I was in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship.

I've had counseling, more than once to help me through. I still have this residual stuff inside my head...leftover thoughts that come and go...the good and the bad memories. It gets better and then it will rear up and I feel unsafe. I don't know the exact psychological diagnosis of this person, but know he was pathologically whack...

He was charming and bright, fun and endearing...how did I miss the signs...but I did and then insulated myself from the red flags that were staring me in the face. I know that there was some kind of foolish nonsense in me that despite intelligence was emotionally rattled and just kept hanging in there...knowing that it was not just bad, not just dangerous, but continuing to escalate.

If anyone told me the things that I was experiencing, I would have told them to run...I still have shame and confusion lingering about all that transpired, feel guilt and remorse. About what happened, for the way I handled it...

He was criminally sick, but I was sick too. Now I don't feel that I ever want to open myself up to a relationship... have no desire to put myself in a situation where I might make similar bad judgments.

Trust in self takes time to rebuild. I did such a spectacularly bad job in that situation, that it is hard to forgive myself. I don't live in this attitude daily, but it still lies beneath the surface...and I don't want to try again.

I don't have the energy to share the details of my story...but I pressed charges and he went to jail for what he did. I eventually got involved with him again. It was about six months after his release. I'm not proud of that fact at all. But in order to be real, need to tell the truth. One day he exploded over the littlest thing and I locked him out of the house. He left and committed an act of aggressive driving against an innocent female motorist. He was arrested and put in prison. The DA informed me that he had another relationship prior to the one we had, that went to court, he was not jailed, but put on probation for his actions, anger management, psychological evaluation and counseling.

I was afraid of him and sadly, but to be honest....afraid for him...so not right in my thinking. I also thought that I had to edge my way out...carefully and slowly extricate myself. I tried to get his family and friends to remove his possessions from my property and had a huge mess on my hands. I get that I did things stupidly, but I was afraid to put his things by the road, bring more violence back to my door upon his release. His family refused to come get or accept the return of his things. Threatened me with violence upon trying.

I finally saved enough money to pay for a truck and trailer to remove the things. Arranged with his friends to get them all taken away. No it shouldn't have been my responsibility or my problem, but I had several vehicles, a trailer, a camper...lots of personal items on my property and had this residual fear of him hurting me, his family hurting me if I just disposed of them.

The day the last item was hauled away, I felt a lightness, this huge burden lifted off me, but still felt unsafe. He was eventually released on probation and one of the first things he did was contact me at work. He told me he was going to kill himself...I hung up the phone, shaking, started crying and then called the police. He not only called, but sent me a FB invitation at my work e-mail address to be his friend. There is a no contact order in place until 2020. He was picked up and finally admitted what he had done, so I did not have to testify regarding what happened. He was moved from jail to prison, but the chief told me he will be up for release next fall.

I don't feel safe...he is a predator who believes that he loves me (erotomania). I know his behavior will never change. I do not want another woman to ever go through this, pray that they never reinstate his license to drive. Also pray that they will not release him, but listen to my testimony at the parole board hearing.

Not long after he went to prison, the phone rang early in the morning. When I picked up the call, music was playing...a song that has meaning from our relationship. I dropped the phone and began to shake...sat there and got it together enough to call the chief and determine that he was definitively locked up. I don't know how he did it, but it scared me. The chief explained how prisoners can thwart the phone system and make 3 way calls. It takes time to be alright in the aftermath...lots of time. The chief absolutely believed me every step of the way. I am very appreciative of that.

I tried to sell my home, but got no offers at all. The economy is very rough --- in the middle of this year, was critically ill and am now unable to work, going through the disability process. I want to move before he is again released, pray for something positive to come about for me to be able to live in a place where I feel safe.

I'm different than the woman who was involved with that man...no longer open or trusting. He showed me who he was and I still let him back in...that is on me. I will never be that person again. I wanted to believe that he could change, that I could help him change... I had never been in such a destructive situation. I have read a great deal, learned a great deal about this since that time. I have spent a lot of time soul searching and in prayer to be completely healed of this. I had such wrong thinking (an emotional sickness in me) despite his pattern of behavior.

Forgiveness of self and healing take time...