Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
It really is so confusing to me and from what I seen here and about everything I have read too.Life is a state of constant confusion when your spouse or another abuser in your life is in control!Also my experience my abuser,my H is a totally control freak!!!Which makes me question my own thinking it is a vicious cycle of abuse, the belittling, the yelling, intimidating the looks,and complete control of my world! OH I hate it so much and you know when I write it out here it actually clarifies things for me,I can actually see my own reality when I type it out here for you guys to read.Otherwise I question my thoughts, my desires, my wants and my wishes,and what reality is.I can be so sure of what is really going on,then a few days of his so called being nice, and I'm guessing myself is it really that bad, does he mean what he say's when he tells me HE LOVES ME and our family.I don't even want to be around him I'm so done but I guess my own motives it is sort of a guilt I guess, because he is my children's Dad, and I think they will be better off if I continue to put up with him.He has been such a hard working man, who has provide a really nice life for us.With the divorce I will so lose and he will do his best to paint me as an awful Mom, we have been here before, he is so good at whatever he does, and destroying me publicly is a thing he does . I get so confused at what is better to live the life I always have, and put up with his verbal attacks, or leave and fear for my life, and what he will come up with to get me, and he will absolutely, know doubt about it!That's who he is,get on his so called bad side and watch out he will take you down one way or another.Just needed to vent today about my confusing state of mind thanks for listening to me friends.
Stay connected with people who love you and can tell you the "truth".
Its the only way I guarded my sanity - but I still need counseling and have a good friend or two to set me straight at times.
All I can say is "I know" - the constant turmoil, constant confusion, constant rollercoaster ride - horrible life. I am praying I never go there again.
In divorce, I am low on money, hungry at times, don't get to do much, but I have one thing: peace. And is it ever worth it!
Just if you ever divorce, be prepared - that's all I'm saying.
I know what you mean, I would have financially been much better off if I married my ex, but it would have been me trading that for something I will never give away again...myself.
As a child of dysfunction, no, the kids will not be better off in this environment. And it's on your H for breaking the marriage and parenting contract for creating a chaotic, abusive environment. You have done nothing to cause him to be this way, tony.
What strengthfaith said about threats, that's how they keep their control so we are afraid to not cooperate, or ultimately leave. They are tyrants. He's been sure to put those messages in your head..."you WILL lose in a divorce situation". Bull.
Not until being away from my ex for a while did I view him as a small, pathetic man who no longer had power over me. I took so many of those 'messages' he gave me and mentally threw them out and realized one big TRUTH...he was a liar! That's who they are...masterful liars.
Keep venting tony...if it helps, that's a good thing. ~Hugs~
I wanted to teach my boy that abuse is wrong, that I am strong and independent, and worthy of respect and love. And to teach him that I love him and will do whatever I can to give him the best possible life, which means a life free of abuse, a life where I am not a constant wreck - always confused, always afraid, always beaten down and depressed.
I firmly believe that the second worst thing a mother can do is take her kids away from their father. But the worst thing a mother can do is let her kids grow up in an abusive family unit.
I never really thought of my H as a control freak but the way you laid it out had me nodding. "the belittling, the yelling, intimidating the looks,and complete control of my world! "
I too am sick of it. I told myself I would do another year (because of my daughters school) but I don't think I can handle another year. Ever time I watch my H with our daughter I think "that's a moment they wouldn't have if you left him". The guilt is killing me and I'm too afraid to tell H to go to theraphy because he'll react badly. What a horrible mess we've gotten ourselves into, I wish I could wake up. This can't be my life.
all of these posts are so hitting home with me...
I am so confused as well, and question myself..
maybe things aren't so bad..he's been so good for so long (that is, if I ignore the fact that he hit me 2 months ago, or if I ignore all of the sexual pressure, the hysterical anger...) other than that, he's been so nice..
how messed up is that!!!
my worst fear is that I'll talk to people from the shelter and they'll look at me like I'm a whining idiot, and tell me that it's NOT abuse-that there are other women out there that are in way worse predicaments...
oh man, I'm so freaked out.
Oh Rachael you always make me laugh, even with tears of sadness in my eyes. "Other than that, he's been so nice.. "
Minus the physical abuse I can make up a similar list and add that line to it. My MIL who I recently saw reduced to tears at the memory of what her abuser did, will on most days call him a good man or ask her son how he is. We're all just F*cked up in the head, only difference is we know it's not normal.
Oh sh*t, just had an ephinany. We're the definition of crazy. We perform the same action repeatedly expecting a different outcome. Every day I stay with my H is a day I might as well spend sticking my hand into flames expecting the outcome to be pleasure rather than pain.
When an abuser
breaks a nose, bloodies
a lip, sends a victim to the
emergency room after which
there's a trail of documentation,
the victim can leave the abuse
with a clarity that victims of
primarily emotional abuse
may not have.
And when there are children
the mess becomes even muddier.
But we who have already emerged
can tell you with not the least bit
of confusion or un-clarity. . . . . . .
emotional abuse is like
living with a furnace leaking
carbon monoxide.
You can't see it.
You can't smell it.
At low levels it will give you
headaches and a mental fog.
At higher levels it will KILL you.
And if you have children
it will kill them too.
Children who grow up
under the roof of an
abuser and have
no other household
to escape to,
will learn
how to abuse
or
how to be abused.
And THAT is what they will LIVE.
Do NOT be confused.
Abuse ---- even abuse
that's not easily seen
SHATTERS LIVES.
that's not easily seen
SHATTERS LIVES.*
so freaking TRUE, Ilene-great reply!!!!!
I was talking to someone this morning about the confusion that we all feel, and I wonder if part of it (besides the abusers knack of keeping us confused) is that our brains are trying to protect us from our harsh reality. We're all in quite a bit of danger here, and it's got to be hard, living day in day out under all of this tremendous stress..
I wonder if our brain shuts things down, and just runs on some 'stress situation format' just to keep us from running out of the house screaming.
When I was a little girl, I grew up in an extremely abusive household. My step dad molested me and my sister, and beat the crap out of my mom, smashed stuff, kicked us, chased us around with a gun..pulled all of the mega abuse stuff..
yet every day I played barbies, went to school, remembered the physical stuff, and didn't seem too bothered by it..the sexual stuff I sometimes remembered and sometimes didn't..it sounds confusing-but I remember being scared in grade 5 that I was pregnant from him (though there was no way of it happening, as far as I know..plus, we hadn't seen him in a few years) I guess I had some skewed information and was under the impression that sperm could live inside the body for years...waiting.....
so I must have remembered it to some degree...
but then I remember a few years later, just standing in my dining room, and it all came back into my head, very gently, as if the memories had never been gone..
the brain is such an interesting device!!!!!!!!
I can see clearly now the rain is gone......I can see all obstacles in my way.....
Pretty much the moment I walked out with two bag of clothes and my son I could think clearer, see clearer, see him for what he was and what was going on. It snapped into place. Confusion and he ever changing rules were gone. I never looked back. I never lingered to see if he could be human to the kids and I.
I can see clearly now the rain is gone......and I absolutely love my life now.....you would be amazed at how much better it is. And how much I appreciate a normal life.
Now I don't work because he won't let me, I waffle about every little thing from what will he want in his lunch to should I speak today.....
I am confused from morning until night, and it hurts so much.
my hair is falling out!
and I hate leaving the house.
I hate making any decisions about anything.
all of this, due to abuse.