Sometimes there is an apology frmm mine, but usually not right away and only if I stand up for myself and he seems to get scared i might leave him. The honeymoon is not long lived, but mine doesnt get angry all the time. He isnt one to just be in a bad mood and take it out on me. Its when I do or say something that he doesnt like, usually something that makes him look at himself for something he has done.

He never has admit to what he has done as being "abuse" or "domestic violence". He maybe has said it was wrong. But usually its just expected to be forgotten and done with.

Its hard to figure out these abusers. I think they all the same in some aspects and so different in others. I guess its best that we just not try to figure it out, and concentrate on ourselves getting to a better, healthier place.

Very - he never will admit that what he does is abuse or DV. Never.

Now, if he hears about it happening to someone else, he'll probably be outraged and wonder why the girl doesn't stand up for herself. That's my H. He had an affair with a girl 10 years younger than himself. I don't want to go into all of the details in this post, but after I found out, he told me what a manipulative a-hole the OW's H is, and how he mistreats her. He even told me that she told him about her H holding her down and spitting in her face to make her tell him something. He tells me that OW's H is so mean to her and tries to control her every move. I feel sorry for the girl, I really do! As much as I hate her for what she did, no one deserves to be treated that way. But, my H does not even realize that he does much of the same things! (in a heated argument one evening, I told him that he's no better than OW's H and if he looked at the way he treated me... He acted like he was so hurt and even said "some things you can never take back. I can't believe you would even dare to compare me with that ___ "(don't remember the exact word he used) He has not let me forget about it either) He thinks that OW is weak and helpless and will never stand up for herself. He just doesn't get it! Now I am mad again!

Cali, I can relate to the shortened "honeymoon" phase. I was actually saying that to my H. I said to him it seems as if we can't even get through a couple days, never mind a week before something happens again. It used to last so much longer, but I guess with me, I am just not ignoring things like I used to....I see what is going on and before I may have turned a blind eye.....but is the "honeymoon" over? For me it is. He will apologize for what happens, if he sees that he did something to hurt me, but as Very said, he would NEVER see what he does as abusive. Brought up the "A" word one day and he completely flipped out, bringing up the one time I smacked him across the back, not something I am proud of and I know that I was totally wrong for and forever sorry for, after the upteenth time that night being called such vulgar names.....Needless to say, HE'S not the abuser, but I am.

Stay strong and (((((((BIG HUGS))))))) to you

Mine was so vehemently and adamantly against domestic violence that for a long time I was in total denial that that was exactly where I was.

They are highly unlikely to admit that what they are doing is abuse ... it is always somehow your fault.

That said, the length of the honeymoon cycle, I think, depends on how much control they have over you. If they do not fear that you are going to leave, then they are not trying to be on their best behavior. After the last time before the final time I left, we had a 3-month honeymoon period.

Hi Cali ---

I believe that references to cycles ---- such as the typical cycle of mourning or the cycle of power and abuse ---- are generalizations, and no generalization can apply to a variety of circumstances.

I see in your profile you've been married over five years. What you describe is typical of being together with an abuser that long. It's possible if you actually picked up and moved out, you might see a brief honeymoon phase again. (Yuck.)

Please take good care. Focus on yourself and your son.

I.

P.S.

Regarding their "admitting" they're abusive?????

Aint gonna happen and we put ouselves at risk trying to make it happen!