Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, holidays are always hostile and tense in our family. The past few years I have struck out with the determination that I am not going to allow him to ruin my kids' holidays, no matter the cost to my sanity or my wallet, but it seems he just keeps ramping up his tactics each year to counter me. Ugghhh!! So, anyway, I won't get into a long drawn out discussion of the dynamics of this Christmas (I already went there in my journal and it was exhausting even to write, let alone for someone to have to read!!), but I have come to a crossroads and want some feedback for others who have maybe been in this place.
My husband has a 20 year old daughter whom he has not been around since she was very small. Her mother went to great lengths to keep him from seeing her until the girl was nearly 17 and started reaching out on her own. I was told (and am ashamed to admit that I actually believed it) that the reason he couldn't see his daughter was me and my girls--that her mother was angry that he had another family and that she hated me and didn't want her daughter around me. Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe I now understand that the reasons had nothing to do with me and my girls, and everything to do with him. But that's another story. I have seen how he is with this young girl and it really bothers me. He treats her no differently than he treats me, in terms of his expectations that she go out of her way to contact him and make him happy while he does little for her, and how he is quick to cuss at her and "put her in her place" (his words) if she dares to call him out on his behaviors. Christmas was just another example of this.
The crazy thing is, he has always been completely oblivious and neglectful of our daughters, but for some reason I thought this was because I was there; actually I can't even tell you what I thought because I really don't know at this point. The point is, I guess I didn't realize how hurtful and hateful he could be to others, even though the evidence stares me in the face every day. I guess I felt that my covering for his ignorance and giving more to them was enough to make up for his actions; that is until I saw the hurt and devastation in that child's eyes on Christmas day when her father could not even be bothered with coming to see her when she drove four hours from college to see him on the holidays. I realized that this pain and devastation is the same thing my girls are going through and that it is simply who he is....it isn't going to change when they get older, he isn't suddenly going to be a loving, caring father who makes up for all the neglect and emotional abuse he has dished out over the years. And whether she realizes it or not, she is the lucky one who grew up in a "normal" family; her stepfather, mother, and grandparents have shielded her from the worst of him; something I failed to do for my own kids. (But again, I digress and get into feeling sorry for myself and making excuses I think).
I have always believed, having been in the middle of a parental divorce that got really ugly and dragged us kids into the middle of grown up things we had no business knowing, that parents have no business making their kids privy to the inner workings of their parents' relationship. I have worked hard to hide from my kids my own hurt and anger at their father; to make excuses for his neglect of them; and to continuously tell them how much he loves them. In short, I have lied and hidden things from my kids. Is this worse? I don't want them to think there is something wrong with them that is causing him to ignore and mistreat them. Do I talk to them about his behavior? Or is this worse--letting a 13 and 15 year old know that their father is an abuser? I am torn. I want to do what is right for them, and give them the best chance at future happiness. They certainly aren't stupid--they see what is going on, do you think they think this is normal behavior and will accept this from their own relationships? I don't know why suddenly I am starting to rethink my whole strategy with them because I saw the devastation in another child's eyes, but I am. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
My husband has a 20 year old daughter whom he has not been around since she was very small. Her mother went to great lengths to keep him from seeing her until the girl was nearly 17 and started reaching out on her own. I was told (and am ashamed to admit that I actually believed it) that the reason he couldn't see his daughter was me and my girls--that her mother was angry that he had another family and that she hated me and didn't want her daughter around me. Hindsight is 20/20 and I believe I now understand that the reasons had nothing to do with me and my girls, and everything to do with him. But that's another story. I have seen how he is with this young girl and it really bothers me. He treats her no differently than he treats me, in terms of his expectations that she go out of her way to contact him and make him happy while he does little for her, and how he is quick to cuss at her and "put her in her place" (his words) if she dares to call him out on his behaviors. Christmas was just another example of this.
The crazy thing is, he has always been completely oblivious and neglectful of our daughters, but for some reason I thought this was because I was there; actually I can't even tell you what I thought because I really don't know at this point. The point is, I guess I didn't realize how hurtful and hateful he could be to others, even though the evidence stares me in the face every day. I guess I felt that my covering for his ignorance and giving more to them was enough to make up for his actions; that is until I saw the hurt and devastation in that child's eyes on Christmas day when her father could not even be bothered with coming to see her when she drove four hours from college to see him on the holidays. I realized that this pain and devastation is the same thing my girls are going through and that it is simply who he is....it isn't going to change when they get older, he isn't suddenly going to be a loving, caring father who makes up for all the neglect and emotional abuse he has dished out over the years. And whether she realizes it or not, she is the lucky one who grew up in a "normal" family; her stepfather, mother, and grandparents have shielded her from the worst of him; something I failed to do for my own kids. (But again, I digress and get into feeling sorry for myself and making excuses I think).
I have always believed, having been in the middle of a parental divorce that got really ugly and dragged us kids into the middle of grown up things we had no business knowing, that parents have no business making their kids privy to the inner workings of their parents' relationship. I have worked hard to hide from my kids my own hurt and anger at their father; to make excuses for his neglect of them; and to continuously tell them how much he loves them. In short, I have lied and hidden things from my kids. Is this worse? I don't want them to think there is something wrong with them that is causing him to ignore and mistreat them. Do I talk to them about his behavior? Or is this worse--letting a 13 and 15 year old know that their father is an abuser? I am torn. I want to do what is right for them, and give them the best chance at future happiness. They certainly aren't stupid--they see what is going on, do you think they think this is normal behavior and will accept this from their own relationships? I don't know why suddenly I am starting to rethink my whole strategy with them because I saw the devastation in another child's eyes, but I am. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
I grew up being told that my father, despite his indifference and occasional outright hostility towards me, was a good man and loved me. That, for me, was very damaging because I grew up thinking that there was something wrong with me. My husband reinforced that, and I am just now starting to really feel that none of the poor treatment came because I deserved it. I don't want my children to grow up thinking they are the problem. For me, that meant giving them the distance that the divorce has provided, and the perspective of that distance. And validating them when they make observations about his behavior. That's just my own philosophy on the matter. I know it's hard, but I feel that honesty is the best way.
I am celebrating the holidays alone, and it is absolute heaven for me. So very peaceful. So stress free.
And when his mother was alive and I was forced to spend Christmas with his family, I called it "festive family occasions aka hell at the holidays."
So it is heavenly peace at the holidays! Trust me, along beats abuse!