Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Im finding it really hard to recall the things that have been said to me over the past 10 years, I dont know if Im just blocking them out or what but i definitely know i have been wronged.
So i thought i would try to come up with some instances to try and refresh my memory to help me remember why Im not happy and want to leave.
My sister recalls long ago but I do not that he said to me, if i knew you were going to get so fat, i would have never married you.
a few things from my phone that i documented, first an argument from 4-12-12, its all my fault that we are going to lose 1.8 million because i forgot to pick up a high 8 tape for his meeting that he needed to record, so i was yelled at, now we are going to lose everything, this is for an invention that he has come up with, he is always dreaming but actually quit his job for this one, i have done everything to help him with this stupid idea and now he says its my fault cuz i forgot a damn tape.
4-9-12 had an argument today for who would go get food for supper because my son was sick, and i didnt have any cash except that was for the bank, he didnt want to stay home with a sick kid, what if he pukes he says? I thought um maybe you'll be a real father and take care and clean up after your son? so i tried to wake up parker to take him with, he didnt want to and was so tired, so i took a hundred dollar bill from my purse(for the bank) and told him your such a f***king dick! He followed up with, I could just f***king put my fist through the wall right now, your such a f***king bitch and then he left and slammed the door. I know it wasnt proper of me to swear at him and i hate doing it but someitmes he just pushes and pushes until i lose it, he can never just take care of his son like i do, always have, he can never take the responsibility of actual care for a child and gets mad whenever my son is sick and its always my fault he is sick, i dont feed him right or he doesnt wear enough clothing out when its cold, take him to the dr, thats all he has to say, when ive taken him to the dr countless times and i know what they are going to say, give it time, its a cold, i know when to take my son to the dr and he never goes without, so irritating!
3-9-12 i was yelled at for moving the grill in our yard so the dog wouldnt get tangled around it on his leash. he says, leave shit where i put it, im not apologizing either, if you would just listen and leave my shit alone! Seriously over moving a grill 4 feet?
4-9-12 On Easter, my son woke up and started looking for his easter basket, my H told him to wait til i came back inside with the dog, which was fine, then when i came back in he said Now you can look for your basket, My son didnt get up right away so my H barked at him, Get Up and Go Find your basket! It hurt my sons feelings so he started to cry and went and sat on the stairs. I went to comfort him, so my H came and yelled at him, Whats wrong with you? All i said was find your basket, your always getting me in trouble, now im the bad guy, quit crying, your not a baby, everything is always my fault, even when your the one who starts it! This is all in a sturn voice, not quite yelling but loud, blaming my son for him being an ass. I felt so bad for my son he didnt know what to do but cry cuz he was hurting so bad, all the while my H is going on and on how everything is always turned on him, thats because he always starts it!
Its always rude remarks, I never do anything right, if i do laundry, i dont put it away quick enough or i leave it in the dryer too long, i dont do dishes often enough, which i will admit, i hate doing dishes but its not the end of the world if i dont do them the same day. I dont make what he wants for supper only what i like, well for a man that is not picky he always has something to say about what we eat. If im cleaning like a mad lady and actually proud of myself for getting so much accomplished he always has to point out what i didnt do, well i see you cleaned upstairs but you didnt do a damn thing down here, all the while he is not working at the moment but does nothing to help out around the house but can complain about what i havent gotten done.
So tired of living this way, I shouldnt have to deal with constant criticism, my son shouldnt have to worry about what he says to his dad with worries that it will set him off, he should be able to cry for gods sake hes only 8 but the H that is weakness. My son has also learned from me what to do to not set him off, dont talk to dad when he first gets up in the morning, wait til he gets his coffee or he will snap at you, dont make too much noise in the house, so frustrating that my son has learned to walk on eggshells just like i have.
And the latest was this weekend, we were out fishing, my sons reel got tangled up and i tried and tried to figure it out on my own but i couldnt. So i asked him, wold you please come over here and help me, he comes over takes it in his hand for literally 5 seconds says, i dont know whats wrong with it, so i replied well thanks for all that help, he got right in my face and said I Told You I Dont Know how to f**king fix those things, so dont ask me again! Which i have started to come back at him but feel bad when i have an out burst when my son is near and he shouldnt have to hear it, I told him Dont you ever F***king swear in my face again!
Why the hell do i stay? Its obvious that i am unhappy my son is unhappy but not all the time because like them all he does have a good side, but its just comes and goes. Someone Knock some sense it to me, I need a PUSH in a big way. I really want to leave but i am worried about my son and change of schools because he has a hard time making friends and is shy but i do have family and friends that support my decision, my son is whats holding me back and i know that this is not good for him but rearranging his whole life is going to have a major impact on him! Help!
I just thought maybe recounting some of this stuff would help me gain clarity, if you all have any words of encouragement to get me and my son out of here please do, i need to get out of here, I need to be pushed, whatever advice you have please let me know
So i thought i would try to come up with some instances to try and refresh my memory to help me remember why Im not happy and want to leave.
My sister recalls long ago but I do not that he said to me, if i knew you were going to get so fat, i would have never married you.
a few things from my phone that i documented, first an argument from 4-12-12, its all my fault that we are going to lose 1.8 million because i forgot to pick up a high 8 tape for his meeting that he needed to record, so i was yelled at, now we are going to lose everything, this is for an invention that he has come up with, he is always dreaming but actually quit his job for this one, i have done everything to help him with this stupid idea and now he says its my fault cuz i forgot a damn tape.
4-9-12 had an argument today for who would go get food for supper because my son was sick, and i didnt have any cash except that was for the bank, he didnt want to stay home with a sick kid, what if he pukes he says? I thought um maybe you'll be a real father and take care and clean up after your son? so i tried to wake up parker to take him with, he didnt want to and was so tired, so i took a hundred dollar bill from my purse(for the bank) and told him your such a f***king dick! He followed up with, I could just f***king put my fist through the wall right now, your such a f***king bitch and then he left and slammed the door. I know it wasnt proper of me to swear at him and i hate doing it but someitmes he just pushes and pushes until i lose it, he can never just take care of his son like i do, always have, he can never take the responsibility of actual care for a child and gets mad whenever my son is sick and its always my fault he is sick, i dont feed him right or he doesnt wear enough clothing out when its cold, take him to the dr, thats all he has to say, when ive taken him to the dr countless times and i know what they are going to say, give it time, its a cold, i know when to take my son to the dr and he never goes without, so irritating!
3-9-12 i was yelled at for moving the grill in our yard so the dog wouldnt get tangled around it on his leash. he says, leave shit where i put it, im not apologizing either, if you would just listen and leave my shit alone! Seriously over moving a grill 4 feet?
4-9-12 On Easter, my son woke up and started looking for his easter basket, my H told him to wait til i came back inside with the dog, which was fine, then when i came back in he said Now you can look for your basket, My son didnt get up right away so my H barked at him, Get Up and Go Find your basket! It hurt my sons feelings so he started to cry and went and sat on the stairs. I went to comfort him, so my H came and yelled at him, Whats wrong with you? All i said was find your basket, your always getting me in trouble, now im the bad guy, quit crying, your not a baby, everything is always my fault, even when your the one who starts it! This is all in a sturn voice, not quite yelling but loud, blaming my son for him being an ass. I felt so bad for my son he didnt know what to do but cry cuz he was hurting so bad, all the while my H is going on and on how everything is always turned on him, thats because he always starts it!
Its always rude remarks, I never do anything right, if i do laundry, i dont put it away quick enough or i leave it in the dryer too long, i dont do dishes often enough, which i will admit, i hate doing dishes but its not the end of the world if i dont do them the same day. I dont make what he wants for supper only what i like, well for a man that is not picky he always has something to say about what we eat. If im cleaning like a mad lady and actually proud of myself for getting so much accomplished he always has to point out what i didnt do, well i see you cleaned upstairs but you didnt do a damn thing down here, all the while he is not working at the moment but does nothing to help out around the house but can complain about what i havent gotten done.
So tired of living this way, I shouldnt have to deal with constant criticism, my son shouldnt have to worry about what he says to his dad with worries that it will set him off, he should be able to cry for gods sake hes only 8 but the H that is weakness. My son has also learned from me what to do to not set him off, dont talk to dad when he first gets up in the morning, wait til he gets his coffee or he will snap at you, dont make too much noise in the house, so frustrating that my son has learned to walk on eggshells just like i have.
And the latest was this weekend, we were out fishing, my sons reel got tangled up and i tried and tried to figure it out on my own but i couldnt. So i asked him, wold you please come over here and help me, he comes over takes it in his hand for literally 5 seconds says, i dont know whats wrong with it, so i replied well thanks for all that help, he got right in my face and said I Told You I Dont Know how to f**king fix those things, so dont ask me again! Which i have started to come back at him but feel bad when i have an out burst when my son is near and he shouldnt have to hear it, I told him Dont you ever F***king swear in my face again!
Why the hell do i stay? Its obvious that i am unhappy my son is unhappy but not all the time because like them all he does have a good side, but its just comes and goes. Someone Knock some sense it to me, I need a PUSH in a big way. I really want to leave but i am worried about my son and change of schools because he has a hard time making friends and is shy but i do have family and friends that support my decision, my son is whats holding me back and i know that this is not good for him but rearranging his whole life is going to have a major impact on him! Help!
I just thought maybe recounting some of this stuff would help me gain clarity, if you all have any words of encouragement to get me and my son out of here please do, i need to get out of here, I need to be pushed, whatever advice you have please let me know
If you can't leave for yourself, think about leaving for your son. Growing up this way hurts his psyche and touches all of his future relationships, including the one he has with you. You have the power to change that.
My kids still have visitation with their father. But when they come home, we talk and talk and talk about what the heck is wrong with Daddy. Why did he do that? Why did he say that? I am no longer trying to smooth things over. I can tell it like it is and I feel that that will give my kids the balance that they need and the VOICE that they need that they couldn't use when I lived with their father.
Hugs and strength to you.
the stress on the kids, when I got out, was totally worth getting away.
now I can parent the way that I want to, and don't have him breathing down my neck all of the time....
everything you wrote here was terrible. a horrible way to live.
changing schools is NOTHING compared to living with an abuser, or watching you mom deal with an abuser...
you may find that your shy son blossoms after you leave..
I've watched changed in my kids. my 11 year old has gotten more responsible, less needy than he used to be...
my 8 year old is more affectionate, closer to me..
actually, they both are way closer to me now.
1. gets mad whenever my son is sick and its always my fault he is sick, i dont feed him right or he doesnt wear enough clothing out when its cold, take him to the dr, thats all he has to say, when ive taken him to the dr countless times and i know what they are going to say, give it time, its a cold, i know when to take my son to the dr and he never goes without, so irritating!
this is VERBATIM what goes on in my house. if my son sneezes, or gets a runny nose, my first thought is dread and panic about the blame and rage that is going to come my way, being told that it was my fault, that i don't care about my son, that all other mothers dress their kids warmly, feed their kids properly, etc. and he is always commanding me to take my son to the doctor when he just has the sniffles. when i say i don't think it's necessary, again it turns into how i don't care about my son, that i am taking risks with his life, blah blah blah.
2. im cleaning like a mad lady and actually proud of myself for getting so much accomplished he always has to point out what i didnt do
some of my worst moments with my abuser have come after i finally build some momentum in life, dig down deep to find the motivation to clean up, organize something, take care of business, and just when i stop for a second and start to feel proud of myself, he tears me down. i am quite sure this is done on purpose. it isn't in our abuser's best interest to have us feeling good and proud of ourselves. they want us to feel worthless. otherwise why would we stay with them?
3. My son has also learned from me what to do to not set him off, dont talk to dad when he first gets up in the morning, wait til he gets his coffee or he will snap at you, dont make too much noise in the house, so frustrating that my son has learned to walk on eggshells just like i have.
just this morning, my son wanted to hug and play with his dad when his dad woke up. he started whining when his dad ignored him, crying dada dada. this irritated abuser. i had to take my son to his room to calm him down, as he is crying for his dada. i hate being an accomplice to this screwing up of my son, making him feel like his need for his father is secondary to his fathers need to go have a smoke and not be bothered when he wakes up.
Which brings me to my summation point... ultimately my responsibility to leave lies with my son. i am the only person in this world who can save him from a life lived under the roof of abuse. and i OWE it to him to honour his little life, his innocent heart, and his developing brain and get him out of here.
But it is not easy at all. You have my compassion for what you are struggling with right now - I am feeling the same struggle.
But the most important thing I am learning is that the excuses I am coming up with not to leave keep changing - I used to say I wanted my son to live with his dad. When that stopped being true, I used to say that I was worried he would destroy our business and i would get sued. When I protected myself against that, I came up with soemthing else, etc. etc. Not even realizing that I was doing it.
I understand now that there is no reason good enough to tolerate abuse. So the barriers are actually within me. I don't know how to overcome them yet, but at least i feel i am now being honest.
Sorry i am hijacking your post, but everything you said sounded so familiar, and I am going through much the same thing as you. just wanted you to know you are not alone.
Children are amazingly resilient.
I was surprised at how well mine transitioned and even after only a year, I see such positive things in them.
They are not afraid anymore. All that abuse to you (and your child) is very stressful for them and life becomes scary.
My kids have visitation as well and even at the ages of 11 and 9 realize that Daddy is "angry" and "crazy" and they love how relaxed it is at Mommys. I take great pride in providing a place where it is okay to be a kid. Total safe zone.
Start making a plan, even if it's just a mental plan of where to go and what to do. There are tons of support agencies out there if finances are a problem. Start imagining your life without all that garbage.
Go to www.thehotline.org
This is the national domestic violence hotline and can direct you to a local support network...
Emotional abuse is hard on the kid(s); Oh how I wish my mother had protected her children and left her abuser.
You can do it!
It took me a long time to get out. About 5 years, to put together a job that would support me and my son (I had always worked in our family business), a car in my name, enough money to put a deposit on a place to live...
but I did it. I left him 5 years ago, and I never looked back. LIfe is wonderful now. There were many many rough days. My 15 yr old son stayed with him for the first 18 months. I missed him more than I can ever express. (son is now 20, lives with me, has no relationship with his father, and is a wonderful wonderful kid.)
But every day since I've been gone, every single one...have been better than living with him. A bad day when you are free is 1000% better than a good day with an abuser.
I also agree with rachel that getting your son away from abuse may help him overcome his shyness. Abuse destroys confidence.
Rearranging his whole life so as to remove him from abuse will indeed have a major impact on him - for the better! Yes ,there may be short term issues and difficulties, but the long term benefits will be huge.
The worst thing you can do for your son is allow him to continue to grow up in an abusive home.
Peace for the children. What could be more important?
Far and away is right you don't want your son to grow up thinking this is normal behavior in a man.
I found out that my ex H was bi -poler but by that time I was divorcing him and walking away. I not saying that it's not hard to leave and stay gone cause it is hard. I had guilt for leaving my marriage and giving up on the a-- hole but I am happier now and stress free.
hugs to u and your son be strong