This book "Avoiding Mr Wrong (and what to do if you didn't)" really hits home for me. It's by Stephen Arterburn. There is so much good information in here. This section I share here inspires me that leaving is the right thing to do.

Has anyone read this?

I could type up so much from this chapter on The Angry Man. Here is some stuff that really hit home.

"Relating to the angry man"

"You may be done with denial. You see the picture all too clearly. You are embarassed and humiliated at allowing yourself to be treated so poorly all the time. You are sick of living in the pressure cooker of his critical scrutiny and the threat that his rage may erupt at any moment. You may see your sons as beginning to exhibit the same types of behaviors and attitudes toward you as their father. Your daughters may be receiving the same degrading abuse you have received for so long. If you have ahad enough, here are some suggestions:

1. If you are not married to him yet, do not move any closer to him or to marriage. It will not get better when you are married, guaranteed. It will only get worse. Do not fall for the idea that once the ring is on your finger he will feel secure and settle down. Sadly, once he has married you he will feel that he completely owns you, and his attempts to control will only intensify. Move out of the relationship until this guy has gotten help - a lot of help! Or, better yet, find someone who does not meet these criteria (of the angry man). You will want to get some help for yourself to find out why you would be attracted to such a man and why you need to be married so badly that you would consider such a person to be marriage material.

If you are determined to continue the relationship, then let him know what troubles you. Request that he seek counseling for those problems. If he loves you, he will. If he does not, he will move on to someone else or attempt to make you feel like the source of the problem. If he will not get help before you are married, he will not get help afterward.

2. Realize that you will not be able to change him. You did not cause his behavior, and you cannot fix it. If there is a fix in your future, it will come from your getting help and his getting help. Through that combination, he might actually change. But nothing you will do on your own will change him. You are in a battle for your life, your marriage, and for the stability of your kids. Those are all valuable enough to require help from a third party.

3. If he threatens to hit you, act as if he did hit you. Why wait until the blow is actually struck? The threat is intended to be a mental and emotional blow. Sometimes the threat actually carries more force than the fist. Why wait to be hit or allow yourself to be manipulated by threats? The first threat is the time to treat the problem as if it were capital murder. Ask him to leave and not come back until he has learned to manage his anger. If he will not leave, you should find a way to leave. If he loves you, he will do whatever he has to do to get you back in the house.

These may seem like drastic measures over a little threat, but they are not. Since he has so many signs of an angry man, and this is just one of the most obvious ones, it is important that you get help and demand he get help before the problem escalates and you get hooked too deeply into it. Above all else, realize that you are seeing the tip of the iceberg of his threatening behavior.

4. Recognize his pattern of confessing but never genuinely getting the kind of help he needs. He may even go for some type of treatment but continue to blame you for the problem. He may accept a separation and say he recognizes his unloving behaviors, yet at the same time say that if only you were different he would not have reacted so badly. None of this behavior is true remorse.

You must break this cycle with the courage to take action. You must stop listening to what he says and only look at what he does. His words are lies, and his actions are destructive. Wishful thinking will not change that. What often does change it is your changing and his learning that the old rules no longer apply. If his self-pitying apologies stop getting the result he wants, he may desire or be forced to move on to some other mode. That mode could involve a healthy change. If you continue to listen to what he says, it will never happen.


5. If he has hit you or hurt you or your children, do not stay. Leave immediately. Get help. Do not remain where he can get at you. Do not believe he will change without treatment and separation. Go whether you have money, a car, or clothes. Run, do not walk. Do not go back. He needs to have you around so he can hit you and so avoid his fear of abandonment. The best thing you can do for him is to stay away. As long as he has you around, he will not have to face himself and his terror of abandonment. Not going back does not mean you have to get a divorce. It means staying safe and, if need be, living apart until he has truly gotten help and changed. Fro many women, especially those who are Christians, this move is very tough. They have a hard time seeing that there are circumstances where staying is the "bad" thing to do, and leaving is the "good" thing to do.

*If he threatens you or hurts you and/or your children, find a way to leave. Most large cities have an organization like "Women helping women". Call your local YMCA, the police dept, the United Way office, or the alcoholism council in your area. They will be able to help point you toward help. Some cities even run "safe houses" for battered women and children. Be sure to take photos of bruises and serious injuries, and seek medical help immediately. Never lie to emergency room workers. If necessary get a restraning order agains him. Christian counseling is available in many cities. Call 1-800-NEW-LIFE, and our team will direct you to the level of care most appropriate cfor you, through New Life Clinics or another agency.

Staying results in greater sickness and sinful results for the entire family. Leaving becomes the only hope for initiating change. Some pastors may tell you to stay and submit to the abuse. If you are influenced by that type of teaching, you need to ask yourself why you would accept such distortion of the truth. Some ministers who teach this actually believe it is the right thing to do. They believe it allows God to use the situation to make you more godly. They believe to do otherwise is dishonoring of God. God can do all of that without your staying around to be hit or placing your children in danger. Unfortunately, there are some ministers who are just like your husband, and you are not getting an unbiased opinion. No one should ever subject themselves to physical harm. Your job is to get yourself and your children to safety. No matter what the price, no matter what the sacrifice, you must get away.

You must not let any excuse be good enough to prevent you from taking action. Money, security, loneliness, and many other issues will glue you to the current situation. Don't allow them to do so. Your depression may sap you to your drive to find alternatives. They are there if you will look for them. If you cannot look for them, ask for help from a friend, a minister, or a counseling professional. Ask them to help you save your family.

6. Learn not to be a victim....Are you overly apologetic? Do you blame yourself for his behaviors? Do you set him up so you will get what you think you deserve? Take self-defense training. Get into therapy. Learn how to set limits. Learn how to handle your own anger...

7. Develop your spiritual life...An angry man creates a life of hell around him. Those living in that hell often get used to the heat rather than run from it..."

There is so much good information from this book, I wanted to share some.