This is a supportive
community, amexdm.

Abuse is not about
gender but about
damage.

What you've described
in your post is typical
abusive behavior.

Abuse is all about
control.

Have you (not as a
couple but just you),
gone to counseling?
If not, would you consider
getting some. . . . . NOT
because you're the
problem, but to learn
how to survive and
possible do better
than survive, in your
present and future life.

I ended a long-term
emotionally abusive
marriage almost ten
years ago. Before I
got out, he had spent
years threatening to
divorce me because
I wasn't a good enough
housekeeper. Finally,
one day, I said to him,
you know, darling. . . .
it's become obvious
that I'll never be able
to keep the house
up to your standards,
and I don't want to
burden you with
spending the rest
of your life in a
pig sty. So,
I'm leaving.
Now you'll be
free to find a
better housekeeper.

At which point,
he begged me
not to go.


Please consider finding
a counselor whose specialty
is dysfunctional family systems
or recovery from abuse.

And. . . do take care of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better things.

Ilene is our expert so please really take what she says to heart. Actually we have a few more that are terrific with their advice also. These are a great bunch.
I would like to say you hit the nail on the head when you said control issues. Sounds about right.
I am a female and my problems with friends (my husband died 11 years ago) are with my female friends taking advantage so I certainly have no problem if you are a male. I do know how crazy some women can be.

As Ilene said, abuse is not about gender. We do have men here and I like to think we are as supportive of them as of the women here (I have heard from other men that not all abuse sites are this way).

As for the backing down, yes it's a control issue. The bottom line, though, is that she never wanted you to leave any more than she wants to leave. The threats were to keep you off balance, keep you trying harder, keep you running in circles to try to please her and keep her. And to keep your focus on whatever was "wrong" with you.

So the question is, what's your next step?

One of the local males, here. This is one of the good sites - respect given is nearly always returned.

I'll bet that the threats to leave were frequently followed shortly with assertations about how devoted she is, she doesn't want to do it, but you make her...

Like the others have said, it's all about control. If she keeps you off balance, confused, she wins. If she gets you actually listening to her, she wins. If you believe it is your fault, she wins, and if even if she merely changes the topic from whatever you were arguing about to divorce instead, she wins.

I second Ilene's call - get thee to an Individual Councellor. NOT a marriage councellor - just you. I hope that you haven't become too familiar with the downsides of being in an abusive relationship yet, but the fact that you're looking for answers tell me that you probably know some of them. There are answers here, though. Welcome!

Welcome amex. If you are looking for more clarity about abuse, let me recommend 'Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. True, it's a book about male abusers, but the patterns are quite similar. That book was the single best source I had for validating my experience when I was leaving my husband, aside from online support.

I second the control issues and the recommendation of Lundy's book. You are welcome here!

We welcome you on this site. No man, woman or child deserves to be treated badly...And yes, women can be abusers too...There are a few men on this site as well. We don't judge here, we try to inform, educate and provide emotional support to whoever needs it. The next time your wife makes an empty threat, and says she is going to leave, make sure she does...even after her '' I am sorry '' speech. She knows you always take her back...I would think this has gotten old after 14 years....Abusers are never sorry, and they never change. Learn how to take care of you. You deserve a better life than you have now. But, no one can change your life for the better, but you. You are not alone.

Thanks to all for your replies and welcome. I didnt mean to sound like a wounded Wally but wanted to make sure men are welcome here. I see that they very much are!
i agree about individual counseling. MC ddnt work. we tried twice but abuser didnt like the answers she gto from MC. I have seen a DV counselor who specializes in men at my local DV clinic. She was alot of help. She validated my thoughts that I was being abused and controlled. She ven helped me get my breaks fixed so I could leave if I needed to. I put in a call to her last week but she hasnt returned my calls. Think she is sick of me. May have to try someone else. But need to get this out. Thnaks all.

Amexdm