I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit this... I slipped up and saw my ex again. It has to be the single most damaging thing I have done to myself (ironically) since leaving him. Even visiting my parents over Christmas was less toxic (and that is saying something). At least with my family, the abuse I witnessed only made me feel like I had no family, that I was truly on my own. My ex made me feel as if I didn't exist, and then made me wish I didn't.

I underestimated the power of hoovering. He made me feel safe, like it would all be okay. I don't know why I went over to his house. I really don't. We ended up spending the night together and it was incredible. He made dinner, lit candles, listened to me and made me feel loved. He whispered that he loved me, and tole me that the happiest memories he has ever had were when he was with me. I felt flattered, but leary. I didn't believe him anymore. I know this pissed him off, but I didn't care. I guess deep dowwn inside I wanted to believe it was all true. We made love for hours and feel asleep in each others arms.

The next morning, I woke up late and gathered my stuff in a hurry because I had to run an errand and get home to let my dog out. On my way home, I realized I forgot a bottle of medicine at his house. I really needed it, so I went back to go get it. I tried calling and texting him to let him know I was coming back over and he didn't answer. When I got there, I explained that I had lost my medication and needed to look for it. He stood by watching me, his arms crossed and a pissed off look on his face. He didn't offer to help, he just stood there staring at me. I felt so scrutinized and so much hate that I could barely concentrate on my search. I finally gave up, and said 'what?' He just looked at me and made a big show of storming off into his den.

I followed him and asked why he seemed so upset. And then he starteed screaming at me that I had invaded his privacy, 'dropped in' on him without notice and that I know how much he hates that, that everyone knows how much he hate surprise 'guests'. I have been dating this man for FIVE years!!! Just the night before, he left me in his house by myself while he went out and did some shopping. It is not like I am some casual guest, just swinging by for a chat. I was according to him 'the person whom he loves and that makes him happier than anything else!' I was insulted and told him so. He just looked at me blankly, like I had grown three heads. As if he were SHOCKED I had the audacity to be offended, when so clearly it had been him who was wronged. I tried to calmly explain that I did not mean to violate his privacy, but that I needed that medication and that I attempted to call/text him first. He just crossed his arms and began sulking, staring at the wall pointedly to make sure I knew that I didn't exist to him.

I just lost it! I took what little dignity I had left and said to him in a calm voice that I had really enjoyed last night, and that because of thee things he said I felt close to him. I told him it was insulting to now be treated as if I were just a random guest, not someone he was in bed with less than two hours before. He said that he could understand why I was hurt and that he was 'sorry' for hurting my feelings (the insincerity rang through loud and clear), but that my 'behavior' (said as if I were a little kid) was not okay. That he wanted to continue seeing me, but that I had to leave now. Then he turned back to the wall and just kept staring at it until I left.

I was so hurt! He made me feel like I didn't exist, as if I were nothing! It was if the previous night had never happened. I felt so devalued and disrespected, as if I weren't a real person.

I feel so unloveable, not worthy of even being alive. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time. I am supposed to work today and all this week. I can't even stop crying. I need time to heal.

God, I hate him. I really, really do.