Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Excuse me for a moment while I step slightly out of character. Profanity ahead.
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE SHIT AND THE FOG AND THE FAKE FUCKING BALANCE THAT MUST BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!! I WISH MY FUCKING CLUELESS WIFE WOULD PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER OWN ASS LONG ENOUGH TO SEE REALITY - AND THE INSTANT SHE STARTED TO, THE PRISSY KNOW-IT-ALL MC SHUTS ME DOWN AND ENCOURAGES HER TO STOP LISTENING TO ME, TO REJECT WHAT I'M SAYING, AND THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY JUST ME ACTING OUT OF A DEEP-ROOTED FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED THAT'S MAKING ME LASH OUT AT HER AND PUT IMPOSSIBLE CONSTRAINTS ON HER.
I'M THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SAYING THAT HER GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO SWALLOW, AND ME SAYING IF SHE GOES, I'M GOING TO DIVORCE HER IS SIMPLY INDICATIVE OF ME EXCERCIZING CONTROL OVER HER.
My wife was looking for an example of her loving and respecting me. Her example? I love theatre, but she didn't like how much time it took away from the family. But because she loved me, she kept her objections quiet, and let me do theatre, anyway.
I pointed out that I felt it was MORE loving and respectful of me to actually talk to her and tell her I had issues, rather than letting it fester, but no, that's me no accepting her wishes and requiring her to do what I want. She apparently has no voice. And my pointing out that 'letting' me do theatre is indicative of her assumption of authority over me - that's clearly just amazing to her that I'm so wrapped up in control issues that I can't even accept little turn of phrase like "let"
And when I admitted - in these words: "Ok - I admit - and this isn't going to be easy for you to hear - that I don't trust you to have control over me anymore. I don't trust you with that power. You've had it in the past, and I don't like how you used it."
And then the MC FUCKING TALKS OVER ME, CUTTING ME OFF "i'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE - THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLY HURTFUL THING TO SAY, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRIGGERED BY CONTROL ISSUES. YOU'RE NOT OWNING YOUR SHARE OF THIS PROBLEM - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAD AN AFFAIR. YOU WANT TO PIN ALL OF THE BLAME ON HER, AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR PART TO OWN YOUR HALF OF THESE PROBLEMS YOU'VE CO-CREATED. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TALK, AND OUR TIME IS UP. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT WHEN WE SCRATCH THE SURFACE ,SHE BREAKS DOWN EMOTIONALLY, AND YOU RESPOND WITH ANGER - YOU'VE OVBIOUSLY BEEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED BY SOMEONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU NEED TO OWN THAT AND WORK ON IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF WORK ON YOU, BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO REPAIR OR IMPROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP...."
I can't go on. I"m so angry right now. not so much at my wife, but at that stupid, idiotic MC. I'm furious. And starting to worry about the crash once the anger subsides
DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!!! I AM SO FUCKING TIRED OF THE SHIT AND THE FOG AND THE FAKE FUCKING BALANCE THAT MUST BE PRESERVED AT ALL COSTS!!! I WISH MY FUCKING CLUELESS WIFE WOULD PULL HER HEAD OUT OF HER OWN ASS LONG ENOUGH TO SEE REALITY - AND THE INSTANT SHE STARTED TO, THE PRISSY KNOW-IT-ALL MC SHUTS ME DOWN AND ENCOURAGES HER TO STOP LISTENING TO ME, TO REJECT WHAT I'M SAYING, AND THAT IT'S OBVIOUSLY JUST ME ACTING OUT OF A DEEP-ROOTED FEAR OF BEING CONTROLLED THAT'S MAKING ME LASH OUT AT HER AND PUT IMPOSSIBLE CONSTRAINTS ON HER.
I'M THE FUCKING BAD GUY FOR SAYING THAT HER GOING ON YET ANOTHER VACATION IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO SWALLOW, AND ME SAYING IF SHE GOES, I'M GOING TO DIVORCE HER IS SIMPLY INDICATIVE OF ME EXCERCIZING CONTROL OVER HER.
My wife was looking for an example of her loving and respecting me. Her example? I love theatre, but she didn't like how much time it took away from the family. But because she loved me, she kept her objections quiet, and let me do theatre, anyway.
I pointed out that I felt it was MORE loving and respectful of me to actually talk to her and tell her I had issues, rather than letting it fester, but no, that's me no accepting her wishes and requiring her to do what I want. She apparently has no voice. And my pointing out that 'letting' me do theatre is indicative of her assumption of authority over me - that's clearly just amazing to her that I'm so wrapped up in control issues that I can't even accept little turn of phrase like "let"
And when I admitted - in these words: "Ok - I admit - and this isn't going to be easy for you to hear - that I don't trust you to have control over me anymore. I don't trust you with that power. You've had it in the past, and I don't like how you used it."
And then the MC FUCKING TALKS OVER ME, CUTTING ME OFF "i'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT THERE - THAT WAS AN INCREDIBLY HURTFUL THING TO SAY, AND YOU'RE OBVIOUSLY TRIGGERED BY CONTROL ISSUES. YOU'RE NOT OWNING YOUR SHARE OF THIS PROBLEM - YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HAD AN AFFAIR. YOU WANT TO PIN ALL OF THE BLAME ON HER, AND YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR PART TO OWN YOUR HALF OF THESE PROBLEMS YOU'VE CO-CREATED. NO, I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU TALK, AND OUR TIME IS UP. I THINK IT'S INTERESTING THAT WHEN WE SCRATCH THE SURFACE ,SHE BREAKS DOWN EMOTIONALLY, AND YOU RESPOND WITH ANGER - YOU'VE OVBIOUSLY BEEN REALLY EMOTIONALLY WOUNDED BY SOMEONE IN THE PAST, AND YOU NEED TO OWN THAT AND WORK ON IT IF YOU'RE GOING TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP. YOU'VE DONE A LOT OF WORK ON YOU, BUT I DON'T SEE ANYTHING YOU'VE DONE TO REPAIR OR IMPROVE THIS RELATIONSHIP...."
I can't go on. I"m so angry right now. not so much at my wife, but at that stupid, idiotic MC. I'm furious. And starting to worry about the crash once the anger subsides
I am so very sorry. I can feel your pain and frustration and anger.
MC IS NOT FOR "MARRIAGES" like these.
I'm sending you strength. Validation. Everything you're looking for and simply not getting.
Work on yourself. YOU know the real story of how your marriage is. Don't listen to some half assed MC. They don't know everything. And they truly do just make us more confused and give validation to our spouses.
Mind boggling.
Stay the course. You're strong. You can do this.
Hugs, xo
Is there any way you can get away from this woman who seems to think she gets it but doesn't? It's hurting you so much, and it's crystal clear why. My mouth dropped open at what she said to you! If she knew the reality, she would eat her words...
We are all here for you. Massive (((HUGS))) xxx
I believe that this community
hears and (ieven ncluding
dissenters), affirms your
frustration and your feelings.
I'm the author on the thread
in this forum about marriage
counceling, so you know
where I stand on MC and
abusive relationships.
I'm ssssssoooooooooo sorry
for your pain and for what
you've been through.
Please take good care
of yourself.
Sending you hugs and
wishes for healing in
your life and a future
of all things that
bring you comfort
and satisfaction.
After I unlocked my jaw and trusted myself not to growl or snarl the words, I simply said "I can see where from your perspective, it may look like that. But you're wrong." And said nothing else the rest of session. Well, all two minutes of it.
It wasn't an old girlfriend, it wasn't an estranged father, it wasn't a domineering mother - I don't have any of those things. (Although I admit, my mother does NOT know how to listen well. But no eggshells, ever.) The person who chose to weild control over me like a lash was my wife - and she sees no reason to change that behavior. She'll call me out for complaining about it, though.
She offered a compromise on the vacation, though. She invited me to go with! I laughed, and said "Are you kidding me? One, I don't have three weeks of vacation time to take. Two, I can't afford to stop working for three weeks. Three, the notion of a cross country road trip with YOUR parents (who are funding and encouraging this divorce) to visit YOUR teenage cousins - to be frank, the very idea makes my skin crawl. So, thank you for the invite, but no."
MC certainly does not work for everybody but I give you credit for trying. i went to MC twice. Both times my wife walked out of the 2nd appt after she was told that we need to change some of her behavior. So some dont like it I guess.
As far as control goes, I'm not sure why one has to contol the other. Or have control. While we all know that a marraige is often a subconcious struggle for control, i've never heard it verbalized. Marraige should be based on mutual respect and love and to hell with control.
Your wife is an abuser----a regular MC is only trained for normal marriages, not for a marriage where one is an abuser. Just like your wife, the abuser has the MC eating out of their hand.
It is really important to have a counselor who is trained for abusers.
Please make sure, if you ever go to a counselor they are trained in abuse.
Again, I am so very sorry, Bax
(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
I read your post, Bax, and I thank my lucky stars. The monster and I were "talking" about going to counseling together. My idea, of course. But we never made it that far...his behavior escalated too quickly and I ran for the hills.
I cannot bear to imagine how damaging couples' counseling could have been to my psyche. Really the thought scares. Dealing with him led me to the brink. I certainly didn't need a "professional" to further assist him.
Again, I'm so sorry for what you endured last night. You are though even wiser. Peace, my friend.
I'm pretty much at a solid year of weekly MC now, and this is where we're at.
You! You have changed. You recognize abuse from your wife, from the MC, from "friends." You never needed MC to know what you still know: She's not going to change. She's enmeshed with interfering parents, and neither she nor they are will ever sever their parasitic relationship, let alone admit any type of responsibility for the mess they've created.
You've owned up to your demons. You have set boundaries. Your efforts are invalidated at every turn. You are a strong spirit, I hope that this next year affords you the strength to do what you need to take the next step to peace.
(((HUGS)))
at the time what are the odds it just rub salt in my wounds hugs minnie