Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, I am trying really hard to decide if I am being "that" mom; it my personal fears of relationship issues are biasing my opinion; or if there really is a problem here--and how to help him through it if there is. My son is 17, due to all the issues in our home and with his stepfather, he has had some anger and behavior issues and I pulled him out of school last year. He has been dating this girl for one year now, she is 19 and I cannot stand the child.
At first it was just her voice that drove me crazy; it seemed that every word out of her mouth was in a high-pitched whine. But the more I've gotten to know her and the dynamics of their relationship, I think she is controlling and abusive.
She doesn't allow my son to do anything without her, she freaked out on him one day--crying, screaming, and threatening to hurt herself--because he was going to go down to the Island with us and go for a walk. He ended up having me drop him at her house instead. They fight constantly--he is to blame for this also, both of them act very jealous and can't stand the thought of the other so much as looking at another person of the opposite sex. She was kicked out of her house at one point and came to stay with us. (I know, I should have put my foot down and refused to allow her to come here since he is underage, but I felt sorry for her--at the time I thought her family was mistreating her--I quickly found out it wasn't what I thought). She was lazy, she would stay in bed until I cooked dinner (after working all day), then get up to use the bathroom, go back to the room and my son would fix her a plate and take it to her. He is very attentive to her "needs"; fixing her lunch, breakfast, bringing her drinks, etc. I suppose I should think it is nice that he wants to do for her, but instead I am seeing the nightmare of my own relationship and I am appalled that my boy appears to be taking on the role that I have played all these years. She no longer stays with us, but he ended up leaving because I put my foot down and said she had to go, he had to go back to school, etc. He ended up leaving and moving in with her family. Now he is back home because they finally had it out, but she will not let him into her house to get his things and he is still afraid to do anything without her permission. I told him we were going to the movies, then to the park yesterday and he told me he couldn't go because she was working and would be mad that he had come out without her!!
I have tried to talk to him about how unhealthy their relationship is; how neither one of them owns the other and how he should ask himself if he is really better off and happier with her than without. I always get the same answer--I just don't understand. He tells me that she has some anger issues, but she is taking medication to try to help with those--apparently she was diagnosed with ADHD. What makes it worse is that when he came home the other day after their big breakup, he has bruises on his arms and his neck and big gouges in his neck and side. He claims he ran into something walking the other day, but I have my doubts--it isn't the first time I've seen bruises on him, and before I kicked her out I witnessed her kicking him into the wall in his bedroom (that was the final straw for me). He claims that she gets like that sometimes and he just has to talk to her and calm her down and things are fine after that.
It is frustrating to me that I cannot help him (now I know how my family must have felt in the beginning of my relationship). How do you talk to a headstrong (and in love) boy about the damage his relationship is causing?
At first it was just her voice that drove me crazy; it seemed that every word out of her mouth was in a high-pitched whine. But the more I've gotten to know her and the dynamics of their relationship, I think she is controlling and abusive.
She doesn't allow my son to do anything without her, she freaked out on him one day--crying, screaming, and threatening to hurt herself--because he was going to go down to the Island with us and go for a walk. He ended up having me drop him at her house instead. They fight constantly--he is to blame for this also, both of them act very jealous and can't stand the thought of the other so much as looking at another person of the opposite sex. She was kicked out of her house at one point and came to stay with us. (I know, I should have put my foot down and refused to allow her to come here since he is underage, but I felt sorry for her--at the time I thought her family was mistreating her--I quickly found out it wasn't what I thought). She was lazy, she would stay in bed until I cooked dinner (after working all day), then get up to use the bathroom, go back to the room and my son would fix her a plate and take it to her. He is very attentive to her "needs"; fixing her lunch, breakfast, bringing her drinks, etc. I suppose I should think it is nice that he wants to do for her, but instead I am seeing the nightmare of my own relationship and I am appalled that my boy appears to be taking on the role that I have played all these years. She no longer stays with us, but he ended up leaving because I put my foot down and said she had to go, he had to go back to school, etc. He ended up leaving and moving in with her family. Now he is back home because they finally had it out, but she will not let him into her house to get his things and he is still afraid to do anything without her permission. I told him we were going to the movies, then to the park yesterday and he told me he couldn't go because she was working and would be mad that he had come out without her!!
I have tried to talk to him about how unhealthy their relationship is; how neither one of them owns the other and how he should ask himself if he is really better off and happier with her than without. I always get the same answer--I just don't understand. He tells me that she has some anger issues, but she is taking medication to try to help with those--apparently she was diagnosed with ADHD. What makes it worse is that when he came home the other day after their big breakup, he has bruises on his arms and his neck and big gouges in his neck and side. He claims he ran into something walking the other day, but I have my doubts--it isn't the first time I've seen bruises on him, and before I kicked her out I witnessed her kicking him into the wall in his bedroom (that was the final straw for me). He claims that she gets like that sometimes and he just has to talk to her and calm her down and things are fine after that.
It is frustrating to me that I cannot help him (now I know how my family must have felt in the beginning of my relationship). How do you talk to a headstrong (and in love) boy about the damage his relationship is causing?
As long as he's under eighteen,
he's a child and you have the best
opportunity to intervene.
And I'd sure as heck intervene ---
and FAST.
You referred to her as a "child."
At nineteen, she's an adult
and has been perpetrating
both statuatory RAPE and
probably ASSAULT and BATTERY.
Please go to the police
and file a report.
Then, you have some
number of months, till
your son is 18, to get
him into some kind of
therapy. After he's 18,
you can't specify where
he goes or whom he sees.
If you have any doubt about this,
then call this number:
(800) 634-3577
It's your state's coalition
against domestic violence.
They will help you sort out
what to do.
Please don't wait. There's
not a moment to lose!
she doesnt 'allow'your son to do anything without her,she threatens to hurt herself to get her own way-both these things are signs of manipulation and control.
everything you say in your post,describes a mentally unstable woman yes-but also a very manipulative,physically violent and emotionally abusive woman.
what i suggest for now,is possibly,trying to get your son on his own,wawy from her,sit down and have a long chat with him about your fears for him whilst he is in the relationship with this woman.have you ever done illenes index cards idea/?you could have some examples of your relattionship written down ready to show him,try and explain to him the comparisons of abuse you see between what his dad did to you,and what your sons girlfriend is doing to him.
im really sorry you are having to witness this,but it says a lot that your son has ended up in an abusive relationship,being the victim,rather than the abuser.someone on here told me once that children who have been/witnessed abuse,often ither grow up themselves to be abusive in a relationship,or to be abused themselves.
i think your son needs some type of counselling to deal with what he saw in his childhood-and if i were you i would try my hardest to strongly urge your son to leave that woman as soon as possible
x
I can't really see a prosecutor being very enthusiastic about a case like this and pursuing it in that manner might lose you you son.
I think that you should have a talk with your son. No judgements, just open ended questions. Let him know that you are there for him and you validate his experiences. Also, maybe share with him your feelings about your abuse experiences. It might not make him drop the girl, but he will know that he is supported and if you keep the lines of communication open, he will dump her eventually. Trying to force a split with teenagers often has the opposite effect.
You are totally in your rights to disallow "sleepovers" at your house, though. It is your house and your house rules apply to everyone under your roof.
Just food for thought. I am no expert and my kids are not teenagers yet. All that to look forward to. ;-) hugs.