You have good instincts and you set a good boundary by saying no to the sex. That shows you have self respect. Problem is there are so many people out there who will give sex away right away that its become expected.

I would suggest finding places other than bars to meet people. I would also suggest that you join groups &/or take classes that are centered around things you enjoy, so you will find people w/whom you have things in common.

If you are coming out of an abusive relationship or an abusive childhood, it may be that you haven't finished healing and abusers can spot that a mile away. They can also spot someone w/low self esteem. So if you aren't already in therapy, I highly recommend seeing someone who specializes in recovery from trauma/abuse.

Good for you for sticking to your boundaries!

First I'd like to say RUN!!!! This guy does not have your best interest at heart. But it sounds like you know that and are wondering why on some level you still want him.

I realized recently in my own life I only had two boyfriends who treated me good. One of them I treated me like a queen. Know what? he was the only guy I ever broke up with. I found him boring.

I'm not trying to make this about me. It only share what I feel I've learned so far so I'll just speak for myself. I thought I was no longer co dependent but I'm no longer sure I'm free of this. A codependent in part sees their worth through other peoples affirmations of them. I have found my worth in "fixing" others and was taught at an early age to suppress my needs and wants so the groundwork was laid well for me to be codependent.

As a result since my childhood rape I have never been without a man for more than a few days. Literally. Decades of this. This is not healthy!

The more you feel you need a man the more it might be wise to refrain from any relationship. In your case you mentioned you weren't looking yet he still has the power to impact you the way he has.

Codependency isn't a character flaw, it's a learned response that can be unlearned. If going on FB and communicating with him ultimately makes you feel yucky and not uplifted then I would suggest quitting cold turkey.:-)

Him asking you about sex? I say that's an immediate deal breaker he will be a heartbreaker. I think your gut is already telling you to run the other way. Having men like that in your life is I not going to give you the life you want.

I think he sounds like a player to be honest, I am sorry to say this but sometimes the 'spark' is there because it is familiar in feeling to the chemistry of the past. I am speaking here from previous experience and am no expert but I think your gut instincts are right and you should pay attention to them. I don't think you would be checking his Twitter and that there would be the length between texts if he were not playing games and had only your best interests at heart.

As I said I'm no expert but my advice would be to take it slow, keep your boundaries there, don't do anything you are not comfortable with. Something of a red flag that I ignored with my ex was there pretty much from the second or third date, he sent a text which annoyed me so much. I later found it he did it to 'test' my reaction, to see if I would 'bite', this is a game player. I am not saying your date is like this but take note of things that seem 'off' early on and don't ignore them x

Agree with MTC and Godis.

"It would be a travesty not to"?

Honestly, in that context... yuck.That kind of schmoozing I have heard before, and it did not end prettily. It stinks of manipulation, self-interest, and implied disregard for what you'd just told him.

Your instincts were absolutely right, I don't think he was a good apple. MTC and Godis have said everything I would have wanted to about the 'why'. Good for you! :) xxx

An additional thought. Get a can of tuna. Leave it out in the sun. Put it in a container in the fridge. Before you read a text or think of calling him, open the container of rancid tuna, take a big whiff (put arm on chair for support in case of passing out) and while you do this simultaneously say his name.

Repeat as necessary.

It will only be more powerful as time goes on provided you keep the same can of tuna. He stinks as Rockin said!!!

Thanks so much for confirming what I needed to hear ladies! x

wow I think it's great you had a good radar experience. I agree with my true colors

I am also attracted to men who treat me badly. I always have been. But what makes now different from my past is that I KNOW that! Which is fantastic and powerful! Awareness is the first step. Using it is the second. And you have already used that awareness to deflect unacceptable behavior from a man. Yay!

Try to take some time to work on yourself. Build up some confidence and learn what your dreams and aspirations really are. (Because if you're anything like me, you don't really know or value yourself very much.) I am doing that right now for the first time in my life. I'm 48 and have been man-free for almost a year. (After divorce, followed by several unsuitable men.) It felt strange at first, but now that I'm not desperate to be in a relationship, I have time to reflect about what I would like in a partner. I'm hoping that this will help me to attract a good one next time. And it certainly gives me perspective enough to walk away from a bad one. There are truly worse things than being alone.

I'm ashamed to be writing this, especially having being In a good place when I wrote the original post. After reading your posts I stopped contacting him. He pursued me harder and gradually let him back in. He would randomly call me to talk about our days and planned dates. He was even giving me money to spend at the casino with him. I gradually let him back in. During our dates he started being affectionate, holding my hand and kissing me in public. He also drove an hour to come and see me. I started to think I'd got it wrong and he was actually interested In me.

I eventually gave in to his advances and had sex with him. I told him again I didn't want to be just a hook up. He replied ' are you heck! I don't take hook ups out for dates' and assured me we were sexually exclusive and that he wasn't seeing anybody else. He stayed in contact and took me on 2 dates since. I started to feel better and that I must have got him wrong.

He's been initiating all contact until 3 days ago where he sent me a blunt text saying he was going to bed and would text me the next day. He hasn't been in touch since yet has been talking to people on Facebook. Hes spoken to me every day since we met and I'm almost certain he's dropped me.

After my ex I spent a year protecting myself and vowed I would never let anybody treat me like this again. I wish with all my heart that I followed my gut instinct. I'm severely depressed and feel like a fool who doesn't even deserve sympathy. Please help.

Honey, you've got nothing to be ashamed of.

My only concern is for you and how you feel. I'm sorry this happened :(

I could see from your original post how hard he was going for you with the sex question, even if it came across subtly in person.

And like we keep saying on here, their charm offensive is DESIGNED to work. It is literally designed to break you down. It's happened to me loads of times. Not just with men, of whom there have not been many at all, but with family, friends, colleagues... these 'take advantage' types are everywhere!

The shame is NOT yours; it's his. He used you. So you just need to get your "How dare he??!!" on repeat until you feel better.

And of course, don't let him back in if he comes back.

Huge hugs... we're always here, especially for moments like this! :) xxx

I'm so sorry he hurt you! It is so not your fault and you do deserve sympathy. It's so hard to resist a persistent man when you're lonely!

Sending you healing thoughts...

You did NOTHING wrong.

Don't beat yourself up.

As others have already
said, the shame is HIS,
NOT yours.

Use this experience
as a life lesson.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.

Please take good
care of yourself!

Thank you so much, you've really brightened up my night which seemed pretty unbearable before. He has contacted again.. I plan on sticking to my guns this time. Can't thank you all enough xx

He is an ass.

Also, you might be thinking he has "rejected" you. If you have any feelings like that, it may be biological. Yep. That's right. Anxiety and stress and surviving physical or emotional trauma can cause hormones and all kinds of other things to "misfire" throughout your body.

If you see a therapist or psychiatrist, maybe tell them about this. Heck, even going to your regular doctor might be a good idea.

Oh yeah, did I mention that the particular guy you are talking about is an ASS!

Charl,

I agree with the others; don't feel bad! I will say that I have run into quite a few of this type which I believe to be sex addicts/predators. They have no problem lying or pretending to be interested in something more at the same time, doing what a typical serious drug addict does and that involves lying, cheating, stealing to get their fix! This is different from the type of guy who picks up women for one night stands from bars and clubs. This is someone who will groom and pursue -- I call it "farming." They have no issue in wasting your time, betraying your trust, and deceiving you by pretending to be interested in something more.

I think it's really sad as sometimes you do just want to go with your feelings, but these people will start making you doubt that. This has made me start to be a lot more cautious. I think that meeting people in less pressured environments, i.e. classes, activities, maybe even work or things like this where you get to know someone, spend time, without there even being any private time at all or expectation for intimacy might be a better way to meet people these days! As in my experience, these predators are everywhere and most likely (but not exclusively) to be people we meet randomly online (they definitely farm the dating sites!), or other easy access areas like bars, etc.

As I have come into contact with this so much, I feel there is an epidemic of sorts perhaps partially created by the internet, instant gratification society, as well as sex being something that is easily encountered these days. I think a lot of guys have turned into porn/sex addicts! I would say in many cases it goes along with an alcohol/drug addiction as well but not always. I'm sorry you had this experience! I have to say that I seem to attract these types like magnets and it is not fun! One of them even managed to infiltrate my friends and convince them he was crazy for me as well. They even thought it was perhaps my problem that I cut him off! As when he is around them, he will bend over backwards for me, acts like a prince, appears to be absolutely smitten. Once he gets what he wants, its a different story all-together! And I always feel a distinct and obvious change! It's just sick!

Last time after he stalked me, put on a big show in front of my friends, insisted to drive me home, lied about where we were going, forced me to get out of the car at his house, and practically raped me, he then lost control and was afraid I might end up pregnant. He was telling me "take some pills! take some pills!" Then had the nerve to call me the next day to question me as if I might be the type of girl to get pregnant on purpose to trap him or something! That was it for me! I told him never to contact me again and to stay out of my life! He is still in contact with my friends however. And it does tick me off as he is very wealthy and uses that to influence and impress. Not exactly thrilled with my friends keeping in touch with him either!

In any case, don't feel bad. These guys are emotional con artists and dating terrorists! We just have to learn how to protect ourselves from them. Usually pressuring for sex is a red flag!

Otherwise, I would recommend to keep going to counselling as I told my counsellor that i knew that I didn't want to be attracted to these types but I always am! I told her I wanted to be in a place where I lost the attraction all together! And after all that counselling and learning how to read the read flags, I really do think I am getting there! I know it's hard when you, like I, am not attracted to that many people. It makes you more open and vulnerable to these types as "yippee! I have that feeling again!"

Right now, I am just putting everything into myself and my life is improving a lot. I still attract these types. I seem to be a target. But I recognise them and put up my boundary much sooner. If a guy does not respect your boundaries while at the same time you are being nice to them and showing interest, chances are their intentions are not good!

Sorry sweetie! But I hope this helps! Sending blessings xoxoxx