seldom see you offer direct personal concerns, but generally a great amount of help to those of us struggling. The help and support of course is very obvious to me in this post, but hopefully others will see the examples and apply to their situations. I will say it is a lot to take in and requires a few more reads and thinking time.
I am amazed how authors are able to put words to the experiences of abuse that I and others have had.
I find it extremely interesting that this book was recommend to me 6 weeks ago by a counselor at the DV center. I am going to read it also.
Thank you----
And by the way, the combination of support group, seeing the counselor and reading this post has made me not want to go home this weekend.... I think I will wait to decide until later......
I don't talk about myself much on the forums because I am afraid that somebody in my family could be reading DS. It's a small possibility, but it's there, and I don't want that person to be able to recognize me. If my family found out that I am posting here and that I think they are abusive, they would explode and my life would be 10x worse than it already is.
It is amazing when you read books like Lundy Bancroft or Patricia Evans, or even this book how similar many of these abusers are, how they all do so many of the same things and try so many of the same tricks. But I think we can use that to our advantage...because we can recognize those patterns ahead of time. Knowledge is power.
BTW, he does talk more about domestic violence later in the book, including a list of signs that a spouse/partner will become physically violent. I will post that list soon.
I'm glad you've decided to give yourself more time. I truly believe that is all you need, yellow. You are strong and you are smart and I know you are working so hard. Just believe in yourself, and give yourself time to heal.
Yellow, I hope that this has encouraged you and it sounds like it has. This was really beautiful for MaryLousie to take the time and thought to do this. I feel when we take the time to consider others' situations (as on this forum) it also helps us in our own struggles as we gain insight and a new depth of understanding, solidifying our intuitions.
Yellow, after stepping back from the highly manipulative letter and seeing it from a rational standpoint like she laid out, what I was thinking is for you to tell him that next time he talks to the cats could he ask them where you left xxxxx because you know they were in the room when you last had it and you can't find it. Not trying to make light of a painful situation for you but it really is ludicrous when you pull it apart as she has done exposing the man behind the curtain.
Thanks so much for this information! I'm printing it out to add to my file! I kinda feel like Rainman keeping my grievance list. :-)
I do like that he says that not all of these behaviours are necessarily malevolent, they are (mostly) hints, rather than direct evidence of evil intent.
In the context of my marriage and other relationships, I experienced many if not all of these tactics. It is particularly timely for me personally that you quoted excerpts dealing with the experiences of a rape victim, as I have just begun to really accept that I was that woman - only, my attacker was familiar, sharing a home and a life with me, and took vows to comfort and honour me.
It scares me somewhat to read the part about the word 'no' being used by the would-be victim and ignored. In my case, the tactics already employed were so aggressive and effective, that I no longer had that word as a valid one in my vocabulary. I didn't even feel permitted to utter it, never mind do so and have it ignored.
Thank you both once again. xx
Livn -- Point taken, but I don't think he's saying that everyone who offers help is ultimately after something. At least I certainly hope not! It's all about the context.
One of my hobbies is reading body language, and there the experts talk a lot about "clusters" of gestures. One gesture, such as crossing your arms in front of you, in and of itself doesn't necessarily mean much. But when you put that gesture together with other gestures such as crossing legs, looking away, or an angry expression on the face -- that's when it really starts to take on meaning. It's a similar thing here, I think.
Also please keep in mind that these are only excerpts from the book. I tried to post the best parts, but there was a lot I left out.
Bunny -- Yes, the rape victim he's discussing here was raped by a stranger who talked his way into her apartment. But the author does go on to say that the vast majority of women who are raped or murdered are the victims of a spouse/boyfriend. He does talk about domestic violence later in the book and I'll try to post some of that later, at least the list of signs that a spouse/boyfriend might become violent.
It's frightening to hear that you actually felt like the word "no" couldn't be part of your vocabulary. It can be a very hard word to say, but I think if we don't want to be victims any longer we all have to learn to say it and make it stick.
Thanks, all.
I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's so very sad that you can't post openly for fear you will be recognized. I hope the site is helpful and you can always PM us if you need to vent or want to talk.
Thank you!
Sending strength and Hugs,
Thank you.
I wish I was strong and could feel confident with my choices. Your efforts are helping me.
I, too, have studied body language and have used it as a way to feel empowered. It makes perfect sense when you think about it bc how often (like how many times an hour!) have we wondered what the truth really is? Body language is truthful (sure there are those who could consciously fake it like a lie detector but generally speaking).
So now I find myself looking at his body language when he talks. This is really helpful for me to disengage and not become overly emotionally invested. I hadn't thought about the fact that I do this frequently until MaryLouise mentioned it and I really think it would be interesting to give a try. Maybe start with legs for research and then test it at your next conversation. In my case I know it helps me to not get so riled up by falling into his vat of emotional oil. Watching this as he talks helps keep me at the edge of the vat watching him swim around rather than jumping in with him. :-)
"He approached me, and I didn't ask for any help. "
interesting i didn't know it was called typecasting. for me, this isn't about an ex abusing me nor my bf. my parents do this all the time my mom suggested i needed a car cuz where we live, it's a car state no matter if you live in a city or not.
i never asked her to buy me a car, always her idea yet people say im the one who asked. how did i ask when i didn't say anything to begin with? makes no sense. yea, i get typecasted all the time by people as well say tons of shit that isn't even true that i did this or i asked for this etc not true.
i always tell my therapist abusers tactics changes all the time doesnt matter who they are yet she has education in abuse/trauma.