possumlady, that's classic emotional abuser speak. Turning it back on you (and now your son). You are not "too sensitive." There's no such thing. You are you. He is using that accusation as more validation for him to say whatever the heck he wants to say to hurt you. You take offense (rightly so!!!) and he huffs and says that you're too sensitive.

It's not appropriate for a child, either! Your boy IS sensitive, and your husband is going to kill that. Your son is actually doing a good thing by leaving the room (so he can deal with his feelings on his own). Your husband, then, is "losing" the "game" because his victim is gone, so he ramps up the insults.

possumlady, I've read your story, and my heart really hurts for you and your son. You know what is happening is wrong. Your husband is NOT going to change. Please continue to read and gain strength, and work to leave. It's really the only way. Hugs.

Yes, a theme. A pattern of abuse. Which entitles him to criticize everyone and then accuse them of being "too sensitve".

That is when I realized what the hell was going on in my marriage. My ex started to do it to my son, and while I had believed that I might have deserved it, I KNEW my son did not. It was just a short leap to realizing that I DID NOT deserve it either, and that HE was the one with the problem.

I have said many many times, that my son saved my life. Because the abuse to him opened my eyes to the whole big picture. He was about 8 or 9 when I began to plan my escape. If my ex had just left him alone, I might still be there, thinking I was the one with the problem. And my son would still be there, and would most likely not be the wonderful happy kid he is today.

My son is STILL (at 19) trying to recover in his own way from his father's brutal words, which became more brutal over the years. This is the main reason I KNEW I had to get out, to give either one of us a chance at a joyful, happy, normal life....

My ex even went to far as to validate what he did by saying, "it's better that my son hear it from family than a stranger." Yes he really said that. I told my son's therapist who basically gasped. And said, That " if a kid grows up having to take it from the family, he will take it from anyone. The family is where you get your sense of self worth, where you set the boundaries of what kind of behavior you will accept and not accept."

It makes me sick to think that because i was unable for whatever myriad of reasons to leave when he was young, that he had to live his formative years with this man. I think my son will be ok, so far so good. But I doubt if he will ever look back at his childhood fondly.

Your son needs you to set him free. You are the only one who can save him. You have to start to see this clearly, and see the devastating damage that your h is doing not just to you but to your beautiful child, who was innocent in all of this.

Remember that doing nothing is doing something. Doing nothing is the passive way of allowing it continue, your son will see it as tacit approval of what is going on. Not meaning to be harsh here, just trying to help you see what needs to happen for your son's sake. To help motivate you to save both of you. Love him enough to do what has to be done.....

Your ex is an abuser who continues
to do his thing.

I urge you to find a highly qualified
therapist ---- who understands
abuse and abusers ----- and make
sure that your son is hearing healthy
messages that counter the abuse.

Thanks for your replies, guess I just need some validation

Had to be proud of my son. When his dad demanded that he come back inside and 'talk' about it, telling him that he had to find another way of dealing with things (other than trying to get away), my son said 'I just want to go and have fun, I don't want to spend all day talking to you' He knows that talking = being told . Such words from I 9 year old, I have often thought them but never had the courage to say them!

Seems everyone is getting sick of how things are. Later in the day my H was playing badminton in the yard with my 2 older kids. He drove my daughter so crazy by telling her how she should be playing and calling her style 'retarded' that she threw down her racquet and walked off.

Wonder if the message is getting across?

What message?

There should be an understanding point of when to talk to your husband about these things that happen in your house, your kids are innocent, if you think about it, all they want is a loving mom and dad, if your child has these feelings of being emotionally hurt in their own family especially in their own home then you should really step up and take action, don't let your kids get involved in this mess, men like that usually never click in the head with any message you try to give them, when they know they are home they know that have that much control in front of them.

Focus on what you have to recover and repair in your relationship, at the end, find out if it's even worth, you seemed stressed out about him, your kids are nearly getting emotionally abused by him, what more do you need to realize that this could be a future problem all over again, other than just typing it down in some forum like it just happened yesterday, take the necessary steps you need.

Best Wishes.

Thankyou for your replies

I know that it may seem a little crazy and obvious to all that what is going on in my marriage is not good or healthy. I keep posting because I need to convince myself. For at least 15 years of my marriage, I blamed myself for the problems and for my husband's behaviour. He has also blamed me for his anger and frustration. It takes some time to unravel the tangle of emotions and see clearly. I know that I have had a part to play in the whole disaster and I need to look at that as well.. Thankyou for your patience, I do consider everything you say and am grateful for your concern...

Whatever negaitve you contributed
weigh in with less importance than
his being abusive.

You are not repsonsible
for his behavior.

There is no excuse for abuse.