There are days when I feel undeserving. Even when I haven't spoken to him in months, I still hear his voice in the back of my head telling me how unsuccessful I will be, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not smart enough, that I won't ever make it without him. And most of the time I think that he's right. I have days when anger fills my whole body, a blinding rage seeing nothing but red. I hate him. I want nothing more than to get in his face and make him feel like shit for what he did to me. I want to scream at him. Days go by where it feels impossible to get out of bed. I lay there and stare at the ceiling for hours not wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. I just lay there trying to figure out where I went wrong and what I could have possibly done to deserve being treated like this. Somedays I worry. I check my phone constantly. I check his social media. I text him. I get this overwhelmong fear that he isn't okay and I feel like I will suffocate if I don't talk to him. Sometimes I just flat out miss him. There's a pit in my stomach and a deep ache in my chest that gets worse with every breathe. He's here. He's gone. And I'm just stuck in limbo waiting on him to change his mind again. His friends tell me stories that are so completely heartbreaking. Just when I think that it's impossible for him to hurt me anymore than he already has, he crushes me. I'm up and down with emotions all the time. Confusion. Anger. Hurt. Depressed. Relieved. Happy. Everytime I move on with my life, he comes running back. It is so hard to imagine the man that wakes me up with a kiss and breakfast in bed and takes me on picnics is also the man that stumbles home at 3 AM just to smack me across the face. We haven't been together for a long time and it's really hard listening to him say that he's changed and that he will do better this time. It's so hard to hear him promise me the whole damn world knowing that he won't ever make good on it. I'd like to spend my life with the man that I know that he can be but he's only that person when he wants to be. He needs help. A lot of help. And you can't help someone who doesn't want it. Someone that doesn't even see that there is a problem. I have allowed his behavior and his problems to take over my life and I'm so tired of bending over backwards for someone who only comes around when it's convenient. I spend my time trying to fix every little thing that goes wrong for him. I try to save him everytime he calls me crying, begging me to help. I am nothing to him and it kills me everytime he says he loves me or asks me to marry him. It's hard to say no when he's offering everything I want.