Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My sister who has been married for 21 years just told me that her husband has been disrespectful for years to her and their 2 daughters. There is a pattern. If she or her daughters ask him a question he will talk over them and get angry. The unwritten rule in their house is you don't question daddy.
If they want to talk about how his actions make them feel he tells them to "shut the f*** up" and will walk out of the room.
He has called his daughter's boyfriend a "piece of sh**." When they question him or ask him why he said these things he tells them to "shut the F*** up and will not even talk about it.
He is very different from others on this site because from what I have read, many abusers feel badly afterward and try to charm their way back into their family's life. My sister's husband feels badly afterward, sits and mopes, then tell my sister how he is not the one for her and how she needs someone who wants to talk for hours and is all touchy-feely. He says "I am not that guy." If my sister tries to express her feelings he starts all over again with "shut the f up" and he walks away. He tells her she is too sensitive and does not say he is wrong.
My sister has for years just let each outburst pass and if she does not bring it up a few days go by and her husband thinks things are okay. My sister feels as tho she is unable to express her feelings and that he really doesn't care. He makes it seem like it is HER problem. Financially speaking he is a good provider-that's all he's good at according to my sister. He is unemotional and not loving. He does what is good for him. At the beginning of the marriage my sister wanted to cuddle and he told her he hates to cuddle so they never have.
I need your advice about what I can tell my sister. Please help! Thanks.
If they want to talk about how his actions make them feel he tells them to "shut the f*** up" and will walk out of the room.
He has called his daughter's boyfriend a "piece of sh**." When they question him or ask him why he said these things he tells them to "shut the F*** up and will not even talk about it.
He is very different from others on this site because from what I have read, many abusers feel badly afterward and try to charm their way back into their family's life. My sister's husband feels badly afterward, sits and mopes, then tell my sister how he is not the one for her and how she needs someone who wants to talk for hours and is all touchy-feely. He says "I am not that guy." If my sister tries to express her feelings he starts all over again with "shut the f up" and he walks away. He tells her she is too sensitive and does not say he is wrong.
My sister has for years just let each outburst pass and if she does not bring it up a few days go by and her husband thinks things are okay. My sister feels as tho she is unable to express her feelings and that he really doesn't care. He makes it seem like it is HER problem. Financially speaking he is a good provider-that's all he's good at according to my sister. He is unemotional and not loving. He does what is good for him. At the beginning of the marriage my sister wanted to cuddle and he told her he hates to cuddle so they never have.
I need your advice about what I can tell my sister. Please help! Thanks.
I'm involved in a very similar situation, my "Husband" (we're common-law) is a good-providor, but when it comes to "communication" (there really is none), he absoulutely refuses to take-part, he'll give me "shut the f's up" if I really push it and get angry, I've (most of the time) learned not to push anything. He's rarely affecionate anymore. It's so hard to be in the position, I'm sure she loves him, and believe it or not he loves her and the children, but he's obviously very tormented (I'm not giving him or those like him excuses just reasons), probably came from a home where the Father was the same way. Maybe counseling would help? If he's willing that is, I'm thinking about it for us, but we can't really afford that extra expense. Good-Luck to you, and like I said before she's lucky to have such a great caring Sister like you. Just make sure he's not physically abusing her, you never know.
Bless you All! :)
Want to know what to tell her? Tell her to sit her husband down and ask to go to family counseling. If he won't go, she and the kids can go. Someone has got to get through to her that this is unacceptable but she has been accepting it since the beginning of their relationship according to you. Your sister's biggest problem really is a lack of self esteem. Want to know why she doesn't say anything back to him? She thinks he's right. And when he talks about "you deserve better" she doesn't believe it.
Good for you for loving your sister. She needs to find a way to love herself.
What do I teach my kids, I have to wonder...and what should my sister teach hers? That the louder more overbearing non-caring you are the more people are afraid to stand up to you and the more you get to do what you want to do?
My sister's situation makes me question so much of what I thought was important - doesn't The Secret (that new book that supposedly has the answer to the way we are all supposed to live) teach us that what we put out we get back...doesn't seem to be true in this community where so many who are abused are good decent people who have not been mean to others.
Sorry to go on and on, but what my sister and others like her are going through is SO UNFAIR and I wish I could make it better for you all!
Control or honeymoon. It is often a flip-flop between them, and the closer they feel you are to acting out the more likely they will enact the "honeymoon" reaction. Then it is back to control. Visious cycle.
An abuser has total control over every aspect of our lives. That is why it is so hard to leave them, especially when they have control of our emotions as well. I responded by totally shutting down emotionally and have only recently gotten to the point where I can identify feelings like anger, hurt, disapointment, shame.
Reason I ask is that my dad acted this way. he had narcissistic personality disorder. These people are only capable of "loving" themselves. If they are capable of love at all.
What do you think?
and
WHY DOES HE DO THAT? by Lundy Bancroft
and some of the old discussion posts from back in the summer and fall of 2007. There are a lot of really good resources out there. They used to get bumped up just to keep them newer. But I guess that got stopped.
An abusive relationship takes two players. The abuser and a victim. As with all parents, your parent lied. They didn't mean to. They tried to raise ladies. However, they couldn't and didn't teach you about self esteem. Because they didn't have any themselves.
A person with self esteem can live in this unfair world without being surprised or bent out of shape when this world is unfair. Your parents sheltered you from the truth. The kind person is stepped on by the abusive person.
What children need to be taught is how to instinctively recoil from abusers and manipulators. How can this happen when they are being raised by one??
There's so much more I could say, but people don't read super long posts. Send me a hug if you care t hear any more of my experience, strength, and hope.
(Her escape plan should be to leave when he's in his "you deserve better" mode, by the way.)