Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I was in a relationship for 4 years with an emotionally abusive man. He eventually broke up with me. At first, I cried my head off. Then I just felt sad and off-kilter. Then I realized how much better I felt without him. I wasn't always waiting for him to critizie me ('You pet the cat too much"), or break up with me again. I was, finally, not walking on eggshells.
I then started to feel angry, because of how he treated me. But some time passed, and, eventually, I begin to naturally feel less angry.
Then, out of the blue, I got an email from my ex. It just said that he still had some of my furniture, and wanted it out of his house.
Now, I do not care about the furniture. But there are some things I'd like to say to him, because I never got the chance to say then when we were in our relationship. I didn't stand up for myself very much, then, and so I never told him how abusive he was, how badly he treated me.
When I first got the email, I dismissed it, and forgot about it. But, that was, I don't know, a month or two ago, and, suddenly, I realize that there are these things I want to say to him.
Now, I don't have an urge to send him some big rant, or yell at him. I no longer feel that kind of anger. I have very little anger left in me about him. But, what I do feel is that I would like to stand up for myself, the way I didn't when we were together.
If he were standing in front of me, I wouldn't yell. I would just calmly say something like, "You treated me very badly for a long time, and it was not okay You are emotionally abusive, controlling, and need help."
So, do you think it's a bad idea or a good idea to email him?? Is it finally getting to stand up for myself, in a quiet and dignified way, or is it just opening up old wounds??
I then started to feel angry, because of how he treated me. But some time passed, and, eventually, I begin to naturally feel less angry.
Then, out of the blue, I got an email from my ex. It just said that he still had some of my furniture, and wanted it out of his house.
Now, I do not care about the furniture. But there are some things I'd like to say to him, because I never got the chance to say then when we were in our relationship. I didn't stand up for myself very much, then, and so I never told him how abusive he was, how badly he treated me.
When I first got the email, I dismissed it, and forgot about it. But, that was, I don't know, a month or two ago, and, suddenly, I realize that there are these things I want to say to him.
Now, I don't have an urge to send him some big rant, or yell at him. I no longer feel that kind of anger. I have very little anger left in me about him. But, what I do feel is that I would like to stand up for myself, the way I didn't when we were together.
If he were standing in front of me, I wouldn't yell. I would just calmly say something like, "You treated me very badly for a long time, and it was not okay You are emotionally abusive, controlling, and need help."
So, do you think it's a bad idea or a good idea to email him?? Is it finally getting to stand up for myself, in a quiet and dignified way, or is it just opening up old wounds??
When did he leave? ask yourself, why is he contacting you now? Its not about the furniture, if he wanted the furniture out he would just get rid of it. And you don't care about it anyway.
By ignoring him, you're not feeding his ego in any way, which is the worst option for them, and the best for you. If you truly don't need to furniture, ignore the email...let him figure out how to get rid of it if he wants.
Good for you for standing up for yourself, and rebuilding your confidence~!
Best to write the email, it might make you feel better to write it, but don't send it. Just put it out there to the universe, to do with the energy what it will.
Hugs...
Love your screen name. Love your avatar.
Now, to your questions:
So, do you think it's a bad idea or a good idea to email him??
YES. NOT, not, not -----NOT a good idea. (Why, the answer
is in the posts, above.
Is it finally getting to stand up for myself, in a quiet and dignified way, or is it just opening up old wounds??
Yes and no. A good, sweet friend of mine's house caught fire
one night. He got his family out but the cat was still inside. He
went back in to find it ----- and died.
Was it a basically good idea to see if he coud rescue the poor, missing cat? Yes. Was it good self-care. Obviously not.
Would it feel good to tell the abuser from whom you escaped,
that you figured out he's an abuser? Probably. Mabye for the
moment the words are coming out of your mouth..
But Hon ---- the risks are WAY to great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As noted in the previous posts, NOTHING GOOD can
come of it.
You will do yourself the most good by maintaining
NO CONTACT.
All the best to you.
Take good care!
I would say, if you've gone this long, and you've worked through the grieving process, and understand what you were in was abusive relationship... I'd strongly advice against it, and here's why:
Confronting him at this stage of the game will only put him on the defensive, and my abuser gets crazy when he's on the defensive. It's hardly ever worth it. He will never admit that he has been abusive and the conversation (or screaming match) will always be turned around on me somehow. I would subject myself to mental gymnastics, word twisting, denial, gaslighting, blame, and personal attacks.
His standard responses go something like this:
"It was all your fault, I didn't do a thing to ruin things, you did!"
"You are the one that's abusive to me!"
"You're crazy and I'm so glad to be rid of a piece of garbage like you"
"Everything was always about you, no wonder this didn't work!"
Basically, if you're prepared to be attacked and you really, really need to say your peace once and for all - go for it. Otherwise, be prepared to listen to the insanity and end up being more pissed than you were to begin with.
Yes, it is very odd that he would suddenly decide to write me about the furniture, because it has been quite a long time (a few years), since we broke up. If he was really interested in giving the furniture back, he would have done so ages ago. He has some other motive, possibly something as selfish and simple as the fact that he doesn't want to have to deal with getting rid of the furniture himself, possibly something more devious.
I like the idea of writing the email, but not sending it. After all, people who pointed out that anything I say to him will just go over his head anyway, are right. You can't tell him anything, and everything is always someone else's fault, with him. So there would be no point in sending it.
The only point in sending it would be to stand up for myself, to let him know that I know how abusive he is. But, the thing is, why do I feel this need to tell him that I'm standing up for myself?? Why do I have a need to tell him that I know how abusive he is?? Really, in the end, it is enough that I know these things.
I guess one of the reasons I wanted to write him and ask him to leave me alone, is that he lives very close to me, and I have run into him, almost, a few times, in the past. It's always been from a block or so away, so I could just ignore him, which I did. But I guess I had this idea that if/when I run into him again, and I've already written him to tell him to leave me alone, then he will not try to approch me.
But, really, I don't need to write him to tell him to leave me alone. I'm sure he can understand by my silence that I am not interested in speaking to him. In the past, I also ignored some comments he made on my facebook wall, and then I blocked him and his family from my facebook account. And, as I said, I ignored him when I saw him in my neighbourhood. So you'd think he'd be able to realize I don't want to talk to him! But, then again, he is an abuser, he often can't see obvious things like that.
Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that it's my choice to not speak with him when I run into him, and I don't have to write him back and inform him of that choice. I can just do it.
Sorry for the long post! I was just sorting out my mind.
And thank you again for all your help. I feel good about my decesion, and you all helped so much. Thank you!
Shoot, the 4th time (when I was definitely calling it quits) we were at the divorce table the last time, and he got me. It was all an effort to get me face to face with him, and he wormed his way back into his life. (heavy sigh) Can you imagine?
Calmzone - yes, you are right, I will just IGNORE him. It was really good for me to hear you, and others, say to just ignore him! I don't know how to explain it, but even when I KNOW he's an abusive person, and I don't want to speak with him, I feel like I have to say hello. I think this is because I feel like I have to be "nice and polite" at all times. Um, no! Why would I want to be nice and polite to somebody I don't like??
Calmzone/Clumber - Yikes! All that worming! Sigh. It's great that you are both very smart, and recognize this worming for what it is!
And, it's good to hear that there is always a motive. I'm sure in this case there is....he even mentioned that I may not want the furniture back, because he apparently now owns cats, and there is hair and stuff all over the furniture. Now, he KNOWS I have severe allergies to cats and could never have such furniture in my place!
You lucky duck, you get to kick this guy to the curb. You also have the satisfaction of knowing, that you not contacting him in any way will drive him up the wall. : )
Hahaha! You are SO right - not contacting him probably will drive him totally up the wall, because he is one of those people who can't stand loose ends, and unresolved things. He always has to have all his decesions made, and everything in perfect order. Haha!
Sounds like yours is a very sneaky guy! Getting you all mad on purpose. I guess it goes beyond sneaky - it sounds manipulative. It's good that you are no longer with him, I'm sure!