Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Ever since visiting family across country last year, I have been irritated by happy people. Not "I'm having a nice day" happy, but the genuine happiness you feel when you are raised by people who love you. The kind of happiness that shines through your eyes and shows in your confidence and personality. It's petty I know. I looked it up and it's definitely a Mood Disorder.
I know what triggered it. My cousin, I'll call her cousin D, said she wanted to adopt me when my sister and I were placed in foster care (30 years ago). But cousin D's mom convinced her not to because at the time she was 22 and just starting her life. I understood her point of view, but I wish she never told me.
I was adopted, but by another set of cousins who were neglectful and emotionally abusive. When I met Cousin D's daughter, an outstanding person, she was always smiling and naturally attentive towards my son. That's when the comparing began. They are so happy and I am obviously not.
My happy cousins spent hours playing with my son, making silly kid jokes, being good parents. It just came to them naturally and effortlessly.
It takes so much work and energy for me to even be present with my kid, not be sad and simply attentive. I'm a good mom, but I really have to work at it. Instead of dwelling on what I did not have (example, having constant flashbacks of my own neglect when my son was having a toddler meltdown), I focus on my son's needs in the moment.
I really wish I could be the goofy, fun, playmate like my happy adjusted cousins. I do have my good mom moments and strengths, but I feel like sometimes my son deserves more...happiness.
So it makes me sad my cousins on D's side can just open up, smile and laugh. Like maybe I would have been that happy person if I was raised by Cousin D. And that my son could have that happiness all the time and become a strong adult like my cousin's daughter. It's been a head game. I wish she did not tell me that she considered adopting me. I think the experience just pointed out how unhappy I am, and how normal other people are.
It sounds mean, but since my conversation with Cousin D about almost adopting me, I see adjusted people and I think "what the hell are they so happy about?"
Also I have also been really uncomfortable around people who exudes a similar personality. I find myself slightly introverted, feeling like I have little to offer. I'm working on it, no one likes a grouch.
Anyone else have this experience? Do happy, adjusted people bother or depress you? How do you manage?
I know what triggered it. My cousin, I'll call her cousin D, said she wanted to adopt me when my sister and I were placed in foster care (30 years ago). But cousin D's mom convinced her not to because at the time she was 22 and just starting her life. I understood her point of view, but I wish she never told me.
I was adopted, but by another set of cousins who were neglectful and emotionally abusive. When I met Cousin D's daughter, an outstanding person, she was always smiling and naturally attentive towards my son. That's when the comparing began. They are so happy and I am obviously not.
My happy cousins spent hours playing with my son, making silly kid jokes, being good parents. It just came to them naturally and effortlessly.
It takes so much work and energy for me to even be present with my kid, not be sad and simply attentive. I'm a good mom, but I really have to work at it. Instead of dwelling on what I did not have (example, having constant flashbacks of my own neglect when my son was having a toddler meltdown), I focus on my son's needs in the moment.
I really wish I could be the goofy, fun, playmate like my happy adjusted cousins. I do have my good mom moments and strengths, but I feel like sometimes my son deserves more...happiness.
So it makes me sad my cousins on D's side can just open up, smile and laugh. Like maybe I would have been that happy person if I was raised by Cousin D. And that my son could have that happiness all the time and become a strong adult like my cousin's daughter. It's been a head game. I wish she did not tell me that she considered adopting me. I think the experience just pointed out how unhappy I am, and how normal other people are.
It sounds mean, but since my conversation with Cousin D about almost adopting me, I see adjusted people and I think "what the hell are they so happy about?"
Also I have also been really uncomfortable around people who exudes a similar personality. I find myself slightly introverted, feeling like I have little to offer. I'm working on it, no one likes a grouch.
Anyone else have this experience? Do happy, adjusted people bother or depress you? How do you manage?
I don't begrudge other people their happiness (and I bet you really don't either), but sometimes I think to myself "that's a person who clearly doesn't know hardship" or some thought like that. But the fact is I really don't know what secrets lie within the hearts of others. Everyone goes through things that are hard for them, and pain feels the same to all of us no matter where it comes from. There may be moments when people observe me and think about how much I have got my crap together, and they don't know the hard work I've put in or the times I still struggle greatly. I'm sure the same is true of you, although you may not know it.
I think when we see other people who appear to have what we want they simply become a mirror for what WE are lacking, not really an accurate picture of who that person is or what their story is. I think it says more about us, and our sadness and the convenient cover up for sadness, anger-that we deserve good things too and we currently don't have what we need.
What happened to you is unfair. What happened to me is unfair. But if I spend too much time in that truth it offers me nothing and takes a lot.
I say acknowledge that feeling of unfairness, accept it, accept that there is nothing wrong with feeling this way and it's normal, and then immediately after replace it with a thought about something you are grateful for, and switch the focus.