Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Excuse me for a moment while I step slightly out of character. Profanity ahead.
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE SHIT AND THE FOG AND THE FAKE FUCKING BALANCE THAT MUST BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!! I WISH MY FUCKING CLUELESS WIFE WOULD PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER OWN ASS LONG ENOUGH TO SEE REALITY - AND THE INSTANT SHE STARTED TO, THE PRISSY KNOW-IT-ALL MC SHUTS ME DOWN AND ENCOURAGES HER TO STOP LISTENING TO ME, TO REJECT WHAT I'M SAYING, AND THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY JUST ME ACTING OUT OF A DEEP-ROOTED FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED THAT'S MAKING ME LASH OUT AT HER AND PUT IMPOSSIBLE CONSTRAINTS ON HER.
I'M THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SAYING THAT HER GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO SWALLOW, AND ME SAYING IF SHE GOES, I'M GOING TO DIVORCE HER IS SIMPLY INDICATIVE OF ME EXCERCIZING CONTROL OVER HER.
My wife was looking for an example of her loving and respecting me. Her example? I love theatre, but she didn't like how much time it took away from the family. But because she loved me, she kept her objections quiet, and let me do theatre, anyway.
I pointed out that I felt it was MORE loving and respectful of me to actually talk to her and tell her I had issues, rather than letting it fester, but no, that's me no accepting her wishes and requiring her to do what I want. She apparently has no voice. And my pointing out that 'letting' me do theatre is indicative of her assumption of authority over me - that's clearly just amazing to her that I'm so wrapped up in control issues that I can't even accept little turn of phrase like "let"
And when I admitted - in these words: "Ok - I admit - and this isn't going to be easy for you to hear - that I don't trust you to have control over me anymore. I don't trust you with that power. You've had it in the past, and I don't like how you used it."
And then the MC FUCKING TALKS OVER ME, CUTTING ME OFF "i'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE - THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLY HURTFUL THING TO SAY, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRIGGERED BY CONTROL ISSUES. YOU'RE NOT OWNING YOUR SHARE OF THIS PROBLEM - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAD AN AFFAIR. YOU WANT TO PIN ALL OF THE BLAME ON HER, AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR PART TO OWN YOUR HALF OF THESE PROBLEMS YOU'VE CO-CREATED. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TALK, AND OUR TIME IS UP. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT WHEN WE SCRATCH THE SURFACE ,SHE BREAKS DOWN EMOTIONALLY, AND YOU RESPOND WITH ANGER - YOU'VE OVBIOUSLY BEEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED BY SOMEONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU NEED TO OWN THAT AND WORK ON IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF WORK ON YOU, BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO REPAIR OR IMPROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP...."
I can't go on. I"m so angry right now. not so much at my wife, but at that stupid, idiotic MC. I'm furious. And starting to worry about the crash once the anger subsides
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE SHIT AND THE FOG AND THE FAKE FUCKING BALANCE THAT MUST BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!! I WISH MY FUCKING CLUELESS WIFE WOULD PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER OWN ASS LONG ENOUGH TO SEE REALITY - AND THE INSTANT SHE STARTED TO, THE PRISSY KNOW-IT-ALL MC SHUTS ME DOWN AND ENCOURAGES HER TO STOP LISTENING TO ME, TO REJECT WHAT I'M SAYING, AND THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY JUST ME ACTING OUT OF A DEEP-ROOTED FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED THAT'S MAKING ME LASH OUT AT HER AND PUT IMPOSSIBLE CONSTRAINTS ON HER.
I'M THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SAYING THAT HER GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO SWALLOW, AND ME SAYING IF SHE GOES, I'M GOING TO DIVORCE HER IS SIMPLY INDICATIVE OF ME EXCERCIZING CONTROL OVER HER.
My wife was looking for an example of her loving and respecting me. Her example? I love theatre, but she didn't like how much time it took away from the family. But because she loved me, she kept her objections quiet, and let me do theatre, anyway.
I pointed out that I felt it was MORE loving and respectful of me to actually talk to her and tell her I had issues, rather than letting it fester, but no, that's me no accepting her wishes and requiring her to do what I want. She apparently has no voice. And my pointing out that 'letting' me do theatre is indicative of her assumption of authority over me - that's clearly just amazing to her that I'm so wrapped up in control issues that I can't even accept little turn of phrase like "let"
And when I admitted - in these words: "Ok - I admit - and this isn't going to be easy for you to hear - that I don't trust you to have control over me anymore. I don't trust you with that power. You've had it in the past, and I don't like how you used it."
And then the MC FUCKING TALKS OVER ME, CUTTING ME OFF "i'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE - THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLY HURTFUL THING TO SAY, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRIGGERED BY CONTROL ISSUES. YOU'RE NOT OWNING YOUR SHARE OF THIS PROBLEM - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAD AN AFFAIR. YOU WANT TO PIN ALL OF THE BLAME ON HER, AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR PART TO OWN YOUR HALF OF THESE PROBLEMS YOU'VE CO-CREATED. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TALK, AND OUR TIME IS UP. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT WHEN WE SCRATCH THE SURFACE ,SHE BREAKS DOWN EMOTIONALLY, AND YOU RESPOND WITH ANGER - YOU'VE OVBIOUSLY BEEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED BY SOMEONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU NEED TO OWN THAT AND WORK ON IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF WORK ON YOU, BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO REPAIR OR IMPROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP...."
I can't go on. I"m so angry right now. not so much at my wife, but at that stupid, idiotic MC. I'm furious. And starting to worry about the crash once the anger subsides
The tone, attitude and direction of your MC reminds me much of the MC we saw for a few months. She told me in private that she had been married to a Narc and was very familiar with abusive relationships. In a joint session she actually told my H his behavior had been abusive. Yeah rah for me.
However, there was another element to this all that sounds very familiar to what you describe. In all honesty I felt like she might have been working out her own issues through me. It seems many people, even those trained to not be biased, become so after dealing with an abusive person. If she has been having many sessions with her alone you can imagine the kind of stuff she is saying to her. They know how to appear compliant. And they can be calm (though doesn't sound like your wife has been consistently) so when you get emotional it appears YOU are the one with the issues.
I was the first to admit I had many of my own problems to work on. But MC was NOT the place to be discussing them next to an abusive person foaming at the mouth in anticipation of his refill from which to continue blaming me.
I don't know what your MC deal is but the things I described may be a part of it too. It is beyond frustrating when you're jumping up and down and calling for attention to the fact the house is burning down while some ill advised counselor puts their hands on your shoulders and says "I can't hear you when you talk like that...you need to calm down." Please address the house burning down before you address my jumping up and down. Perhaps if you did I wouldn't feel the need to be jumping up and down!!
So sorry Bax. How very discouraging. :-(
Thankfully, at the institute we go to, we have an MC, and each of us has our own IC. They all can communicate with each other, but that way, we do have some protections. Plus, in IC, they actually prefer to have 2 MC's in there, so that it is less likely to become 2 vs. 1, but the way the schedules worked out the last three months or so, we only had the 1.
I will be bringing this up in my next IC meeting, adn then at the next MC, as well. I don't need to pay money to be downtrodden - my wife is willing to do it for free.
ehope is right, though, in that I have learned a great deal from it. It simply hasn't been much help in restoring our marriage. Who knows - it may very well have played a significant role in keeping things from getting worse.
I am learning to love this person from afar.....and taking MY LIFE BACK!!! Hugs understanding and lots of care your way.!If someone needs time away,Give it and don't look back!Take care~ I hear you! ;)