Oh gosh. People tell me to stop apologizing all the time! I too wonder if it's my low self esteem, my co-dependant behavior.

I don't know why I do it.

Read about co-dependency. Your post described me to a tee when I first arrived at DS. Its definitely, in my opinion, co-dependent behaviour.

Beansprout, did you mean me or Learning2?

It's very easy to discount ourselves when we are of the belief that we are unlovable and unworthy of other's love.

Thing is, regardless of what we think about ourselves...we all the time worry about the reactions and actions of others when ultimately their actions and reactions don't really mean a thing in the long run.

We hand our abusers their power to use over us. We all have needs and the problem is usually in the way we try to get those needs met. It's all too easy to be drawn to the "light" of a Narcissist. Only thing is, you don't know what you're getting with people anymore...thus, you've got to learn how to validate yourself, if you really want true validation.

People are too "iffy"...because we live in a culture of fear.

Tigertales, You put it so well. A person had to be able to validate themself, love themself in a healthy way, and accept who they are before anyone else will.
I feel perhaps taking time on yourself and figuring out You is important before going into another relationship.
It is easier said than done, but I can say from my experience I tend to attract men that "Rush in" like a knight in shining armour. At first it is a great feeling to be adored, protected and cared for, with some even controlled to a degree as they make the agenda in the relationship, so they actually seem to bring you some peace to your chaotic life, when in reality, it is usually a smokescreen. It is a front to get you to depend on and trust them exclusively and it gets turned against you when the "honeymoon' period of the relationship is over.
I would add, I agree that you don't know what or who your getting, it takes time to see a person's real face.
Also that I feel not only people are iffy but our media presents so much "temporary " in life that people are learning, if it does not suit them, whatever IT is, you can just replace it.
So I would say we live in a materialistic, opportunistic society at times and it is up to us to practice loving ourselves enough not to let those things win out.

It's a sad commentary on our society that we must rely upon ourselves so heavily for even the basics of life.

Do we not live in a culture of fear? There are many reasons for this and, as you say, the materialistic culture has so much to do with this.

Much of your emotional struggle comes from simply fighting reality, or the perception of reality, of your world. This is a tall order to fill for anyone.

Armand Demele states that "Depression unmasks unreality".

While we cannot change our world, necessarily, we can change our "world-within" if we want to. I think pure authenticity is a good starting point...and calling a spade a spade (at least internally) can be a good thing. If we hurt, say so...if we're lonely...say so...if we're angry...say so...acknowledge and meet that problem head-on.

I realize there's a danger in swinging the other way with this practice, but self assessment for both good and bad are a great place for personal inventory.

If you (or I) are constantly taking self inventory, you may be suffering from guilt; if you (or I) are constantly making comparisons of ourselves to others, we may be suffering from shame.

I completely agree with the self-validation thing. But I think self-validation is important no matter what kind of people are around. Because the problem is, when we have low self esteem and no self-validation, we tend to end up discounting the opinions of those who are truly honest and truly care. How often has someone genuinely complimented or thanked or appreciated us, and we instantly dismiss it. But then someone comes along and criticises, and we are ALL over that like a rash, trying to work out how to make ourselves better, how to make that person like us more, and so on.

The over-apologising is also something I used to do. It's a combination, I think, of low self-esteem, which means that whatever we say or do, we assume the "other" doesn't want to hear it, is annoyed at us, thinks we're boring or pushy or self-absorbed or a million other negative things so that, as soon as we are even seen or heard, we feel the need to apologise for our very existence. And then that gets reinforced in abusive relationships where we are pretty much forced to apologise not just for our very existence, but for everything they do wrong to us as well.

I found that the over apologising stopped after a few things. Firstly, getting out of the abusive relationship and away from the abuser. Secondly, therapy to help me analyse the relationship and the reasons I accepted abuse in the first place, as well as to rebuild my self esteem. And then stopping myself every time I wanted to say "sorry" and asking myself what I was sorry FOR. If I was sorry just for being me, or sorry for no real reason at all, then I didn't say it. That was hard, for a while, because it was SUCH an ingrained habit, and at first I felt like people would think I was a bitch for not apologising. But it gets easier with time.

I will still always apologise if I believe I have done something wrong, or if I believe I have hurt someone, even totally inadvertently. But I no longer apologise just for (respectfully) expressing an opinion, or for just being me.

I completely agree with the self-validation thing. But I think self-validation is important no matter what kind of people are around. Because the problem is, when we have low self esteem and no self-validation, we tend to end up discounting the opinions of those who are truly honest and truly care. How often has someone genuinely complimented or thanked or appreciated us, and we instantly dismiss it. But then someone comes along and criticises, and we are ALL over that like a rash, trying to work out how to make ourselves better, how to make that person like us more, and so on.

The over-apologising is also something I used to do. It's a combination, I think, of low self-esteem, which means that whatever we say or do, we assume the "other" doesn't want to hear it, is annoyed at us, thinks we're boring or pushy or self-absorbed or a million other negative things so that, as soon as we are even seen or heard, we feel the need to apologise for our very existence. And then that gets reinforced in abusive relationships where we are pretty much forced to apologise not just for our very existence, but for everything they do wrong to us as well.

I found that the over apologising stopped after a few things. Firstly, getting out of the abusive relationship and away from the abuser. Secondly, therapy to help me analyse the relationship and the reasons I accepted abuse in the first place, as well as to rebuild my self esteem. And then stopping myself every time I wanted to say "sorry" and asking myself what I was sorry FOR. If I was sorry just for being me, or sorry for no real reason at all, then I didn't say it. That was hard, for a while, because it was SUCH an ingrained habit, and at first I felt like people would think I was a bitch for not apologising. But it gets easier with time.

I will still always apologise if I believe I have done something wrong, or if I believe I have hurt someone, even totally inadvertently. But I no longer apologise just for (respectfully) expressing an opinion, or for just being me.

I don't think I do it very often anymore although it was a very pronounced trait when I was younger. I have been seriously mustering up on the self-assertiveness whenever possible and stepping outside of my comfort zone for the longest running stretch ever this past year. For instance, I've started calling out people for being abusive to me. That's absolutely unfamiliar territory but I'm getting a little more used to each time.

I've also been working a lot on setting and maintaining boundaries along with believing in my own self-efficacy. I can be successful. I may not always be successful but then what I consider success and what other people consider success are frequently not the same. I have developed far more autonomy and an inner directed sense of both what my goals are and how well I am motivated towards them.

For instance, school is extremely important to me. On the other hand, I've had some serious health scares and recently lost siblings younger than me to ill health along with almost losing some about my age which I attribute largely to being under prolonged and severe life stressors. So really, finishing a class is a huge success if I wasn't sure I could get that far to begin with.

There just seems to be less reason to care about apologies these days although I do still try to be tactful or considerate whenever I think about it.